♫ inspirational music ♫ Every man in life has his own dragon to slay.
And this video is mine.
I've attempted to react to it... dozens of times and have never been able to match its pretentiousness.
I feel like today's the day.
So let's do this.
[Buttons can be heard popping open/out]
♫ Music is suddenly interrupted ♫ Cameron Carpenter, let's go.
Look at that! Look at the back of his head, dude!
He probably paid like a thousand dollars for that haircut.
He got it dressed. He got it hair-dressed by Vidal Sassoon.
"You got that check for a thousand? Okay, great. I'm gonna give you this edgy, new look, okay?"
"It's called 'a rat took a shit on the back of your head,' okay?"
"All right, great."
[ethan makes a swooning-like sound]
The music is so tense.
- "Go onto the next level and do something way more than I had done with any other instrument."
These glasses, those eyebrows, man, what do you say about that blouse, for Pete's sake?
What's going on here?
[laughs] That shot cracks me up.
Ah! Watch how fucking serious and dedicated I am!
Watch how fucking insecure and un-self aware I am!
What am I even lifting over my fucking head? Who's directing this thing, anyway?
♫ More inspirational music plays ♫
"There was never a decision to make a touring organ."
"There didn't have to be a decision. It was a conclusion."
Remember guys, there didn't have to be a decision to make an international touring organ, 'kay?
Obviously.
There didn't have to be made a decision, because it was a conclusion. 'kay?
Now, if you didn't understand that, let me ex- let me translate for you.
[dry heaving noises]
Look at his shirt, dude.
You know Cameron Carpenter doesn't use anything but Apple.
Let me see some of those more fine Apple products.
Is that a- is that a Air?
Is that a- is that a Macbook Air?
[pounds on the table]
Aren't those like five thousand dollars?
Oh, but it's such a good computer.
Honestly, if you're editing - if you're doing anything on sound or editing, you've gotta get a Macbook Air or you're just-
You're just not...
You're not treating yourself!
Honor Steve Jobs' memory, buy a fucking Mac, guys.
Listen, it's a Mac-
Is it- are you buying Macs,
or are you getting wacked?
Some people call it the [pronounced similarly to "Macbook Air"] Wackbook Error, you know, like E.R.R.O.R.
I don't.
He doesn't. It's not a Wackbook Error, it's a Macbook Air, 'kay? Get it right!
"...would free me from the strictures that the pipe organ through no fault of any single instrument still inevitably places on everyone who plays
Hang on, let me translate what he just said, if you didn't understand it:
[dry heaving and choking noises]
[dry cough]
[bashes the table]
"Taking the good things from all these pipe organs in terms of design and ideas"-
- "to an almost constant reminder of why the instrument has to be done"
"can't hear it"
(Mockingly) Can't hear it
Now, guys, if you need another translation of what he just said
here, let me, let me try to use interpretive art and translate for you.
Come here.
[loud noises as he destroys the sign]
[dry coughing]
[deep inhales and exhales]
[loud breathing]
Turn it off, please.
[more coughing and heavy breathing]
(Suddenly back to normal) Anyway, something like that.
Woahly shit! Fuckin' Geordi La F- what is this, Star Trek all of a sudden?
This guy's going light speed.
What happened did the Ferengi's just commit war on the federation, dude?
Woah!
Woaah!
No, seriously, look at these fucking pretentious sunglasses.
Have you ever in your life seen anything like that?
He's like an F5 tornado of pretentiousness.
♫ A loud distorted bass-heavy ambience plays over ♫
"You take the best stops and sounds from different organs, and put them into something that could never exist as any one physical pipe organ"
♫ Loud ambience silences ♫ And I gotta say, dude...
I kinda like him.
"...assemble them into a new character"
[clears cough]
look at that shot boi
Woooaaah, he's so
aaayyooooaah, woah!
So much edgy, it's like...
You can see why this video takes me so long to get through, cos it's like
Boom! Bom! Bom! Bom!
It's like
BOOM! Dude.
There's one pretentious shot that's like boom! I got - what can I say about this.
Two seconds later...
(In a higher-pitched voice) BOAAAM, dude!
Fuckin' knockout! I'm on the floor, man.
What can you say about this?
I got nothing, you know. Am-I'm-I'm-I'm speechless, okay.
And then- and then there's this.
So I got like... like... like... [exhales]
Look at this face, dude.
There he is with his other Apple product, and- and boy,
boy, have you ever seen there's someone on the phone before?
That's a face I make on the phone a lot, huh.
(Speaking as if he's on the phone) Hey Hila... Yeah you comin' home?
Okay great
No I'm fine, I'm just having a minor stroke here so my face appears to be stuck.
Yeah, you better call the- actually, yeah, you better call 911.
Okay, love you, bye.
"What was purple is gonna be yellow, and then the yellow one's gonna be..."
Hang on. Did he just say what's purple's gonna be yellow?
I didn't know that was possible!
Hila, is that possible? To make purple yellow?
Cos' I didn't think that was previously possible until now.
"...easily one of the top ten consoles in the world... Gotta be."
[laughs] (Mockingly) Easily one of the top ten consoles in the world.
It's gotta be.
Cos' you all know.
You're all familiar with these consoles.
Eeeeaaasily one of the top ten consoles in the world.
Gotta be.
Get in there. Get in there, Cameron.
Let's show us what you got!
Oooh, nice spread.
You see how he spread his legs there?
Very impressive spread!
I wonder if he does yoga, look at this spread.
(Screams) Woooooooh!
Do I spread like that Hila? Do I got it?
(Hila) Naah.
Nah, I ain't got it.
You know what that is?
That's one of the best spreads in the world.
Top ten.
Gotta be.
Oh, look at this!
I mean- I mean this is another example of why I've had so much trouble
making this video.
Look at this!
He's strutting down the street in a mesh see-through shirt,
in the middle of fucking traffic, causing a traffic hazard,
and he's just gliding through like it's the fucking Matrix.
Like it's his world to behold.
♫ Weird deep music coming from the video ♫
I mean how- I mean what?
[exhale] come on...
"God,"
"What an amazing moment."
"It's daunting"
"It's... A little scary, but at the same time"
"I have my weaponry"
♫ Loud out-of-tune organ music plays over ♫ [dry heaving and coughing]
(Replay from earlier) Turn it off, please.
♫ Music is much quieter now ♫ "...but that's what this is all about."
(Replay from earlier) Anyway, something like that.
(Outro) ♫ A beat plays in the background, which Ethan freestyles over ♫