ladies and gentlemen the guy sitting in for paul shaffer
rob mounty thank you
sure how you doing
rob mouncey nice to have you here rob thank you very much for helping us out
and i guess we we have paul here on the line from vancouver don't we
oh yeah make rob feel bad thank you very much uh vancouver okay this is paul here hello
hi paul how are you i'm fine room service just arrived what are you having there i've got a
lovely uh canadian roast beef sandwich here let me just sign it here and put a huge gratuity on here
for the uh paul garland and came up here to deliver my sound that's very nice of him how's
the weather there in vancouver that's a little overcast today all right now tell the people
what you're going to be doing in a few short hours i'm going to i'm very very honored dave
to be attending a uh dinner this evening in honor of uh the prince and princess of wales
uh prince charles for your information and i know who it is paul ah yeah ah very excited to be here
i just uh just got off the plane a little while ago got a lot of calls already from the press
it seems people think we're coming here to do the show was there anything about us
we're not coming to vancouver to do the show although we'd love to come to vancouver now
listen paul how soon are you going down there to meet these people uh within a couple of
hours okay look have you got a second can you stay with us through a viewer mail because
i think it's going to be rocky how is will doing over there will's doing just
fine we got a horse on tonight paul yeah i heard are you going to ride the horse
okay paul here we go i'll tell you what why don't you count off the letters for us okay
like we sometimes do all the way from vancouver a transcontinental viewer mail get ready paul
go ahead anytime letter number one thank you very much paul all the way from vancouver a beautiful
city by the way isn't it paul huh gorgeous up here did you go to the park like i mentioned
i've got a view of stanley park right from my window letter number one dear mr letterman on
may 9th 1986 this by the way is actual letters these are actual letters from actual viewers
and we answer them once a week here on thursday go ahead do it again paul yeah letter number one
dear mr letterman on may 9 1986 boy scout troop 6 will be honoring our scout gregory w jannicki
he will be receiving scouting's highest award that of eagle scout
this scout's goal in life is to enter the field of journalism and the television media
he is a tremendous fan of yours well that's very thoughtful and i know uh he would enjoy receiving
a letter of congratulations from you for his outstanding work in scouting yours in scouting
robert burns chicago illinois uh well paul oh by the way paul don't play along on this one
oh okay uh paul what do you what do you think of this uh scott wants to go into
broadcasting tonight the part of paul shaffer will be played by stagehand jimmy fitzgerald
dave that's the nuttiest thing i've ever heard there's no place for out of it nowhere scouts
in a marvelous industry like showbiz well paul i have to disagree with you i think scouting does
have a place in show business for instance the night that the microphones here in the studio went
dead and the audience couldn't hear a word i said you know i remember that as if it were yesterday
okay okay so so paul did you learn a little something from this absolutely dave i don't
know hold on paul we got a guy standing in for you jimmy's not in marvel we're not done yet
hang on we'll get back to you okay i'm sorry paul so did you learn a little something from this i
sure did dave i learned that scouting is a gas yeah good for you okay jimmy okay paul anytime
okay paul go right ahead okay here we go letter number two
okay by the way we're doing better than expected great yeah what are you wearing right now paul
i just got on uh you know i'm i'm just slipping into my tux right now as a matter of fact
are you really i didn't bring the right socks though you're gonna you're gonna get it wrinkled
if you get it on this earlier i know well i want to check it out and make sure everything's okay
i don't have the silk socks i got to go buy the socks as soon as i hang up
because you gotta have the right accessories here's a man living on the edge
he's in vancouver he's gotta go shopping for socks gotta have the right socks you gotta have black
silk socks with it with a tux okay all right do it again paul letter number two dear dave i have
been watching your show now for a number of years i have seen it on both black and white tvs as well
as uh color televisions but each has a different look to it i was wondering if you taped two
different shows one to be shown on black and white the other on color tv sincerely yours wade wilcox
uw is it university of wisconsin platteville well we're not sure it's an interesting question though
wade and uh no we we don't take two different versions of the show for black and for white and
for color tvs but uh we do tape a special version of the show for those of you who have those little
tiny miniature televisions like the sony watchman hal show them what that special version looks
like here it is on the screen and you'll see right after this show we tape it there it is right there
let's let's let's leave it that way for a while see if we can really irritate people tonight
now there's nothing wrong with your sets we're just screwing around with you all right
okay paul here we go buddy next letter yeah letter number three okay
dear dave do you really hate abc and cbs i would be willing to bet that you watch some shows on
those networks just as we all do i bet you even like some of them do you honestly think that they
are as bad as they say they are respectfully yours laura j fenn smith college northampton
massachusetts uh well laura your idealistic letter brought me up short i must say and i have been
critical of other networks but i got to thinking about it and you know i think if we could meet
face to face and discuss our difficulties openly maybe we'd find that we have a lot in common so we
have some representatives here tonight from other networks please make them feel welcome from abc
mr charles dixon and from cbs mr vernon wallace nice to see you how are you doing good how are you
so uh gentlemen we're very honored to have you here
let me know if there's anything that i can help you with to make your stay a little more pleasant
well you could fix me up with some of the broads around here yeah
where can a guy get a drink in this dump well i'll tell you uh we'll we'll get to
that later mr wallace tell me what are some of the projects you're working on over at cbs
well we're trying to get clearance to put cigarette ads on saturday morning cartoons oh yeah
great idea good we've got one we've got one that makes the evening news a lot easier
what is that we just make it up yeah uh but you know we're different networks different approaches
but basically wouldn't you agree we all share a commitment to quality programming oh yeah sure
oh come on those idiots out there they'll watch anything you put on
oh hi tommy dave maybe i'm out of line but i can't sit still and listen to this it's bad
enough to sell cigarettes to kids but they just insulted the best damn audience in the world
if you'll excuse me i'll be back after they take out that garbage thank you thank you
thank you very much hey what's the old tamer so been out of shape for it
we're just expressing our opinions that's right gentlemen you're just
expressing your opinion and now i'm going to express mine get the hell out of my studio
oh boy i wish i could go looking for socks with you paul
boy dave you really showed those network guys
you know how silly it feels this is what arnie barnes feels like
he's got to sit here with a phone listening to the show he can't even see it
all right we're almost finished here paul let's go back to the regular format hal
so people don't uh start whatever they do when they there it is oh no let's go back
uh okay paul we're down to the uh i think it's the last letter here buddy great and then we'll
let you get on to your gala evening now don't embarrass yourself and mention my name okay take
it away here we go letter number four thank you paul dear mr letterman my name is eva sullivan
i live in northern idaho i'm writing you this letter in hopes that you might be willing to give
my 14 year old son a little excitement for his birthday his birthday is on monday may 5th and he
will be 15 years old my family and i would really appreciate it if you could just squeeze in a happy
birthday to him on that night sincerely yours ava j sullivan northern idaho of course that's the
part of the state where they have no cities ava uh you know i would just love to wish your son a
happy birthday but i'm afraid that would violate my contract with the fine video cassette company
that pays me to make these dave letterman happy birthday party tapes here let me show you
what they look like put them up there where you can get a good look at them see they come
all different names
you can get them both the vhs and in the beta format i tell you what hal can you play
just a couple of these and we'll show ava what these look like
happy birthday frank happy birthday francine happy birthday frederick
happy birthday gabe okay okay all right
that's it that's our viewer mail listen uh paul nice job have a good trip and we'll look forward
to seeing you monday and uh see if you can't work my name into the conversation somehow i
will i'll give you a real regard okay take care of yourself thanks a lot bye bye paul
hi okay there goes paul all right we're uh oh we got a great show oh the horse yeah the
horse will be out here in just a minute we have to pause for a commercial we'll be right back