- "Um...I wanted to know what sex felt like,
"so I took your manicure tool,
and I put it..."
[laughter]
[dark electronic music]
[bell dinging]
Oh. [chuckles]
Nicely done.
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm!
[moaning]
[piglet whining]
♪ ♪
[fork clatters]
♪ ♪
[whining]
♪ ♪
[whining continues]
♪ ♪
Your mama's so delicious.
[cheers and applause]
She has her own podcast, "Cook'd."
Please give it up for Kelsey Cook.
[cheers and applause]
- The time that I tried masturbating,
I ended up in the emergency room.
[laughter]
And it happened because I went through this super-awkward
puberty leading up to it.
Like, when I was 15, that was the year that all of my friends
lost their virginity, and I was the only one who hadn't yet,
so I felt really left out.
Like, my friends would talk about their favorite positions
at lunch, and I would just bury myself in my sandwich like,
"Oh, cool, anal, ehh..." like...
Like, I was so naive.
I had a very Lisa Simpson vibe in school.
Like, a guy passed me a note in math class.
It just said "69" on it,
and I didn't know what that meant yet.
I thought he was starting a math game with me.
[laughter]
So I just built onto it.
I was like, "69 divided by 3 is 23.
Your turn."
[laughter]
He was like, "The fuck?
No, this is not what you think this is."
And I got teased for not knowing,
and I just, like, I kind of snapped, right?
Like, there was too many things building up.
I was so sick of feeling left out and clueless,
and I was sick of waiting for a boyfriend to lose
my virginity to, so I got this crazy idea, and I was like,
"Okay, I'm gonna stick something up there
"so that I'll know what sex feels like
and I can feel cooler around my friends."
I know how mentally unstable this sounds, by the way.
Any time you go the homemade dildo route,
never a great idea.
But I was so desperate to fit in that I just decided
to take matters into my own pussy, so, you know,
I was, like, this is happening now.
So...so I went home from school,
and I decided to, like, you know, look around the house
for an object to lose my virginity to.
[laughter]
You know, and just like anyone's first time,
I was super nervous.
Oh, my God.
And I went to my mom's bathroom closet,
because it was just full of, like, phallic wonders, right?
Just, like, Sonicare toothbrush handles
and travel-sized shampoo bottles.
But the thing that really caught my eye was,
she had this handheld manicure tool.
You could put little attachments on top to, like,
buff your nails, but the handle was shaped like a dick.
A little too much like a dick, by the way.
Like, whoever designed it was definitely targeting
curious teenage girls and lonely housewives.
It was bright blue.
It looked like Papa Smurf's boner.
Just, ugh. Just so awkward.
The only problem I didn't notice at the time
was that it was made of a grippy rubber material.
Yeah.
There's a little foreshadowing for you.
But again, I knew nothing about that hole and, like,
what should or shouldn't go in there.
So... [sighs]
So I drop my pants, and I, you know,
put my foot up on the side of the tub, as you do.
[laughter]
You know.
Hi, sir, by the way.
This is... [sighs]
Weird for both of us.
And I--I started to try and, you know, like,
make this happen, but I'm not aroused by anything
that's going on.
Frankly, I'm terrified,
so I'm as dry as a dead man's mouth.
[laughter]
And my body is not helping me at all.
So that combined with this grippy rubber material,
it's like a kid trying to go down an unsoaked Slip 'N Slide.
It's just, like...
[laughter]
Nothing.
So I stop for a sec, and the sane part of my brain is like,
"Dude, this is clearly not meant to be.
You just need to wait to have regular-person sex."
[laughter]
And then the crazy part of my brain was like,
"I'm not a fucking quitter."
[laughter]
I'm already crouched over naked like Gollum.
Like, we've come this far.
Let's just throw the Hail Mary.
So all of my desperation to fit in
fueled my tiny pubescent wrist until I fit the manicure tool
all the way inside of me.
And then I just stood there frozen for a second
with it in me like, "Uhh."
And then I threw it out, and I threw it in the trash,
and I got in the shower to, like, wash the shame off of me.
[laughter]
And I knew that something was horribly wrong right away,
because I started to feel a burning and itching sensation.
And I was like, "Oh, fuck.
"Okay, I'll look at it with a mirror,
and maybe it will look fine."
[laughter]
What I saw in that mirror still haunts my dreams
to this day.
My crotch had swollen shut.
[laughter]
Closed like the bank on a Sunday.
My pussy looked like Rocky's eye turned sideways.
[laughter]
Yeah, no bueno.
So my stomach dropped.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
"I need medical attention.
"I'm gonna have to tell a doctor exactly what
"I just did, but before that,
"I'm gonna have to tell my mom,
"because I need somebody to drive me
to the doctor's office."
Like, my puberty is just flashing before my eyes.
Everything's coming to an end.
So my mom is in bed at this point.
She's doing, like, a crossword puzzle or something momsie.
I walk in pale as a ghost.
And she sees me, and she's like,
"What's going on with you? What's wrong?"
And I was like, "Um...
"I don't know how to tell you this,
because you're never gonna see me the same way again."
[laughter]
And she was like, "Sweetie,
nothing you tell me can make me stop loving you."
[laughter]
[sighs]
And I was like, "Let's not say things we can't take back."
[laughter]
I was like, "Um,
"I wanted to know what sex felt like,
"so I took your manicure tool,
and I put it..."
[laughter]
"I put it inside me, and now my vagina's gone."
[laughter]
And my mom was like, "Wow.
"Well, we were gonna have corn dogs for dinner, but..."
[laughter]
"Now that seems like a safety hazard, so..."
[laughter]
She's like, "All right, get in the car; here we go,
going to the doctor's office," so we drove down
to the emergency clinic.
I grew up in this tiny town.
I'd been seeing the same family doctor
since I was, like, five years old.
He's this 60-year-old Christian man,
very Steve from "Blue's Clues" type of energy,
not great for the situation.
He has no idea how to handle it.
He's just like, "Okay, Kelsey,
we're all a little confused as to what you did."
[laughter]
"Something with a--a manicure tool?
Susan, do you know? Nope, nobody knows, okay."
[laughter]
"Do I need to have a little look-see
at your undercarriage?"
I'm like, "Just put me down like an old animal.
Oh, my God. I can't do this."
So he straps on his miner's headlight...
[laughter]
To go spelunking for treasure.
[laughter]
And he goes down, and he pokes around with a Q-tip
a little bit, and he comes back up, and he's like,
"All right, so, you know, from all the swelling and burning
"and inflammation, I can deduce
"that you are allergic to latex.
"So, you know, going forward, that means no latex condoms,
"no latex gloves.
"Please don't do anything with balloon animals.
No."
[laughter]
"Let's not do that."
So I left the clinic that day with that knowledge
that I'm allergic to latex.
All my future boyfriends have been very happy about that,
right, you know, just high fives all around, no condoms.
I'm just riddled with disease.
[laughter]
Unfortunately, I didn't redeem
my awkward reputation at school.
You know, I did all that to try and fit in, and instead,
word spread around the school of what happened,
and everybody was like, "Hey, old hairy bush
"made her pussy disappear; check that out.
Look at that, the world's worst magician over here."
[laughter]
I was so embarrassed.
Like, this haunted me for ten years.
I was just mortified about it.
And I honestly thought I was done with my latex encounters
until two years ago when I moved to Los Angeles
and I went to a new doctor for my annual exam,
and I was lying back on the table.
He did the whole, like, fingers inside you business,
and then I sat up as he was taking his gloves off,
and I was like "Oh, no."
I was like, "Are those latex gloves?"
And he was like, "Yeah, do you have an allergy?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And he was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry.
What happens when you come into contact with it?"
And I was like, "My vagina tries to kill itself."
[laughter]
And he was like, "Oh, shoot.
"Okay, well, there's not much I can do for you right now.
"I can prescribe you some cream
that you can spread down there."
I was like, "It's not a bagel. I don't..."
[laughter]
"I don't want to do that."
So he writes me this prescription,
and he walks out, and I'm just standing there so pissed.
I'm like, "There's no way I'm going through this again.
Like, there has to be a way around this."
So my survival instincts kicked in.
And I locked the doctor's office door behind me.
And I got another crazy idea.
I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna masturbate,
"because if I can make myself come,
"I might be able to flush out the allergens
before a reaction starts."
I think Bill Nye would be pretty proud of my plan.
[laughter]
There's obviously no scientific research behind this at all.
But I was just, like, I just have to try this.
I have to go for it.
I'm also standing there, like, I can't believe that ten years
ago I tried masturbating and I gave myself
an allergic reaction, and now I'm gonna masturbate
to try to not have an allergic reaction.
Really a decade of doing the Lord's work, this one.
So I'm racing against the clock at this point.
Like, this reaction's coming, so I drop my pants,
and I just, like, I close my eyes.
I try to, like, find a way to be turned on.
I just--I picture that Channing Tatum's behind me just, like,
you know, grinding it out to some "Pony" by Ginuwine.
You know, just, like, really encouraging me.
And by the power of Magic Mike,
I came, and I did not have an allergic reaction.
Hey.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Yeah.
Sometimes you've got to be your own douche.
And now I think I should get the letters "RX"
tattooed on these two fingers, 'cause they're the only
prescription I need, motherfucker.
All right, I'm Kelsey Cook. Thanks so much, guys.
[dark electronic music]
- Kelsey Cook, everybody.
Give it up for Kelsey Cook.
[cheers and applause]