- Hey you my name is Thomas TomSka Ridgewell
and welcome back to "Content."
The show on the internet that happened
whether you like it or not.
One of the first games I ever played in the series
was called "The Presentation Game."
Wherein I would be given a subject at random
and made to give a presentation using images
that would load behind me at random.
I had no idea what was coming.
That was the game. It was improv and people liked it.
And they said, you should do another one of these.
And I said no, because the first one was good.
It'll all be downhill from there.
But guess what? I'm over the hill now.
So why not? Let's do it anyway.
Here's "The Presentation Game Two."
(upbeat music)
Now, it may be hard to believe.
But this used to be me.
I mean, look at me there
cone on my head, stop sign in hand.
What other public amenities was I going to steal?
This is how bad it truly got.
(audience laughing)
I had a deviantart account,
my life was off the rails as I'm sure many of yours is.
I mean, before coming in here today,
I asked you to tweet at me your greatest mistakes.
And this is one of you sent truly upsetting,
can't even fit in door.
(laughter)
I'm here to tell you that there is hope.
If you follow the advice I'm about to give you,
this could be you. To be clear, you're the baby.
(laughter)
Why would you want to be the baby?
Because you don't want to be this,
no one wants to be that. He forgot everything but leg day.
Step one. Perhaps the most obvious, stay hydrated.
It's important to drink winky.
Step two, advance in your career.
Now, this may seem like the ends
of the product of being motivated.
But really, it's just the start of your journey.
You see an opportunity to advance
in your career, you take it,
you get on that couch,
or you get on those knees. That didn't feel good.
(laughter)
And number three. Remember, if you stay hydrated,
you suck that dick you will be on fire.
Metaphorically and maybe literally.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.
This has been in no way a help to any of you, get fucked.
(upbeat music)
Yes, it is me Mr. superhero,
your arch nemesis grey bow,
I am going to destroy.
I have brought you here because
I'm going to destroy the world.
And I'm going to tell you how I'm going to do it
in an extremely elaborate monologue,
giving you ample time to thwart all my plans.
Did I say that out loud? Anyway, you see
your world superhero man,
I'm going to shoot it with peanuts.
And all the people who are allergic will die.
"But that is them taken care of,
what about the others?" you say.
Well, he's terrifying.
(audience laughing)
Is he not?
I have unleashed him onto the world.
And he will slice and he will dice
and then he will do his shit,
on that, the other one of his yes, he's very naughty.
It wll march all the humans
into my elaborate death camps.
"death camps" you say? Yes.
Here they are. My death camps are on the moon.
No one will be able to stop them.
What's that superhero? You think you can stop me?
How are you going to stop me?
You think you can throw the cheese and stop me?
fool that you are?
No, I have thought of that.
I have the ultimate cheese stopping machine.
Boom! He's coming. He's a little late.
He's on the trip. But he is coming.
And he will consume all of the cheese.
And when he's done, oh, when he's done.
No. How did he get here?
Yeah, he was supposed to be dead.
This cannot be, how have you amassed
such a powerful army of allies.
Oh, no. The others. They're arriving.
It's Mr. pisser. He's here.
No. And also Garfell.
Please, have mercy on me superhero.
For I am but, a humble supervillain.
I'm so depressed with the terrible idea.
I'm so sorry. God, it's quite warm in here
if I'm honest with you.
(upbeat music)
Hello, yes, come in.
I'm so glad that you're interested in this property.
You know, truthfully, it's been on the market
for a little while but don't indulge rumours.
But people like to say it's haunted.
So come on through let me let me show you the living room.
See, here we have the living room ignore the dead body.
But look how spacious it is.It's It's wonderful, isn't it?
Now, let's go through to the kitchen.
Here we have the kitchen. It's so silly. Oh my god.
We thought they would have taken that out by now
that this is perfectly normal fixture in this in this town.
You're from out of town right? Yes. Yes.
No, this is this is perfectly normal.
If you don't like it, we can have it removed.
Dining Room, right? We love.
Everyone loves the dining room.
This is the dining room. You're screaming.
Why you scream?
(laughter)
Okay, so full disclosure.
A hentai addict did die in this house.
That spirit may still be lingering around.
But you know, again, we can have that removed.
We can clear it out. We'll call in a shaman.
We'll call it an exorcist. No problem.
Let's let's look upstairs. Let's look upstairs. All right.
So here we have the guest bedroom
Ah, okay. Okay, so all right look okay,
now look, it's fine.
Let me just give Give that to me.
Okay, so yes, there is a death cult here
and they do like to sacrifice bitch don't talk.
They do like to sacrifice babies.
But it's fine every house has its quirks.
You know you can learn to you can learn to live a around,
you want it back. Okay, here you go,
into the fire. Lovely. Fantastic.
Now one more room left let's just jump
into the the main bathroom.
Now, I will be honest,
may have the scariest ghost in the entire house.
But again, you probably haven't dealt with
or not maybe you'd like and maybe you want
to stay here is, no,
(laughter)
that's just the sink
ignore the sink the ghosts that I was trying to talk about.
Like I said you're new to the area.
But if you're buying a house in area 51,
you should expect some silliness you know,
here are our resident ghost grannies
cutting up a ghost alien,
they will do this 23 hours a day, they will fade
into obscurity at roughly 3:15am
and so it gives you about an hour to shower,
to toilet without them being in there.
It's not a big deal. It's not, it's a big deal.
It's a big, you know what, fine, don't have a house then.
Don't have a house. See if I care.
You don't even wanna see the garden.
Well look out the window.
This is the garden you could have had this.
(laughter)
The garden is also a bedroom.
You're leaving fine.
I'm gonna go into the garden bedroom and fuck this Elmo.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
Hello. Yes, it is I leader of your country.
Things have been grim. Yes.
But allow me to briefly distract you with this.
Oh., Isn't he lovely? People are dying.
People are going hungry, people are suspicious.
What are they suspicious of? COVID Where is it?
Who is it? Why is it?
you'll be happy to know that we have an answer.
We have found the origins of COVID,
it came from the boys
have you been out with the boys lately?
You've got COVID. So now that we know
where COVID comes from, we know how to stop it.
Get out into the wild, go lick a tree
because that's where you'll know
COVID can't climb trees.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
Star Wars beloved, franchise,
space, opera, odyssey, buzzword
I think we all loved growing up.
But what happened to it
social justice warriors pictured here.
Who can get this franchise back on track ,who?
That's right, me, a straight white fat bearded man.
I'm what, the world needs right now.
And I would like to introduce you
to my new Star Wars movie. I call it
(laughter)
That's fucking done me in, ah
wrong slide, here's my movie.
Star Wars and the holes of Endor.
The classics. He walks two backers. They're all here.
Have we introduced any new characters? Absolutely not.
We're bringing back fan favourites. Such as Beck.
(laughter)
And who could forget?
(laughter)
Yoda,
(laughter)
there he is. That's right.
We are pandering. See that. That's us.
What are we worshipping to? a toilet.
Who's the toilet? It's you, "The Star Wars" fans.
We're giving you everything you wanted?
Because in this movie, we're straight up
shoehorning other franchises that we know you love.
Thomas the Tank Engine?
The Addams Family
And who could forget Winnie the Pooh.
Now that's all I really have time to tell you
about this upcoming "Star Wars" project.
But there's one more little secret we have left.
Need I say more? Oh, I do.
Robert Patterson's in the movie.
Surprise. motherfuckers the SJW are back
and we put in Twilight in your "Star Wars." Fuck you.
(upbeat music)
Whooh, wow. Heaven. What a night.
God is that you? May I come in? No. Fuck.
Why the things I've done.
You have any proof of that?
You have proof of it?
Look, it was a phase. Okay.
I thought it looked good.
I like the frosted tips.
You can't deny me entry to heaven for that.
It's not like I did anything else.
You have more pic you have fuck.
(laughter)
In my defence. I thought it was a very sexy lady.
I said "hey bitch." She turned around.
How was I supposed to know that it was actually a dog.
Okay, it was one time what,
it's not like we got to have
any other weird shit. Ah, Fuck we did.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
Hello, class. It is me your teacher.
Now I know that this year is a little crazy.
Steve, Steve stop fucking around.
I can see what you're doing there. I don't like it.
(audience laughing)
Get off the ceiling. Steve. Stop fucking around.
We got an important class today.
My voice has already changed.
That's right. I'm a Mafia teacher, forget about it.
Okay class, we got to get back on to
our little cheeky curriculum.
So here's what we're learning about today.
Bada boom bada bing, it's a we got to learn how to swim.
(laughter)
Why the fuck not?
This man here he never learned how to swim.
Look at him. What's that Jimmy?
You don't know why you need to learn how to swim?
Well, you don't you don't learn how to swim.
This is what's gonna happen to you Jimmy.
Ha! That's waiting for you in the water
your head goes under he's there.
He's waiting for you. He's not gonna fuck around.
You want that Jimmy? You don't want that Jimmy.
(upbeat music)
Alright boys, I think we're pretty close
to a breakthrough in this case.
But let's go through the crime scene
photographs one more time.
When we first entered the scene,
this is what we saw, recall it?
That was a duck fucking day. Get it?
a duck fucking day? Like doesn't matter moving on.
Sorry, that was in poor taste.
Then we got down the hallway.
The perpetrator was still there.
My God. scariest fucking moment of my life
when he threw that hamster at me.
And he got away. I'll never know who it was though.
He was so damn fast. And then finally
we got to the crime scene and what did we see?
Boom!
(laughter)
Man I'm sorry,
I didn't warn you boys before
I put this picture up on screen.
I know it's scary, I know, it's unsettling but Jesus Christ
that kind of shit shouldn't be allowed to happen,
not in a civilised society. I guess someone
texted don't meet a cat and put a gun on its tail.
Real fucked up thing as you know,
we've been out there, we've been canvassing.
We've been speaking neighbours.
We spoke to this ugly motherfucker.
(laughter)
He was no help but God I just wanted
to look at his face one more time,
Christ alive, that shouldn't happen.
However, we then spoke to this character
a child, a little slow in the head
but rife with information.
They draw us a picture, a picture of that go us
one step closer to the identity of a murderer, bada boom.
(laughter)
I didn't want to believe it either.
I think it may have been a smurf.
How does Smurf do this? I don't know.
They got tiny little hands.
To get us over the final huddle of this crime investigation,
I'm going to bring in a little extra helping hand.
That's right boys. You've heard the legends
but here they are, Tiddies McGee.
He can suck the truth out of any criminal
he is interrogating the Brooklyn strangler
and just to help boost your morale,
here's a picture of my wife.
(laughter)
Ain't she a looker? She is not
(laughter)
well, I hope you enjoyed that absolute disaster of a video,
if you didn't feel free to leave a comment in your head.
Just leave it there. You don't have to type it out.
I don't, I don't want it.
Here's my favourite find out this week
and here are the most recent "Contents."
"Contents" come out some Tuesdays
including next Tuesday, which will also be the last Tuesday
because the series is ending.
Maybe the world's ending too.
I can't promise anything.
Don't get your hopes up, what am I saying.
TomSka out.