hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you are new to
my channel my name is Stephanie I am a life and relationship coach if you are a
subscriber and you're part of the notification community thank you guys so
much for all of your love and support I hope everyone had a great and safe
holiday season so first off I want to go over just some traits of a narcissistic
mother if you are unsure of whether or not you possibly were raised by one and
then most importantly I want to give you some tips on how you yourself can really
heal this relationship so right off the bat there's two different types of
narcissistic mothers there's the enabler and then there's the neglectful
narcissistic mother so the enabler enables the bad behavior
that a child expresses so with this type of mother if there was more than one
child in the household she favored one child
so usually this is called the golden child on the black sheep of the family
oftentimes people call this child and so she put this child on a pedestal a
higher pedestal than her other children she viewed this child very differently
than the rest of her others if you are an only child and you were raised by an
enabling narcissistic mother chances are your narcissistic because you your bad
behavior was tolerated you weren't taught boundaries there weren't rules
that were put in place in your household and children need rules they need to
learn how to have empathy they need to learn how to that the world you know
doesn't revolve around them to some extent and they need healthy boundaries
in order to learn how to become a respectful human being so the next type
of narcissistic mother is the ignoring neglectful mother
so this mother just like the enabler very selfish very self-absorbed but
really everything is about her so her ability to her inability I should say to
connect on an emotional level caused her to not be able to be there for you
emotionally and just like the enabler the only difference really between the
two is the neglectful other it doesn't enable bad behavior she
might say yes you shouldn't do that there was no black sheep in the family
or anything like that she might have rules and boundaries but everything was
about herself so she never did the things that a mother should do to put
her child first because it was all about what she wanted so she or quite frankly
she neglected you in the sense that maybe you know you didn't get baths
every day maybe you weren't you weren't fed properly she neglected you in those
areas because it was it was more so about what she wanted for herself in
that moment not about doing the hard things that you have to do as a parent
or the loving things as a parent it was really just all about herself so while
the enabling narcissistic mother often times gave too much attention to either
one or one child or two children or whatever I gave too much attention to
the child the neglectful mother didn't give enough attention so one of the
traits that both mothers definitely have is she her appearance as a mother so she
was or pretended to be mommy of the year so this narcissistic mother is the
mother that attended every bake sale was a part of PTO was you know heavily
involved in the community you know she hosted playdates at her house all the
sleepovers were at her house you know she did a lot of things to appear to be
the greatest mother in the world so just like a narcissistic father or a
narcissistic male appearance is really really important to these people so
there's an agenda and a motive as to why this parent is doing these certain
things so any parent a healthy parent can be a part of PTO can do the bake
sales can want you know to do the sleepovers at her house and things of
that sort but the difference between a healthy mother and the narcissistic
mother is the agenda so a healthy mother does these things because she's warned
because she's caring because she has empathy and she wants to give that love
in different ways the different no a narcissistic mother gives these
because of how it makes her look as a woman and as a mother she doesn't do it
based off of what is best for the child so she's not gonna put her children
first she's just going to do these things again because of how it makes her
look as a woman so other people will view me as mother of the year even
though I have an inability to connect with my child on an emotional level at
home that's irrelevant how people are viewing me is what's
really important and what's really filling me up inside the next thing is
her quote love was conditional so unconditional love as a parent means I
don't care who you are what you do I don't care the grades that you have I
don't care if you you know or the star athlete in the school I don't care if
you're a star in the school play nothing you do achievement wise means that I'm
gonna love you more that if you get last place in the spelling bee I'm gonna love
you just the same as if you as if you won the Spelling Bee in general so her
love was always conditional because what you provided the narcissistic supply
that you gave her the achievements that you had how you made her look as a
parent as a mother was that is where her love is coming from her love is not
coming from unconditional love the next thing is you weren't allowed to be who
you are and this kind of coincides with the last one but really and truly you
not being able to be who you are is a real thing and oftentimes when you try
to or when you tried to be who you are to express yourself you were shamed you
were shamed you're made to feel guilty you know there was possibly passive
aggressive behavior that was happening you or maybe withheld maybe the parent
withheld love kisses and hugs and affection of any sort because who you
were in that moment was not who she wanted you to be
and so she punished you for it now as a child again you're unaware of this stuff
you're nowhere that you have a narcissistic mother so when you begin to
get punished for being who you are what happens
you put a wall up as to who you are and this is how narcissism is really formed
there's a shutting down of who I really am of my true self because it's not
loved that part of me my true self is not loved so I have to become something
or pretend to be something that I'm not in order to get love and so that's why a
narcissism validation outside of themselves because they didn't learn
no one mirrored back that healthy sense of self for them to stay connected and
say you know what I Know Who I am and I love myself because their parents didn't
do that for them so remember you were always and are always an extension of
her so that means that she was not able to be there for you emotionally you
weren't able to really be yourself and be raw and vulnerable and this is me and
she could really sit in a space for you she was incapable of doing that but when
you did something great she was front-row Center
so if you were the star athlete and it was the final game she was there taking
pictures like that's my son that's my daughter very proud showing everyone
that she's a great mother because the what you did a mate gave her a high
essentially so she was really living through you in that aspect or maybe when
you know growing up you said okay I really want to be a chef I really want
to be an artist and she that's not what she wanted you to be she wanted you to
go to school she wanted you to make a lot of money she wanted you to work in
the city and that's what she promoted and that's what she thought was six
being successful she didn't care really about what you
wanted your uniqueness and what would make you happy all she wanted was what
would what she would think society would view as successful and respectful and
that's the road that she wanted you to go down the next thing is she never
validated what you thought and how you felt and this is this is huge I mean
validation for children is absolutely huge because it it's a test that what
they're thinking is okay that what they're feeling is okay even though it's
sometimes not what we want to have happen so when our child is freaking out
because there's no more ice cream the house and they're throwing a tantrum
and that's not what we want to have happen we have to be able to have
empathy for that we have to be able to validate that child's feelings and when
I hear parents saying well you have you shouldn't feel that way or there's no
reason to feel that way that's wrong that is how the child feels and one of
the quickest ways to move through life in a healthy way is to honor what you're
feeling and not stay attached to what you're feeling so you were supposed to
be taught how to validate what you're feeling and then how do you move through
that feeling in a healthy way but if you were never even validated for what you
felt then often times you just suppress what you felt and that causes more
problems like anxiety and panic attacks and depression and you know insecurity
and low confidence and things about soar a mess of problems addiction etc then
just learning the simple lessons of validating and then learning how to move
through the feeling that you're feeling so if you were never validated then the
story that you're always gonna have is that guilt and shamed story that I'm not
enough story that's gonna be playing throughout the rest of your life and
you're always gonna have that wound King you know around with you unless you know
where did that wound come from and most often it came from that that parent that
relationship with that parent of not getting that validation not getting that
unconditional love so it's one thing to understand okay these are the traits of
a narcissistic mother and as I'm saying these things you and your mind can say
yet my mother definitely did this she was self-absorbed everything was about
her you know she only cared about what other people think and she was so big in
the town but she never was emotionally there for me so as I'm saying these
things you might be going yep that's me yep that's me that happened to me but
the biggest takeaway from this video is not me listing a bunch of traits
it's me giving you real tips on how to heal this relationship because that's
where a lot of your wounds and suffering comes from so in order to really heal
this relationship I always think it's important to understand your parent so
for me understanding why my parents did certain things you know why my parents
are the way they are why anyone is the way they are
right someone that's hurt me an ex-partner things of that sort
understanding why this behavior happens and where it came from for me that's
always been really really helpful it's it's helped me to be able to get to the
point of acceptance because I can accept why someone does what they do doesn't
mean that it's okay and then it doesn't hurt but at least I can accept like okay
this is where this is coming from and it had nothing to do with me so as a grown
adult I know that anything that I maybe didn't get from my father or my mother
that had nothing to do with me that had to do with themselves and didn't mean
that it didn't hurt at the time but I have to be able as an adult to be
logical and self-aware to know okay I know that this wound came from this but
now how do I heal this wound and the only way I can really heal it is to in
the moments when the wound comes up I have to be able to say oh there it is
and self parent myself through this so one of the I don't say quickest ways to
heal your relationship with your mother but the first thing is you have to
accept her for who she is and I feel like sometimes this sounds very easy
okay I'm gonna accept who she is I get it she's narcissistic but when you have
interactions with her and then you feel these letdowns from her because she's
not able to be there for you that's you not accepting who she is so if you sit
in that space of that oh my god I feel so hurt by her and I feel so let down
and you really sit in that for a long period of time that's you not accepting
who she isn't what she's capable of giving so she's incapable of having a
real connection she's incapable of being able to sit in a space for you so when
she does something that's hurtful or shames you or whatever it is you have to
in that moment whenever that wound comes up either anger or sadness or whatever
that comes up of course validated okay I understand why you're here I'm a human
being of course I'm gonna feel feelings but then you have to be able to say okay
but she's doing this because of this and again I said this in a lot of videos for
me that just always took the emotion out but for me and allowed me to remove
myself from the situation because I wasn't causing her to be this way this
just was who she was or whoever doesn't really matter but so when you understand
when your mother does something to just accept she's incapable she's incapable I
feel like that's the first step towards real healing is when you can just say
this is who she is I cannot change her and I have to accept
the behavior now if the behavior is too bad then maybe you don't have a
relationship with this parent just because we have parents doesn't mean we
have to have relationships with them when we become an adult we get to now
choose who is a part of our life so for me this is step number one is absolutely
important is accepting who she is and her ability to not be able to be there
for you emotionally one of the questions that I often get in terms of self
parenting is how do I know how to parent myself how do I know how to have that
inner dialogue with myself and what to say to myself when I didn't have healthy
parents I didn't have parents that were able to do that for me and what I always
say to everyone is most of us didn't get everything that we wanted from both of
our parents even if we had a great relationship with our dad maybe we had a
crappy one with our mom and she wasn't able to really be there for us or
vice-versa or maybe we had a good relationship with
both parents but there was something that was missing that you wanted from
your dad or from your mom doesn't mean they were a bad person but they weren't
able to always do this for you or maybe they did too much for you and they
enabled a lot of behavior so you're never gonna have a perfect parent so I
think a lot of learning how to self parent is not about saying well I didn't
have great parents so how can I do it for myself if I didn't have that this is
really about what did you want to get from them what did you want your mom to
say to you that she didn't say to you how did you want her to treat you that's
the only way to know how to parent yourself you don't need to have had
amazing parents that did everything right because that's I don't even think
that's even possible cuz we're human beings
and we're here to learn lessons I think it's more about learning yourself and
what do you need in order to self-soothe what are the things that you need to say
to yourself that are helpful and encouraging so what I do for myself is
probably not what you do for yourself right because everyone's different so
understanding what did she or what did she not give you that you wish she had
given you the next thing that was really helpful for me and I actually learned
this from Lisa Ramona and she's a youtuber as well she's a life coach
she's absolutely amazing and one of the things that she always says is it's not
you at your programming and that's really important so when you understand
that a lot of the negative stuff that's playing in your head it comes from a lot
of those relationships that you had with your parents because again they didn't
mirror back what they were supposed to they didn't teach you how to stay
connected to yourself they weren't able to sit in space for you so you weren't
able to learn how to do that for yourself so when that negative thought
comes you have to know that it's part of your programming like lisa says or it's
part of that wound that got triggered time and time again as you were growing
up and that I'm not enough story starts playing so when you know where your
thoughts come and come from and you know okay this negative thought is not me
I'm not going to attach to this thought because that's not who I am that's
coming from my wound itself that's coming from my ego you're able to
disassociate from these thoughts and not hold on to them because when we hold on
to those thoughts that's where suffering happens and so
learning how to monitor the thoughts that come through and not attached to
every single one that passes by you allows you to live a peaceful life a
happy life so the last thing towards healing this relationship is you have to
learn how to stand up to your parents and this doesn't mean that we stand up
to people and we tell people what we think and how we feel we've become angry
telling someone what you think and how you feel is you be being able to love
yourself to express to someone what it is that you need out of this
relationship and if someone can't respect boundaries then you
to alter that relationship that you have and you need to also alter your
expectations on who that person is and what they're capable of the biggest
takeaway from this video is you know healing with a parent can be really
difficult to do for some people and other people it happens a little bit
quicker they're able to accept a little faster but I think if you are an adult
and you are watching this video you're grown-up now so mommy didn't give you
what she needed but we can't constantly live in the past there's a wound that's
in you that was created possibly by her but you have to be able to know okay
this is where the wound is this is what it looks like and this is what I need to
do in order to heal it and you need to just like any wound you know if you have
a scar or a cut you have to clean it you have to wash it you have to put a
bandaid on it then you have to take the band-aid off after a couple days
possibly cleaning it clean it again like there's work that goes into healing and
so if you really want to heal this relationship it starts with accepting
her for who she is accepting that that was your past and working on creating a
better future for yourself and the only way you can do that is learning how to
have that relationship with yourself giving your things giving yourself the
things that you wish she would have given you that she should have given you
that would have allowed you to grow up and not be codependent and not have this
emotional wound just inside of you but that wasn't the case and so now it's up
to you to be able to heal those parts of yourself by yourself so thank you guys
so much I hope this video has helped you understand whether or not you did have a
narcissistic mother I hope that this has really given you some great tips on how
to heal that relationship and really heal that part of yourself don't forget
to give this video a thumbs up if you have enjoyed it and don't forget to hit
subscribe and the notification bell and I will see you next week