Hey everybody! Happy Thursday!
And when it's Thursday here at kati.morton.com, what does that mean?
It means I'm doing an FAQ. And I also do videos about things in the media,
so if there's something you want me to address or a video that's come out, or if
there's an article or something shifty and you're like "WTF. Kati, what do you
think?", shoot it over to me in the comments and let me know.
Because I do those too.
But if you're new to the channel, hello! And welcome. If you're wondering,
"I have a question but how do I get it answered? I just don't know! Ahh!
What do I do?" I answer the comments and questions,
and how I pull my FAQ questions for videos like today is below my Monday video.
I give it 24 hours. So the video will come out usually around 10am or noon on
a Monday. After 24 hours, I go through all the comments and try to comment back on as
many as I can, and that's where I potentially pull the question for today.
I also go onto my website, katimorton.com, under "Kati's Videos", the tab at the top,
scroll down, "Q&A For Videos" - I go in there and I chat with you all and maybe
pull your question from there to be answered in a Thursday video.
So I hope that clears that up, I know a lot of you were like "Kati, what do I do?"
And after that 24 hours and I've already done my first pass through, if you see I
have a ton of comments and I've already commented back on most people's,
I don't go back through. And I know that it's, like, annoying, but wait till the
next video comes out and put it below that Monday video. Because I have almost,
I don't know, 550, 600 videos? That's a lot, and I can't just keep going back
because it's actually really, really time- consuming and very difficult.
So, without further ado, today's question. And I think this was something in YouTube.
I always forget whether it's YouTube or my website. But the question is:
"Hey Kati, I love your videos." Why thank you! "I've been wondering this for a while
but is it okay for a parent to hit a child if it doesn't leave much of a mark?
Because my dad used to slap me on the bum if I misbehaved or shove me into my room
hard enough that I've hit the floor. I understand that he grew up in an
environment where this was perfectly fine, but what about now? He hasn't really done
it for a while but it still bothers me. Thanks, I hope you can answer."
And I really wanted to talk about this because this is something that bothers me.
And it's something that may not "technically" be abuse, but it is, in a
way, because it bothers us and it's not okay. And it's not okay to hit a child
even if it doesn't leave a mark. Leaving a mark doesn't mean that oh, all of a
sudden it's abuse, it's physical abuse, see? You could see it!
It still happened. And the only reason that abuse is so terrible is because of
what we think about ourselves, what it makes us feel about ourselves, and how
demeaning it is as a human for another human to do that.
Hitting anyone is not okay, violence is not the answer. I know people use that as
a joke, but it's really true! It's not the answer.
So, how do we then discipline our children in a way that is healthy and allows them
to make good decisions for themself without the fear of extreme physical
punishment? And the answer is - and I actually had to do some research on this,
'cause for any of you who know, I don't have children. So, you know.
That didn't happen. But I am aware, because I do do couples, marriage, family
therapy, of ways that people can non-physically discipline their children.
And one is starting around, they say, around the age of two when they're a
toddler, making it very clear what your expectations for them are.
Repeating it over and over, going through it with them multiple times a day, maybe
having a chart on the wall where you're like, "My little girl Lily needs to do X,
Y, Z each day." and you hold her up and have her put her stickers on it and yay!
"You did what you were supposed to do today and that was what I expected of you,
and I am pleased that you did what was expected."
So that they know the parameters - children do very well with structure and
very well with knowing the parameters of what they're able to and what they're not
supposed to do. And so then they work within that, and if they've stepped out of
that, sometimes all you have to do is give them a look, and they know that
they've done something wrong and they almost discipline themselves. They're like
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to", you know, and that way they are much more
well-behaved. So there's no fear of like, "Uh, I'm gonna hit you!" or "I'm gonna
give you a treat" or "Do you want that Snickers bar? Then you better do that!"
And none of those things actually lead children to feeling self-confident and
good about themselves and in control. Because the one thing that leads to
fussiness and tantrums is feeling out of control and feeling like they can't
express their needs or not getting their needs met. There's no way to properly
communicate and so we freak out. And that's just what research shows today.
I would love for all of you to share your comments, or any tips or tricks that you
have. Positive only, as you know. I'm not going to approve things that are joking
about abusing children, because that's not funny.
But sharing your tips and tricks, because like I said I'm not a parent, I'm only
reading what the newest research/parental advice things are giving me, and what I've
heard from colleagues who work exclusively with parents and parenting
techniques. They have parenting classes. So there's a lot more that is out there
and available, but they find this to be the most successful. So, let me know what
you think, and I want to make sure I answer the rest of this question, because
she said, "I understand that he grew up in an environment where this was perfectly
fine, but what about now?" And it would still bother you because it's technically
physical abuse. I know it's not meant that way, but it's just a very old-fashioned
way of disciplining, so I would express that to them, and I would try to let them
know that it makes you uncomfortable, and maybe come up with a different plan, if
they're open to it. I would encourage each of you, if you're old enough to verbalize
and old enough to stand up for yourself, I would say, you know, when you spank me I
find myself feeling really upset and really sad. What if we had, like, a chart
where I could know what you're wanting me to do and what's not okay and we could
talk about it and then we can go through it that way, because that might save you
in the end from that. Okay?
I love you all, I will see you on Saturday with a journal topic. If you have a
journal topic, plonk it here below. Okay? Bye!
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