- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(upbeat music)
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't now what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Marc Maron.
- And I'm Stamps Dotcom. (Val sighing)
- Tonight down at Dino's Bar and Grill
when a kitchen accident during their half-priced
bananas fosters night resulted in a horrific blaze
that smelled absolutely incredible,
37 people were caramelized in total.
- Our condolences (laughs),
our condolences go out to their families
and our congratulations go out
to the giant whom descends upon the hills to eat people
because dessert is served, big fella.
In other news, that dog in Russia sent to space is back
and it turns out he's a big time asshole now.
- He's fine, he can talk now
and he thinks he's better than us.
The only thing stinkier than his breath
is his piss poor attitude
and scientists are having none of it.
You know I was always more of a cat person anyways.
What about you Marc?
- Well Stamps, I feel (laughs),
I feel nothing all the time.
I simply look at the faces of other people
and minor their, mirror their impressions.
I cannot do that with animals
because their face geometry is unlike my own,
and as such, I find them intensely frightening.
- Hmm. - Speaking of sports,
let's move on to our sports correspondent, Val Valentine.
- Is that me?
Thanks, Marc.
I'm here at the World Cup,
just absolutely slamming bottles
of Blue Raspberry Mad Dog 2020.
My teeth are blue.
The crowd is roaring and I told an usher
that I'll go jail before I go to my assigned seat.
- (laughs) Glad to hear hear it, DV.
Who's winning over there?
- England is currently up 17 hyphen zero over India,
in a thrashing so decisive it recalls years
of crushing imperialism.
- Ouch!
That's got to hurt.
- Well, no one likes to lose.
- Not that, our key grip was just crushed
by that falling light fixture.
- Sorry to hear that, Marc.
Is he doing the Looney Tunes thing
where he just is kind of a little puck of a man
with two shoes sticking out,
(laughing) waddling around the studio?
- He absolutely is
and it is nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be.
Any more sports, DV?
- Sure.
Baseball, tennis, there's lots.
- Good to know.
- A new development here is the studio,
it's on my leg.
It's a rash and it won't stop whispering to me.
- Oh, what's it saying Marc?
- I don't know, but the tongue sounds ancient.
- Ooh, not to interrupt,
but we've got some breaking news coming in.
We'll take you to our field correspondent in Borneo
where a huge discovery has just been made.
- Hello, this is Temple Grandin Junior
reporting live from Borneo.
Where biologists have discovered a brand new animal.
- Can you tell us a little about it?
- Well, first off, it's fucking awful.
Everyone hates it and we're all mad.
- How was it discovered?
- Well, the biologists were eating lunch,
when an absolute stench wafted out of a cave
and they were like, "What the fuck is that?"
At first they speculated it might be
some sort of rotting carcass
or a little pyramid made of turds,
a Poop (laughs), (Stamps laughing)
if you will.
But they decided to stop eating the one large plate
of spaghetti they were all sharing,
"Lady and the Tramp" style, and investigate.
And let me tell you, scientifically, it was a success,
but on a personal level, they all regret it deeply.
- So tell us about this little fella.
What's his name?
- Well, here's the rundown.
This new creature is two feet tall
and every inch of it smells like shit.
It pisses out of it's mouth
and poops out if it's sweat glands.
It's an absolute nightmare biologically
and hates humans.
The first thing it did was climb up one of the scientists,
pull out all of her hair and throw it in the river.
It's called a Grant and the entire team agrees
it's the worst animal yet.
- Well I think I know my family's next pet.
- Do not do that!
- I'll take one.
- Do you guys even listen to me when I'm talking?
- Stay safe out there, TG.
- What a guy.
I hope he lives forever.
- No one lives forever, Marc.
- Then why do I remember World War I.
- Well, that's all the time we have.
Before we go our loser of the week is me, Tao Yang.
Total dummy.
That's right, I am a total dumb ass.
- Can't believe you kept laughing.
- I did.
I can't not laugh at Poopamid.
- (laughs) Little hockey puck guy waddling around.
(reporters laughing)
- All righty with that.