WELCOME, EVERYBODY.
SO NICE TO SEE ALL YOUR SHINING FACES IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL
AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
IT HS NOW BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE RUSSIA BEGAN ITS BRUTAL, ILLEGAL
INVASION OF UKRAINE.
THIS IS A VAST HUMAN TRAGEDY, AND THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN WAR,
BUT SO FAR, THE LOSER IS RUSSIA.
THEY HAVE FACED UNBELIEVABLE RESISTANCE BY THE BRAVE
UKRAINIAN PEOPLE, WHO HAVE KEPT PUTIN FROM MEETING WHAT HE
APPARENTLY THOUGHT WOULD BE EASY MILITARY OBJECTIVES.
WHERE PUTIN HAS SUCCEEDED IS IN UNITING THE ENTIRE FREE WORLD
AGAINST THEM.
RUSSIA IS GETTING ABSOLUTELY PUMMELED WITH BOYCOTTS AND
SANCTIONS.
UPON
AS WELL THAT YOU SHOULD.
>> Jon: YEAH, THEY SHOULD.
>> Stephen: AS WELL THEY SHOULD.
TO THE POINT THEY'RE TRYING TO SCARE US INTO DROPPING THEM.
ONE KREMLIN SPOKESPERSON EXPRESSED IT IN THIS
THREATENING WAY: "THE UNITED STATES HAS DECLARED
ECONOMIC WAR ON RUSSIA."
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
( LAUGHTER )
HAVING THE DESIRED EFFECT.
YESTERDAY, FITCH, WHICH IS A CREDIT RATING AGENCY, DOWNGRADED
RUSSIAN SECURITIES BY SIX NOTCHES, TO A SINGLE-C GRADE.
IN THIS CASE, THE "C" STANDS FOR WHAT THEIR MONEY IS NOW WORTH:
CRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE "C" RATING.
>> Jon: "C" NOTE.
>> Stephen: "C."
THE "C" RATING REFLECTS FITCH'S VIEW THAT A SOVEREIGN DEFAULT IS
IMMINENT.
RUSSIA IS ABOUT TO LOSE EVERYTHING AND CRASH WITH A
BUDDY, I GUESS.
BELARUS BETTER HAVE A BIG COUCH, BECAUSE WITHOUT A CREDIT RATING,
THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN PAY THEIR DEBT IS BY HOLDING A GARAGE SALE
AT LENIN'S TOMB.
EVERY PICKLED CORPSE MUST GO!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
IS THIS 1967 OR 1972?
THE ECONOMY HAS GOTTEN SO BAD IN RUSSIA, SOME SUPERMARKETS ARE
EVEN LIMITING THE AMOUNT OF FLOUR AND SUGAR CUSTOMERS CAN
PURCHASE.
THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH ON "THE GREAT RUSSIAN BAKE-OFF":
"MY SIGNATURE BAKE TODAY IS DELICIOUS BROWNIES.
INGREDIENTS ARE POTATO.
AND BROWN.
( LAUGHTER )
HOARDING ITEMS FROM IKEA, H&M, AND ZARA BEFORE THEY BECOME
RELICS OF A BYGONE ERA.
THAT'S AMAZING THAT THEY THINK ANYTHING FROM H&M WILL LAST LONG
ENOUGH TO BECOME A RELIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK-- I THINK THEY COME IN A KLEENEX BOX.
I THINK THERE'S ONE WIPE.
YESTERDAY, McDONALD'S ANNOUNCED THEY WERE TEMPORARILY CLOSING
ALL OF THEIR LOCATIONS IN RUSSIA.
THAT UNLEASHED A FRENZY OF PANIC BUYING.
JUST LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE LINING UP TO GET THEIR LAST
TASTE OF SPECIAL SAUCE.
AND WITH THE GOLDEN ARCHES CLOSING DOWN, RUSSIANS ARE GOING
TO HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THEIR LOCAL CHAIN:
"McDOSTOEVSKY'S," HOME OF THEIR KIDS MEAL: THE BOX OF SADNESS.
♪ BA, DA, BA, DA, DAAA LIFE'S MEANINGLESS.♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT LOOKS LIKE--
IT LOOKS LIKE ALL MAJOR FOOD BRANDS ARE "RUSSIAN" FOR THE
EXITS.
YESTERDAY, COCA-COLA AND PEPSI ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WILL SUSPEND
BUSINESS IN RUSSIA.
YOUR MOVE, SHASTA!
COKE IS SUSPENDING ALL OF THEIR OPERATIONS, BUT PEPSICO
ANNOUNCED THEY WOULD CONTINUE TO SELL POTATO CHIPS AND DAILY
ESSENTIALS SUCH AS MILK, CHEESE, AND BABY FORMULA, TO WHICH
RUSSIAN BABIES SAID, "ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T HAVE COKE?
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY."
PUTIN IS TRYING TO WIN THE P.R.
BATTLE AT HOME BY RALLYING HIS PEOPLE AROUND A NEW LOGO.
REPORTEDLY, THE LETTER "Z" HAS BECOME A SYMBOL FOR RUSSIANS WHO
SUPPORT THE INVASION OF UKRAINE.
NO!
NO, PUTIN!
YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE LETTER "Z"!
IT'S ONE OF THE MOST ESSENTIAL LETTERS!
IT'S 40% OF "PIZZA!" THE "Z" SYMBOL.
PIZZA FANS?
( APPLAUSE )
THE "Z" SYMBOL STARTED POPPING UP A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN IT WAS
SEEN PAINTED ON TANKS, ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIERS, AND OTHER
MILITARY VEHICLES ALONG THE RUSSIAN BORDER WITH UKRAINE, AND
NOW SOME RUSSIANS ARE PUTTING "Z" STICKERS ON THE BACKS OF
CARS AND ON RUSSIAN BILLBOARDS.
ONE RUSSIAN TALK SHOW PUNDIT RECENTLY WORE A T-SHIRT WITH A
LARGE WHITE "Z," LEADING MANY TO SPECULATE THAT THIS IS AN
ORCHESTRATED KREMLIN EFFORT TO DRUM UP SUPPORT FOR THE WAR.
IT REALLY MAKES PUTIN SEEM REALLY DESPERATE.
IS THIS TRUE?
I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF RUSSIAN CITIZENS' RESPONSE TO
THE CAMPAIGN: >> PUTIN, STOP TRYING TO
MAKE "Z" HAPPEN!
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, COMRADE REGINA.
IT'S A HAT.
IT'S A RUSSIAN-- RUSSIAN HAT.
BUT EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE, NO ONE'S ACTUALLY
SURE WHAT THE "Z" MEANS IN THIS CASE.
SOME HAVE SUGGESTED IT STANDS FOR ZAPAD-- WHICH MEANS WEST--
OR ZA POBEDU, WHICH MEANS "FOR VICTORY."
BUT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS, BECAUSE AS A LETTER, "Z" DOES NOT EXIST
IN THE CYRILLIC RUSSIAN ALPHABET.
AND NOTHING RALLIES THE PEOPLE LIKE SOMETHING THEY DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S WHY U.S. ARMY RECRUITING POSTERS USE WINGDINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS--
I THINK IT SAYS, "YOUR MOVE, SHASTA."
I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
THIS IS UPSETTING FOR A LOT OF REASONS, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH
IS THAT I WAS THE LETTER "Z" IN THE "SESAME STREET" ALL-STAR
ALPHABET.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M "Z"!
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THAT IS "SESAME STREET."
THAT'S SESAME STREET."
THAT'S AS OFFICIAL AS IT GETS.
SO AS "Z," I GET TO DEFINE WHAT "Z" MEANS.
AND RIGHT NOW, "Z" STANDS FOR ZELENSKYY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
YESTERDAY, THE Z-MAN SPOKE TO THE BRITISH HOUSE OF COMMONS.
FIRST, HE QUOTED SHAKESPEARE, THEN HE MOVED THE ROOM BY
CHANNELING WINSTON CHURCHILL.
>> (translated): WE WILL FIGHT TO THE END IN THE SEA, IN THE
AIR.
WE WILL FIGHT FOR OUR LAND, WHATEVER THE COSTS.
WE WILL FIGHT IN THE FORESTS, IN THE FIELDS, ON THE SHORES, IN
THE STREETS.
( APPLAUSE )
AUDIENCE.
HE IS REALLY TUGGING ON THE OL' BRIT-STRINGS.
HIS NEXT SPEECH IS GONNA BE: "AS YOUR GREAT WARTIME TRANSPORT
SECRETARY THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE SAID, "YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY.
CHIM-CHIMENY, CHIM-CHIMENY CHIM-PEPPA-PIG
BANGERS AND MASH!
FOR FRODO!
( APPLAUSE )
AT THE END.
ZELENSKY SPOKE TO THE HOUSE OF COMMONS BECAUSE, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, UKRAINE WANTS MORE PLANES.
BUT NOT JUST ANY PLANES.
THEY'RE SPECIFICALLY LOOKING FOR MIG-29 FIGHTER JETS, WHICH ITS
PILOTS KNOW HOW TO FLY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S DIFFERENT THAN PILOTING AMERICAN JETS, BECAUSE IN
EUROPE, THEY FLY ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SKY.
( LAUGHTER )
NEXT DOOR TO UKRAINE, HAS MIGS.
BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM.
THE RUSSIAN MINISTRY OF DEFENSE IS WARNING THAT IF WARPLANES
BASED IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WERE TO ATTACK RUSSIAN TARGETS, THEN IT
COULD BE CONSIDERED AS THOSE COUNTRIES' ENGAGEMENT IN THE
MILITARY CONFLICT.
OF COURSE, THERE'S A SIMPLE SOLUTION: BEFORE YOU TURN THEM
OVER, TAKE THE LICENSE PLATES OFF THE FIGHTER JETS, AND FILE
OFF THE VIN.
NOBODY WILL KNOW.
FILE OFF THE VIN.
BUT YESTERDAY, SUDDENLY, THE POLISH GOVERNMENT STUNNED
WASHINGTON BY ANNOUNCING THEY WERE READY TO TRANSFER THEIR 28
MIG-29 FIGHTER PLANES TO A U.S.
NATO BASE IN GERMANY, SO WE CAN HAND THEM OVER TO UKRAINIAN
PILOTS FIGHTING THE RUSSIANS.
THANKS, POLAND!
THANK FOR THAT!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "GOOD NEWS, BOY SCOUTS.
WE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO KEEP THE BEAR FROM MAULING RICKY OVER
THERE.
CARTER, COME PUT ON THIS BACKPACK FULL OF SALMON AND
HONEY, TAKE THIS STICK AND GO POKE HIM IN THE EYE.
POKE THAT BEAR!
GO ON, BUDDY.
YOU GOT IT."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: PUNCH HIM IN THE TONSILS!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS OBAMA'S AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA, MICHAEL McFAUL.
AND THE STAR OF "THE GILDED AGE," DENEE BENTON.
STICK AROUND.