hey there everybody and welcome to today's video that answers the question what is splitting
splitting means seeing someone which can include yourself as either all good or all bad
it's normal for young children to think in dichotomies like this because they don't
have the ability to see the exceptions Piaget talked about how they think concretely they
think in what in terms of what they can see and they think in terms of All or Nothing love
or hate safe or dangerous and when people experience traumas especially during this
cognitive phase they a lot of their beliefs may stick in terms that are all or nothing
splitting can also develop in adulthood if someone
experiences several similar traumatic events if they start to experience
for example abuse or Addiction in relationships and they experience it in multiple relationships
they might may start thinking that every relationship is like this so when they
start to see those behaviors come out in the next relationship they split they say oh I know what
to expect this is going to be all bad I'm out these memories that people form around traumas
form scripts that are supposed to help people anticipate and prevent harm you know none of us
wants to be in danger when the threat script is triggered in the present the person will often
switch from loving to hating because that has helped them stay safe in the past so when I'm
in a relationship with you if I've had traumatic prior relationships and you do something you may
not realize what it is and I may not even realize what it is and it triggers me then
I may switch from thinking that you're safe and loving to dangerous and hateful and there's no
middle ground unfortunately a lot of people who split also do the same thing for themselves if
they're doing things in a way that they perceive as good or okay then they're okay but as soon as
they make a mistake they see themselves as all bad and that can also be problematic recognizing
again where did this form where did this thought process come from and most of the time if you go
back in your past you'll find a situation in which when you didn't do exactly what you were supposed
to do it became a dangerous situation so you learned you internalized from those experiences
that you're lovable when you do everything right and you're awful when you make a mistake
splitting manifests in relationships as control and Chaos if I'm in control it's all good and
that can be if I'm in control of me it's all good and if I'm out of control or memories of being out
of control are triggered it's all bad and for a lot of people that split it's those memories
that come up those trauma memories that say Hey we've been in similar situations before it was
bad and you need to get out of here there's no thinking there's no time to evaluate the facts in
context it's fight or flight and it's important to recognize that as I said earlier it's important to
recognize that people may split within themselves seeing themselves as all good or all bad or they
can split in other relationships and that can feel very chaotic for somebody who's in in a
relationship with you and you split and they're like what did I do I have no idea what I did
many people who split as well as those who are in relationships with them may not even consciously
recognize what the trigger was something happened they got that feeling and we know trauma is sort
of programmed into the body into the nervous system so they got that feeling that oh crap
I'm not safe and that triggered the splitting that triggered the trauma response of your unsafe get
away this leads to the following from both parties so think about being in a relationship with
somebody who suddenly starts feeling unsafe and they disregulate that means they suddenly become
super angry or terrified they've split you're unsafe they don't feel safe you
know everything's spiraling right now so that person emotionally dysregulates and a lot of
times the non-splitting person may also get angry or frustrated because they're like what
did I do you know you're not being quote rational and that's only going to make the
person who's splitting feel more unsafe because you're invalidating their sense of unsafeness
um so it's really important to recognize that when someone splits it's not only emotionally
chaotic for them but it's emotionally chaotic for the person on the receiving end
there's often guilt from both parties the person who splits once they've had a chance to down
regulate which can take some time they may feel guilty for the intensity of their reaction or
for things that they said and the person who is the non-splitter may feel guilty for triggering
the splitting or may feel guilty for things they said or did in response to the person splitting
like you always do this I don't know why you're doing it I don't understand I can't deal with this
um which again those sorts of statements are going to make the person splitting feel even
more unsafe so there may be guilt on both parts in how they reacted and how they handled it
and then there's walking on eggshells and the person who splits may or may not walk on eggshells
they may down regulate again and start feeling like okay I'm safe everything's fine but they're
hyper Vigilant they're just constantly scanning for those threats and the person that they're in
their relationship with is starting to walk around going I have no idea what I did that triggered
them or what set them off or how to respond so I need to just try not to break any of these eggs
so what do you do about it splitting is a
trauma response splitting is a protective behavior and it's important to recognize that generally
it's a reaction to expected abandonment or harm or memories of that abandonment or harm if you
are in a relationship with somebody and you have that one facial expression that reminds them of a
facial expression that their abuser had then that could be triggering or if you sigh a certain way
sometimes the triggers can be extremely innocuous so it's important to not get too down in the weeds
about what specifically was it but recognized splitting is a trauma-related response designed
to help the person stay safe which tells you they don't feel safe so what do you do work to improve
awareness of how these behaviors developed to help you or to help them if you're working
with somebody who's splitting to help them stay safe start to understand where did this develop
what memories and traumas are they associated with that you may still feel unsafe about you
know when you experience a trauma sometimes you pack it up and you don't ever process it
so even though you recognize you're safe in the present there's a part of you that still holds
on to that Terror that you experienced so become aware of how these splitting behaviors developed
become aware of major triggers and vulnerabilities as I said you can't be aware of every trigger but
being aware of major triggers is important for example when you raise your voice it triggers
me because it reminds me of blah blah blah okay does that mean you can never raise your voice no
it's that's a human thing that you're going to do but being cognizant of it being considerate of it
um and trying not to is going to be important and vulnerabilities are things and a lot of this goes
back to linehan's work but vulnerabilities are things that make you more likely to
react strongly to situations more likely to feel scared so for example when I am in a
strange place I am more vulnerable to strong reactions than when I'm sitting
in my own bedroom when I am in big crowds I don't like big crowds I am more vulnerable
to a stronger stress response than other times recognizing this is really important
develop a safety plan and when you if you're the person who splits or they if if it's somebody
you're in a relationship with are triggered focus on safety and empowerment not proving how you're
safe not contradicting how the person who is splitting feels but recognizing and and the safety
plan basically asks the question when you start to feel unsafe when you start to split or dysregulate
what are three things that are helpful for people to do to help you stay safe and what
are three things that are unhelpful that people do when they're trying to help you stay safe
that way you don't do things that people often do that make the person feel even more unsafe
but it also gives you a toolbox to say okay you're feeling unsafe these are the things you've
identified help you feel safe so let's do those right now and one of those things maybe if you're
in a relationship with somebody who's splitting one of those things may be for you to leave
and they may need time by themselves to down regulate get into their wise mind and process
what's going on and that can feel really disempowering for you because you want to
stay and prove that you're safe but one of the best ways you can do that is by saying
I'm going to respect your boundaries and I'm going to leave for a little while the splitter
Howard to consider going to therapy and I have this in bold if you start telling somebody that
they're overreacting all the time and they need to go to therapy and you're saying something's
wrong with you and something is not wrong with them they develop these behaviors as a
result of trauma and these behaviors help them stay safe until now so something is not wrong
with them something causes that behavior to come out so we want to look at what's
causing this and help you process that but forcing them into therapy is all again it's
another thing that's going to make them feel powerless and rejected however therapy can be
a great place for people who split to explore the traumas and vulnerabilities that make them
likely to engage in those behaviors and identify strategies for change identify what they need to
do in order to help themselves feel safe and not automatically go to that trauma reaction
splitting as a defense mechanism designed to help a person stay safe
trying to convince someone who is split that you're safe is only confirming their
fears because you're invalidating their thoughts and feelings you're violating their boundaries
in the moment restoring a sense of safety and empowerment can include grounding distress
tolerance and radical acceptance this can be really helpful and it may be something
the person who's splitting wants you to do with them or it may be something that they need to do
in order to get into their wise mind and they'll call you later thank you very much once the person
is in their wise mind then they can be empowered to work on processing what happened in order to
make an informed choice so once they get into that wise mind then they can say all right I can think
clearly now let me consider the facts in context and decide was this a dangerous situation is this
a dangerous person or was I reacting to memories and traumas from my past these are not all the
tools obviously to address splitting but this question had come up several times on the channel
so I figured I'd give you a little bit of insight into what might be going on when splitting a curse