so maybe you've tried to get sober and you've had some success but the relapses
just keep coming and every single time you have to dig out of that hole it's
harder and harder or maybe this has happened to your loved one which is why
in this video I'm going to tell you the one simple thing that's going to make
relapses a thing of the past if you're new here welcome to put the shovel down
I'm amber Hollingsworth and this is a youtube channel dedicated to helping you
understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you're always five
steps ahead of it and you can get your life back on track if that sounds like
something that you might need to do consider subscribing and I'll make sure
you have all the information tools and resources to make that happen ok let's
get back to our topic I know before we start you're already
telling me you're like amber recovery is a very complicated process
in fact I've even heard you say that on some of your videos so how are you gonna
tell me that recovery can happen in just one step
well hang in there because I'm about to explain just that you see often times
when you're having trouble maintaining your recovery and you've put a lot of
effort into it but you just keep falling back the issue is that you're having a
what I would call this is a counselor term so watch out here it's called
having a limiting belief and the reason these things are so difficult and
insidious is because a lot of times that are happening on sort of like a
subconscious level or it's like they're there but it's you know it's like you
know something but you're not paying attention to something somewhere in that
subconscious or semi-conscious state a lot of these thought processes are still
hanging on and really what they are is they're just flat-out lies sometimes
I'll tell my clients you know like addiction will lie to you it'll tell you
anything it can think of to get you either to keep using or go back to using
or to even take a step that would get you closer to using next month
some of these thoughts that you're hanging on to and we're about to go over
a list of them are very likely the thing that
keeping you or your loved one stuck in this relapsing pattern you see if you're
having any of these limiting beliefs that we're about to go through and name
and trust me I'm not going to give you all the limiting beliefs you can
possibly have I'm just going to tell you like the really common ones that I hear
in my office all the time feel free to add to the list okay so now let's get on
to the list because I think once you start hearing some of these you're gonna
understand exactly what I'm talking about
here's some examples of limiting beliefs that you or your loved one might be
having number one I'll never be happy without it if you have it in the back of
your mind that life is just going to kind of like be crummy or at best boring
without drugs or alcohol then yes you can have time periods where you're on
track or on the wagon but essentially what you're doing is you're having these
time periods where you're being good because in the back of your mind you
feel like you're not really gonna have real fun without it and this is going to
keep you stuck because if you're just in recovery and it's just because you're
being good kind of like on a diet then the likelihood that you're going to get
wore out that you're gonna tire of that and that you're eventually gonna fall
back are really high so if you're having that thought you need to confront it
because a lot of times this thought is hanging around there and there's
absolutely no supporting evidence to it but it's just in the back of our head
because a lot of times especially with this thought this has been ingrained in
us culturally from friends from Family heck we've probably told a lot of people
this same thing ourselves and so it'll hang around for a long time until you
confront it you got to stare that thing right in the face and decide for
yourself is that really true what's the truth behind that can life be fun sober
is using the drugs the alcohol substance whatever it is is it really fun don't
just hang onto this belief just because you've always believed it is time to
call that out and see if it's really the truth let's move on to limiting belief
number two I don't have what it takes so with this limiting belief it's kind
of like a lie that your addiction will tell you
that you're not good enough you're not strong enough you don't have enough
willpower you're not smart enough you don't want it for yourself
this one can kind of come in all these various forms but it's some kind of form
of you don't have the internal makeup of someone that can actually get long-term
recovery well I can tell you over the years of seeing people get recovery for
years and years and years now it's really hard to guess who's gonna get it
in who's not in fact some of the ones I think will never get it they get it and
they get on track and they stay on track and then other people that I think okay
they got this they don't got it so what I want you to do with that is confront
that thought if you've had periods of sobriety in recovery before then
clearly you have what it takes and it's probably just that addiction in the back
of your mind telling you lies because you've done it in the past which means
you can do it again limiting belief number three the drug chemical alcohol
whatever insert your own word there is the only thing that makes me happy or
that fixes this problem that I have so obviously this one can come in various
forms but it's essentially the same limiting belief just has different ways
that it comes out so it's like this is the only thing that fixes my anxiety
this is the only thing that helps me sleep this is the only thing that makes
me happy and sometimes there's a little truth to those things but in the big
picture it's probably just mostly a lie because maybe whatever the substances
helps you with your anxiety a little bit in the short run but over the long haul
it's probably making it worse the same with sleep the same with happiness so
this is what I mean when I say you've got to take these limiting beliefs stand
toe-to-toe with them like a big ol bully call it out face it and put the truth
out there because all of these limiting beliefs are just falseness that your
addiction is trying to tell you to get you sucked back into the vortex
okay limiting belief number four is people are going to think that I'm a
total loser now again this one can come in a couple
of forms sometimes it's really hard to talk about being recovery because you
don't want people to know the you were addicted and so you had that
fact and that can put you in compromising positions at social
functions and work functions and it's hard to kind of get out of the substance
use because you're not wanting to tell this truth to people because you're
afraid about what they're gonna think of you or believe it or not it can actually
happen in the reverse as well so a lot of people especially young people but
actually want to think about it not even just young people but lots of people in
general they've made an identity for themselves about being the goodtime guy
about being everyone's best friend or the guy at the party that's how always
has the most fun or throws the best parties it becomes part of your identity
and so you may be thinking to yourself people are gonna think I'm gonna loser
if I stop using substances and so it can work either way sometimes people are
fearful about what people are going to think if they found out they had a
substance abuse problem and sometimes people are fearful about what people are
gonna think if they decide they don't want to use substances anymore in my
experience I have never had anyone tell someone that they were in recovery and
have a bad experience in fact they usually get a whole lot of really
positive reinforcement and the worst thing I've ever seen happened to someone
is that now everyone wants to come up and talk to you about how maybe they
really want to quit or their brother you know drinks too much or their uncle's in
recovery too and they just want to pour all this on you that's about the worst
thing that's going to happen to you for the most part people are gonna feel
really proud of you they're gonna look up to you and people are gonna respect
you for that because most people know recovery is no easy feat another version
of that same one is a statement that's something like well that's just who I am
you know a lot of times I hear people say things like this to get themselves
out of responsibilities and it doesn't even have to be drug or alcohol related
what I mean here is is like if you've got a really bad habit of something and
instead of trying to work on it you say oh that's just me or that's just who I
am it's almost the way that we you know take that responsibility away and just
give ourselves permission to keep on being the way that we've always been
because we just hang on to that and we just accept it without even challenging
it and that one can go for all kinds issues not just drugs and alcohol okay
so the next one on our list is some version of this limiting belief it goes
something like I can't take it anymore or the cravings will never go away or
I'm just miserable it's all these thoughts in our head that's telling us
that it's going to be miserable and horrible and it's always going to feel
that way and it's never going to get any better and it eventually leads you to
the point that says I can't take it anymore until you break and then you go
back out there and use or drink or whatever it is of course there are gonna
be hard times there may be some really hard times especially in the beginning
but one thing that might help you is to understand that the average craving only
lasts about nine minutes if you don't fuel it and I've got a whole video on
dealing with cravings and I'll link it up here for you and it'll help you
understand how to make those moments in time a lot shorter and a lot less
intense okay hang in there with me because I'm going to give you three more
really good ones and these are ones that I hear all the time and this is so
important because once you can identify this belief that you're having and you
can be like oh my gosh I have been thinking that and you can look at it and
really truly analyze it for what the truth is a lot of times you can confront
that and that belief goes away and it clears the pathway what happens is is
it changes from the situation of okay I've been bad and now I have to be good
like being on a diet versus you know what I feel so much better I like my
life this way I don't even want that anymore
being a lifestyle change can you see the difference when you're restricting
yourself your brain is going to constantly want to go back to it it's
like it's just counting down days until the time that you can drink or you can
use or whatever that is this is a complete shift if you've ever heard
anyone in recovery say the desire was lifted or you know it's just I just
don't even want it anymore in fact when I think about it I'm like oh that sounds
terrible it's because they've shifted these
thought processes they no longer think like this and staying sober is a whole
different thing for them it doesn't really feel that hard it
doesn't really feel like they miss the substance it's their new reality and
they like it so this next limiting belief is some version of I've made too
much of a mess and I can never dig out of this hole so that can look like my
family is never going to trust me again or I've just destroyed any kind of
ability I have to get a job because I've had these legal charges or I've ruined
my credit or whatever it is all these messes you might be telling yourself
it's too late I've already dug the hole too deep to get out of so I got to tell
you something really important about this one I have seen people dig out of
holes that even I thought I don't know how they're gonna get out of this mess
but they do in fact what I tell people about it when they're telling me you
know about these like really bad problems the situations that they've got
to figure out in the recovery process so say you know I can't really tell you how
that's gonna fix itself but what I can tell you is that when people get on the
right path things sort of work themselves out now I don't mean like
everything in life will be sunshine rainbows you won't ever have any
problems I'm just saying like these big giant things that feel like they'll
never fix you'll never get on the other side of
I'm telling you I see them work out every single day so I know this one
might feel like a little bit of like a faith leap but look around you look at
other people in recovery look at the messes that they have themselves in look
how much they turned their lives around it definitely can be done and you
definitely can be one of those people okay we're down to two left this next
one is one that's kind of a pity party and it is called I don't deserve it
and so you may feel so bad about everything that you've done that you
feel like you don't even deserve happiness you don't even deserve to turn
your life around or have those good things well that is just addiction
talking to you I'm telling you addiction will tell you whatever it needs to tell
you to keep you stuck sometimes it'll build you up and it'll tell you things
like you're a grown-ass man you can do anything you want I don't know why these
people are trying to control you you'll take things like that well once you've
done made a whole bunch of mistakes it will tell you really negative things
it'll beat you tell you what a loser you are tell you
you don't have what it takes you can't turn it around you might as well not
even try because you've already ruined everything it's just a barrage of
negative self-talk and so you may be thinking you don't
deserve better well I got to tell you that's just
simply not the case everyone deserves better than being stuck in addiction
because it is pure hell and miserable and no one deserves to be stuck in there
and if you cannot wrap your head around that you just are so shameful and feel
terrible about everything you did how about this the people around you deserve
for you to get better this is the whole like I'm powerless it's a disease I
can't control it self talk issue now if you've been watching many of my videos
you know I have some out there about how I feel about the powerlessness concept
and how I feel about the disease concept it's not so much that I totally disagree
with those ideas but sometimes people hide behind that as a way to not get
better and so that's why I'm not a hundred percent on board with some of
that thinking and terminology because people will turn it around in their head
to be like I can't do anything about this I'm just sort of at the whim and
the mercy of this addiction and well it might not be your fault that you ended
up with the problem but you can help it there is something you can do and you're
not totally powerless at least not in every way okay so I thought of one last
one I'm gonna give it to you as a quick bonus here you may be thinking some kind
of version of without blank I can't get recovery without my family support
without medications without money without treatment you may be thinking to
yourself I can't get it without and fill in the blank there well here's the real
truth to that people get cleanings over every day without treatment without
their family backing them up people get sober in all kinds of situations I
usually say you don't have to have but one thing to achieve sobriety this is it
right about today what that one thing is it's humility you gotta have enough
humility to really understand that you have this problem and a
willingness to do the things that's going to take to get you out of it
people get recovery every single day in all kinds of conditions see the key to
recovery is about one simple thing it's about changing the way you think
addiction is a thinking issue and so I want you to watch these videos next
which are all about changing that unproductive thinking