[ Cheers and applause ]
-I've been trying to keep up with everybody
during the pandemic. Like, I've been trying to keep up
with my granddad, 'cause he's,
you know, one of my favorite people.
And he helped raise me and everything.
So sometimes I'll call. He lives in an assisted living facility.
And so I'll call him, and one of the things that happens --
These people are doing an incredible job.
But one of the things that inevitably happens
is every time I call, they hand the phone to the wrong old man.
[ Laughter ] Every single time.
So then, through the phone,
I have to guide an old man to my granddad, right?
And the last few times, they kept handing the phone
to the same wrong old man named JB.
He's a lovely man, but he's not my granddad.
[ Laughter ] You know what I mean?
And so they hand the phone to JB.
And I'm pretty sure his name is JB
because he was born before full names came out, alright?
This dude was born when there were J's and there were B's,
and then he put them together, you know?
He is the most 98-year-old man
I have ever come in contact with in my life.
So then they hand the phone to JB, and I say, "Hello, JB,"
and then he says, "How do you know who I am?"
[ Laughter ]
And then I have to explain to him,
"Sir, I'm actually your roommate's grandson, okay?
So we've actually had lots of conversations.
I was just wondering
if you could hand the phone to my granddad."
And then he's like, "I don't think I know who that is."
And I'm like, "Yes, sir, you do.
He's your roommate. He should be right there."
And he's like, "I'm not sure about that."
And so then finally, I have to ask him,
"Sir, is there an old Black man wearing a conductor's hat
sitting on a bed watching Westerns?"
And then JB goes, "How do you know that?"
[ Laughter ]
And then I have to spend 15 minutes explaining to this man
that I am not the government, alright?
I don't even know what JB did in his life
to think the po-po would still be after him.
[ Laughter ]
It was insane.
And so finally, I can hear him
trying to get my granddad's attention.
And through the receiver, I can hear him
and hear my granddad be like,
"Can't you see I'm watching something?
Leave me alone. I'm busy." Right?
So then JB goes "I don't think he wants to talk."
So then I just talk to JB.
And honestly, it's nice.
It's like having two granddads again, you know?
[ Light laughter ]
'Cause I don't know if you're all as well-versed
with old Black men as I am.
I don't know if they're as intimately in your lives,
but is it just me,
or when old Black men are about to fight,
doesn't it sound like
they're about to tear into a piece of pie?
They're just standing in front of each other like, "Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles ] Mm-hmm. Alright. Okay.
Mm-hmm-hmm. You about to get it, alright?
You about to get beat, alright? Alright?"
And then they give you the recipe of the fight.
Like, "I'm-a take these hands, alright?
I'm-a put a little foot in it, okay?
I'm-a add some cane to it."
[ Laughter ]
I've been watching a lot of TV.
And I've been watching a lot of rom-coms especially.
And I don't know if this bothers anybody else,
but does it trip you out
that everyone in a rom-com has enough money to make it work?
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean? Every rom-com scenario is the same.
It's like boy meets girl.
Boy falls in love with girl. Boy messes it up.
Boy buys a last-minute, day-of flight to Australia, one way,
to get past the gate and stop girl
from taking a life-changing opportunity across the world.
It's like, I don't have last-minute flight money,
alright? [ Laughter ]
Like, even if I managed to get that ticket,
I now have to go with you to Australia,
whether I win you back or not, you know?
Just running -- running onto the plane
like, "Sheila, look, I'm so sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, alright?
I was stupid. I was dumb.
I cared more about my friends
than the things that were important to me, which is you.
You're the most important thing to me.
You make me better, you make me whole,
and I just want you to take me back, alright?
Will you?
No? Okay, well, move over, 'cause I'm window.
Alright? I -- [ Laughter ]
I really thought this would work,
but, you know, buckle up for 16 hours of awkward."
Like, just once, I want to see,
like, a realistic rom-com, you know?
I want to see a rom-com where they can't afford to break up.
You know? Like, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl,
boy messes it up, boy wants to move out,
but in a fit of passion, they signed a lease.
So looks like this is life for the next six months, playboy.
Guys, I'm Josh Johnson. Thanks so much.
You have a great night. Appreciate it.
Thank you so much for coming out.
-Josh Johnson!
For more info, go to joshjohnsoncomedy.com.