MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE CREATOR, WRITER, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER AND
STAR OF "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER" ON COMEDY CENTRAL, AND THE WRITER
AND STAR OF THIS SUMMER'S HIT, "TRAINWRECK."
PLEASE WELCOME AMY SCHUMER.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING
HERE.
>> IT'S LIKE BEING IN NEW ORLEANS.
THANK YOU, I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
THOSE ARE YOUR PAJAMAS?
>> YEAH, I'M SO COZY.
>> Stephen: YOU SLEEP AS A SEXY GANGSTER?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT IS CORRECT.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU PHYSICALLY WAS IN
FEBRUARY, I THINK, THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.
SINCE THEN YOU BLOWED UP, YOU GOT THE "TRAINWRECK" YOU GOT A
PEABODY AWARD FOR "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER."
YOU'RE ON THE COVER OF "GX MAGAZINE."
>> THERE SHE IS.
>> Stephen: UNTIL YOU WERE SUPPLANTED BY ME.
I WAS GOING TO GO FOR "STAR WARS" THEME.
>> YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED?
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU STOLE IT.
YOU TOOK IT FIRST.
I WAS GOING TO DO JAVA THE HUT BECAUSE I GOT MUFFIN TOP FOR
DAYS, BABY.
MEANWHILE, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
THEY DIDN'T ASK YOU TO WEAR A LEATHER BRA?
>> Stephen: "ASK" IS NOT THE WORD I WOULD DO.
THE LAST TIME WE SAW EACH OTHER WAS THE GLAMOROUS WOMAN OF THE
YEAR AWARD.
>> YOU ARE SUCH A GLAMOROUS WOMAN.
>> Stephen: I TRY TO BE.
>> THAT NIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED --
HAPPENED-- I DO.
YOU TOLD THE STORY.
>> I TOOK KATIE COURIC'S PHONE AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, VERY DRUNK
-- >> YOU WERE HAPPY.
YOU WERE GLAMOROUS.
>> I WAS GLAMOROUS, AND I TEXTED HER HUSBAND THAT SHE WANTED TO
HAVE ANAL THAT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES.
>> HOW DO WE KNOW THAT SHE DIDN'T!
AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT, BUT YOU -- >> THE SCIENCE ISN'T IN YET,
AMY.
>> YOU WERE AN ACCOMPLICE.
>> Stephen: I ENJOYED IT.
I ENJOYED IT ENORMOUSLY.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE MOMENTS OF MY
LIFE WHEN SHE LEFT THE TABLE AND YOU PICKED UP HER PHONE AND DID
THAT.
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER ) I EXPECTED BETTER FROM ME.
I THOUGHT -- >> WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?
WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?
SAY, "KATY, ONE SECOND BUFFER LEAVE AMY SCHUMER USED YOUR
PHONE AND TEXTED YOUR HUSBAND AND SAID 'I WANT TO HAVE ANAL
TONIGHT'."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I WASN'T ACTUALLY THERE.
>> YOU WERE GALLIVANTING WITH BRUCE WILLIS.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER ONE OF THE GLAMOROUS WOMEN OF THE YEAR.
ANYWAY-- >> ANYWHO.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE FUN TO HANG OUT.
YOU HANG OUT WITH LOT OF FUN PEOPLE, YOU'RE OPENING FOR
MADONNA.
YOU'RE HANGING OUT-- NOW YOU'RE LIKE BFFs WITH JLAW.
>> I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE FRIENDS WITH
THE HOTTEST POSSIBLE VERSION OF MYSELF.
YOU KNOW?
I JUST SIT ACROSS FROM HER HAVING COFFEE, "I COULD HAVE
BEEN LIKE THAT."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO-- WE HAVE JAKE GYLLENHAAL COMING ON NEXT
WEEK-- >> I HEARD, JAKE-JAKE!
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE MET HIM ONCE.
I HAVE NO RIGHT.
I HAVE NO RIGHT, NO RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE WILL NOW CALL HIM THAT.
>> JAKE-JAKE!
>> Stephen: YOU LIVED IN HIS HOUSE, I UNDERSTAND.
>> SHUT UP!
>> Stephen: DID HE NOT KNOW?
>> NO PERMISSION.
YEAH, I HAD NEVER MET HIM BUT HE WAS REPRESENTING OUT HIS
TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT, AND MY SISTER AND I NEEDED TO GET A
PLACE TOGETHER -- >> SO YOU GO, "JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S
PLACE."
THAT'S HOW YOU LIVE NOW?
>> THAT'S HOW I DO.
THAT'S HOW I DO.
IT WASN'T THAT EXPENSIVE.
YOU KNOW I'M NOT RICH YET.
>> Stephen: COME ON!
>> I HAVE A WALK-UP.
LOOK AT THIS BUTT.
LOOK AT THIS.
THAT'S A BALK-UP.
THAT'S A WALK-UP.
WALK UP.
IT'S, LIKE, A VERY DISAPPOINTING ASS, AND I REGRET DOING THAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, I WAS NOT--
>> I HAVE NO ASS PRIDE.
>> Stephen: IT EXCEEDED ME EXPECTATIONS IN EVERY WAY.
>> I WENT THROUGH ALL OF JAKE'S STUFF.
OF COURSE, I DID.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> Stephen: LIKE THE MEDICINE CABINET.
>> EVERYTHING!
>> Stephen: ANY CHOCOLATES FOR DADDY?
>> NO, HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE.
THE ONE THING HE DID LEAVE BECAUSE HE GUTTED THE PLACE, HE
LEFT A FROZEN CAKE IN HIS FREEZER.
IT WAS VERY OLD-- >> Stephen: THE CAKE WAS OLD?
>> IT WAS AN OLD, FROZEN CAKE, AND I WOULD GET DRUNK AND I
WOULD EAT IT, AND I WOULD TALK AS IF HE WAS THERE AND I WAS AT
THE PARTY THAT THE CAKE WAS SERVED AT.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT, AND MY SISTER --
>> WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M HAVING TROUBLE IMAGINING THAT?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE IT.
WE HAVE EYE CLIP.
IT SAYS, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY.
AND YOU'RE DATING JAKE GYLLENHAAL, BUT I AM LIVING
HERE, AND I AM EATING THIS.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU ARE A PRINCESS.
YES, I AM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, WE CAN.
I AM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU!
I'M LIVING A GREAT LIFE.
>> Stephen: YOU-- YOU REALLY ARE GLAMOROUS.
>> TAKE THAT, HASSELHOFF.
>> Stephen: YOUR HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE, YOU SAID YOU WERE
PROBABLY A HANDFUL.
YOU WERE PROBABLY A MONSTER IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> I WAS A TEACHER'S WORST NIGHTMARE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY TEACHERS OUT THERE-- I WAS, TOO.
>> YOU WERE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE.
>> Stephen: I WASN'T SAYING I WASN'T NICE.
I NEVER DID ANY WORK, I JUST PHONED IT IN.
>> YOU'RE A ROLE MODEL.
>> Stephen: AM I?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE, AND
IS MORE THAN HALF THE PLANET.
>> DID YOU HEAR THE SADDEST LITTLE APPLAUSE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
THOSE ARE-- >> WOMEN-- OH...
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S JUST TOO SAD.
>> WAGE GAP.
NO PAID PREGNANCY LEAVE.
LIKE EVERYONE JUST REMEMBERS WHEN IT'S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY TEACH EARS ARE THERE TEACHERS IN
HIGH SCHOOL WOULD YOU'D TO SAY, "I'M SORRY" TO?
>> OH, SURE.
SHOULD I ADDRESS THEM?
>> Stephen: I'LL DO ONE-- >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GUEST, YOU DO ONE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OKAY, I'M SORRY, MR. BRESKY, BUSINESS LAW TEACHER, BUT I WAS
NOT INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT BUSINESS LAW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S WHY I OFTEN FOUND
EXCUSES TO LEAVE, LIKE, ONE, TELL YOU THAT I HAD MY PERIOD.
AND, TWO, TELLING YOU WHEN A BEE BLEW IN THE ROOM I WAS ALLERGIC
TO THEM AND I HAD TO LEAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) MR. BRESKY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: PLEASE, ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.
>> I'M SO SORRY!
SORRY!
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL DO ONE.
THIS IS MR. HUTO, BEN HUTO, WHO WAS MY CHOIR TEACHER.
S AND I WAS A BIT OF A TROUBLED KID.
I REMEMBER HIM WHEN I WAS A JUNIOR IN IT HIGH SCHOOL, HIM
SAYING, "I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE WHEN I WAS A JUNIOR IN HIGH
SCHOOL, YOU ACTUALLY TOOK ME ASIDE AND SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU
EVER STUDY OR TRY TO CUT OUT OF EVERY CLASS YOU'RE IN AND YOU
WON'T RESPOND TO ANY TEACHERS WHO TRY TO HELP YOU?"
AND I SAID, "YOUR JOB IS TO TEACH ME TO SING AND THAT IS
IT."
>> WHOA!
>> Stephen: I WALKED OUT OF HIS OFFICE.
>> YOU'RE DARK!
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
>> THAT IS DARK!
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
->> -- APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS TERRIBLE AND I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP
ME.
>> DO YOU LOVE HIM?
>> Stephen: UNFORTUNATELY, IT DIDN'T WORK.
I ENDED UP DOING THIS FOR A LIVING ANYWAY.
>> YOU LOVED MR. HUTO.
>> Stephen: I DO LOVE MR. HUTO.
YEAH.
>> MR. BRESKY, WE'RE FINE.
>> Stephen: AMY SCHUMER, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU.