Translator: Yu Xie Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
I recently graduated,
and at the time, I felt very lost and unsure about things.
I was experiencing what you would call an "existential crisis,"
which I've since learned is actually quite common for people my age.
So one day, I decided to vent all my emotions out,
and I wrote them all out on paper,
and this poem is a result of that.
Expectations will be the death of me.
From day one, we are told what is expected of us:
conform, go to school, get the grades,
"You have to be the best - no room to screw up."
We put our fate in the control of others and wait to be judged,
define ourselves by grades and numbers,
forever believing that we're not good enough,
because our actions do not match our expectations.
We're expected to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives
at the age of just 16
despite up until that point, having no real life experiences.
I mean, how could we?
At what point were we given the opportunity,
the opportunity to grow as individuals,
discover ourselves,
live free from scrutiny?
Teachers will tell you if you want to make something of yourself,
then you need to go to university.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't feel right right now.
Once you graduate, things will become clear.
Six years on, and I find myself here.
Thoughts about my future terrify me.
I can't sleep or eat.
It's a reason for my dark thoughts at night, the cause of my anxiety,
because I don't have a five-year plan.
And for some reason, that makes me feel guilty.
See, my biggest fear in life is to settle.
Just the thought of it haunts me in my sleep.
I've seen too many people give up and live a life full of regret,
and I don't want that to be me.
To choose stability over your dreams is to let society win,
and I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
Get a nine-to-five job, buy a house, married before 30.
Work, eat, sleep, repeat -
the average 21st-century daily routine.
No passion or drive, we're just living machines
whose only motivation in life is making enough money.
Ask yourself,
Are you living or merely existing?
See, I'm 22, yet I feel I know very little about real stuff,
like what the world looks like on the other side
or how it feels to fall in love.
To settle now would be to give up.
I'm discovering who I really am.
I want to learn and explore.
And maybe I am just wasting time and nothing will come of it,
but I need to take that chance.
I need to know for sure.
I'm sorry, but I cannot be who you want me to be,
because to do that would be sacrificing everything that makes me, me
and settling for a life where I'll never truly be happy.
I spent my whole life trying to please others.
It gets tiring and lonely.
I'm forever trapped by the expectations of society,
and I feel I'll never escape from this feeling.
I am calm on the outside, but inside I am screaming.
See, despite my best efforts, I don't know what I'm doing in my life.
But my gut instinct tells me that the path you've got in mind isn't right.
At least not for me.
My future should not be dictated by a degree I chose at 16,
because everyone around me told me it was the right thing for me.
I look back now, and I can't help but disagree.
But the truth is,
I say I have all these ambitions and dreams,
how I want to change the world and spread positivity,
but I fear soon I'll have to face reality.
The doubts in my mind will take over, and the passion inside will die.
I'll surrender to the pressures of society and surrender to a comfortable life,
one with no hopes, no passions, no desires,
just the same old routine,
never to know what it feels like to be alive.
So I wrote this when I was going through a very difficult time in my life.
I graduated with a law degree.
I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life,
and I was advised that law would be a good path to go down.
So I did everything that was expected of me,
and I always thought that once I graduate,
things would just magically fall into place,
I'd just know what to do with my life,
and I'd just know what path to go down.
But unfortunately, the reality was the opposite.
I had no idea what I was doing,
and I had this sudden realization
that actually law wasn't what I was passionate about;
it's not what I saw myself doing for the rest of my life.
But at the same time, I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know what I liked or I disliked,
what am I passionate about?
what motivates me?
So I don't really have an alternative option,
so I felt stuck.
And when I confided with my peers, they all pretty much said the same thing:
"Yeah, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I don't know who I am."
And when you don't have that choice,
you settle.
And that's my biggest fear;
the idea that you can spend your whole life in a job
that you don't really care about
terrifies me.
So for a while, I was questioning
between the right path and the unknown path,
the right path being I've got a law degree,
I've got the qualifications -
just carry on going down that route.
And the unknown path being
taking the time to figure out who you really are.
You know, going out of your comfort zone,
trying new things
and slowly learn about yourself along the way.
The problem with this is it's very unstable.
I come from a background
where I always knew what the next step was.
I very much focused on grades and results - I was tested every year -
and that's how I based my worth.
So to go from that to a situation with completely unpredictable -
you know, I could be doing this for a few years
and still be in a same position as I started,
where I have, literally, have no idea who I am.
That's scary to me.
But not as scary as settling.
So I thought, you know what?
I'm just going to go for it and just pray it works out.
And initially, I found that really hard;
I found that really, really tough.
I pretty much felt like a failure.
I felt like I had given up everything that I worked so hard on.
And it was during this really difficult time
that I discovered spoken word poetry.
My friend introduced me to some poems online.
I watched them,
and I loved how they took the emotions
and turned them into something very powerful and palpable,
and it really touched me.
And one night when I was feeling particularly down
and had a lot of emotions,
I thought, you know what?
I'm just going to write a poem and see what happens.
So I did, and I shared it with my friend
and slowly built the courage to put it up online.
And I kept doing that and slowly built a momentum,
and I grew an audience.
And that changed everything for me.
I taught myself skills
such as filming, editing, writing, performing,
public speaking,
but more importantly, I learnt lessons.
I finally felt like I had a voice, that I had a purpose,
something that I can show to the world.
I grew in confidence.
You know, I'd be doing all these things, challenging myself,
and with each thing,
I'd learn more about my potential and what I'm capable of.
You know, two years ago, I had no idea I would be doing this right now.
And also I learnt how to communicate with people better.
Growing up, I was very guarded, would not talk about feelings,
but as I slowly started to become more vulnerable and honest,
not only did I have better relationships with the people in my life
like my friends and my family,
but I also got to connect with strangers from the other side of the world,
which leads me onto the next part, of my view of success.
I used to see success as something that could be measured
in terms of grades or results,
but I now see it in a much more holistic way.
You know, the fact that I can come up with an idea in my head,
put it on paper,
put the video online,
and someone on the other side of the world can watch that,
and it can help them get through their day -
that's success in my eyes.
So, yeah, I guess it's made me realize
just how important it is to take the time to figure out who you really are
because it's improved my life so much
and it's something that's quite simple but we don't put a lot of focus on.
So I want to now ask all of you guys,
Do you feel like the life that you live today -
so your job, your friends, what you choose to do in your spare time,
your hobbies -
do you feel like all of those things actually reflects who you truly are?
I also want to take a moment to say
that if there's anyone listening right now who has a passion for something,
just go for it.
Honestly, just give it at least one shot.
And if it doesn't work out, you can go back to square one.
But if it does,
you could potentially find something that you really care about.
Or if you're in the same position as I was,
where you don't really know who you were,
but you kind of wanted to find out,
just go out of your comfort zone and try new things.
Like, growing up, I had no interest in poetry.
It wasn't even something that was on my radar.
I never read poems.
If someone told me two years ago
that I'd be standing here, talking about my feelings in a poem,
in Germany,
I'd be like, "That's crazy."
But I'm here, and it's not something I saw myself doing,
but I tried it one day, and, you know, now I'm doing this.
So, yeah, just go out of your comfort zone
and try new things
is basically what I'm trying to say.
I want to end this talk with a poem
that pretty much summarizes what I've experienced
and the lessons I've learned.
How do you make life decisions when you have no idea who you are?
Barely even trust yourself - where do you even start?
You can follow the advice of others, but that will only get you so far
because, you see, the answer isn't external.
It's here inside your heart.
There's a reason why we feel lost, unhappy, unfulfilled.
It's because we feel trapped; we're going against our free will.
We settle; we stagnate.
We learn to stand still.
We do as we're told and make sure we fit the bill.
We're told to focus on results.
You have to show credentials.
No time to explore or discover your potential.
Make the right decisions because decisions are consequential,
and if you want to be successful, the results are essential.
So I did everything I was told.
And I still felt lost.
I lived my life according to a checklist,
but at what cost?
I went through the system, I listened and obeyed.
But when it came to who I was, I had nothing to say.
So I quit.
I quit trying to please a system in which I no longer fit.
I was stressed under the pressure that made me physically sick.
With my mental health declining, I decided that that's it!
I told myself I give myself two years to try new things,
go out of my comfort zone, explore
and see what it brings.
And that wasn't easy.
I was going against everything that I knew.
With no set rules or way to measure success,
I didn't have a clue.
I felt lost,
like a failure.
I had no idea what to do.
Looking back now,
hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could have happened to me.
It took feeling like a failure to finally set me free.
I had a fresh start, a chance to rebuild myself,
be whoever I wanted to be.
Because what's there to lose when you have nothing?
Or what's there to gain?
Everything.
There were no rules, no restrictions, no more pressure to compete.
I did things because I wanted to.
I did things for me.
I observed, challenged myself,
discovered my love for poetry,
put up videos online,
connected with people worldwide
and talked about things that mattered to me.
I write poetry,
but more importantly, I connect and engage.
I get to make an impact, travel, perform on stage.
Life no longer feels restricted - more like an open game.
I'm the one in control now,
and it feels great.
It feels great because two years ago
I had no idea that this is where I would be.
I used to feel so trapped and restricted;
I had no idea I could feel this free.
Once I stopped living by the rules, I opened myself up to opportunity.
Understanding who I am has completely transformed my life:
how I communicate with people,
make decisions, my performance, my drive.
It put the control back into my own hands,
and for once, I felt satisfied.
We should all be given the opportunity to figure out who we truly are.
And we should be given that opportunity right from the very start.
School should educate and instill these values at a young age
so that we don't wake up in our 40s thinking we made a great big mistake,
living with the regret that we wasted our whole life away.
Grades and results are important,
but so is understanding yourself.
Living a happy and fulfilled life,
that's the true meaning of well.
Thank you.
(Applause)