(crowd applauds)
- Aaaaaaah
Thank you very much.
Welcome to live at the Apollo
(audience applauds)
and Merry Christmas.
Oh Christmas,
Christmas is a lovely time for families, isn't it?
I took uh, I took my mom shopping.
My mom's in a wheelchair.
We went into a department store.
I went to the disabled toilet within the department store
and my mam did a wee.
I thought, well, I mean, I'll have a quick wee as well
but I knew I needed to fart
at the same time.
Toilet was on a very busy thoroughfare.
A lot of people going past that door.
So I said to my mama, I said, "Do us a favour, mom"
She said, "What?"
I said, "Clap!"
I don't know why I said that.
I think I thought the noise would drown it out.
So I am very comfortable with applause.
This is my job after all.
So she did, she went like this.
She did one.
This is how good your timing is mom?
The problem we had is that
when she clapped the lights went off.
Well, luckily I did a big loud fart
and they came back on again.
(crowd laughs)
I've got uh, one sister.
Just the two of us.
My sister is six years older than me.
When she was a teenager,
she used to talk very slang by Geordie Slang.
My mom didn't like it.
So my mom would correct her.
And me being the little shitty sister,
I would help.
So if my sister said, " I'm ganut."
My mom would correct her and say, "I'm going out."
My sister would have to repeat, "I'm going out"
before she was allowed to go out.
And I'd just be standing
beside them both saying, "I'm going out"
like the asshole that I was.
This time my sister was really ill,
she had a really bad finger.
She went to hospital with my mom,
they came back in from A&E.
And I said to my sister,
"What's the matter with your finger then?"
And she said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene."
And I genuinely said, "Going green?"
And I probably thought a medical doctor had gone,
"That's gangrene, then its going gangrun
then its gonna fall off."
We've got a little dog,
he's adorable.
He's a rescue dog,
he's very sweet.
He does bark at all other dogs,
that's the one problem we have with him.
He will bark at all other dogs.
But I just use the fact that he's a rescue,
if that comes up.
So say I'm out walking him
and he barks at another dog.
Oh, the owner will look at me like, control your dog.
And I'll just turn to her,
and I'll say, "I'm really sorry,
but he's a rescue."
And then she'll turn to me
and she'll say, "I'm so sorry for what he's been through."
And the truth is, his owner died and we got him.
That's what he's been through.
You can't do that with blokes, can you?
(audience laughs)
Two blokes fighting in a pub, you can't go,
"I'm really sorry.
But he's a rescue
I just found him once in Debenhams on his own.
We checked and he's not married,
cause he hasn't been chipped."
The dog hurt his paw a few months ago.
Hurt his paw so I rang the vet.
It was out of hours
but went straight through to the vet herself.
She said, "What's the problem?"
I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."
She said, "Which paw?"
And I said, "It's his left hand."
She said " His what?"
I said, "His left hand."
She said, "Do you mean his fore leg?"
I said, "I don't know.
I didn't go to university like you did, flower.
so to me, it's his left hand!"
I know what you're thinking,
you think I humanise the dog.
I know, that's what you're thinking.
Shut up, I don't
I don't humanise him, I don't.
So I took his little waist coat off
and I took him to the vet.
(crowd laughs)
Bandaged up when I brought him home,
My husband was working away at the time
and I thought I should probably ring him
let him know what's going on. So I did.
And I said... my husband said, "What's the matter?"
I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."
My husband said, "Which paw?"
And I thought, what's the fascination with which paw?
It's not like it's the one he writes with.
I said it was his left hand.
And my husband said, "His what?"
I said, "His left hand."
He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side."
(crowd applause)
The dog sleeps downstairs, his choice,
he sleeps on the sofa,
and then in the morning
when he wakes up, he comes up to our bedroom.
And every single day he asks permission to get on the bed.
He pats the side of the bed with both hands, hands.
And I wake up and go,
"Go on then." And he jumps up on the bed
and sort of little spoons me, kind of lies here like this.
It's very sweet. We all fall back to sleep again
for another half an hour, its adorable
The other day though, having fallen back to sleep again,
I woke up because he was growling
and I thought what's he growling at,
what's going on here?
What had happened,
because they're sort of loose in the night,
one of my boobs had landed on his head.
(audience laughs)
The dog is very little,
my tits are not.
Poor little bugger,
he's lucky he didn't get caught between them, he'd be dead.
I do...I like to break up the board games this time of year.
I, not long ago, I played a game
of Jenga with some friends
and a couple of days after that was talking to my dad
on the phone. I thought I'd tell him about it.
And then I thought, I don't know if my dad knows
what Jenga is in his 70s.
I don't know when it first became popular.
So I thought I'll ask him.
So I said, " Dad, do you know what Jenga is?"
And he said, "Yeah, like sex."
(crowd laughs)
I said, "Jenga."
He said, "Sex."
I had so many questions
and I didn't want any of the answers.
And I was like,
"Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?"
And he said, "Yeah, gender."
And I was like Thank Christ for that.
I had a horrible idea that
that's what he and my mom called it.
He tried to pull himself out
without toppling her over.
Some few months ago, I went for a bra fitting
give us a "whoo" if you've ever been to a bra fitting.
(crowd whoos)
Give us a "whoo" if you did not enjoy it.
(crowd whoos)
Exactly the same people again.
It's quite an odd experience, isn't it?
I've been touring,
and asking the women in my audiences
what they didn't like about their bra fitting.
And one lady shouted out, "cold hands."
That's when she said, "I didn't like the cold hands.
And I get it because they have to touch you at various times
and cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch.
But I had to think about it.
I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
Warm hands imply to me
that they've been doing this.
'Ooooh, Sheila come see me 10 o'clock,
I cannot wait'
Another lady shouts out,
I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?"
And she said, "I was embarrassed."
And I said, "Of course it's embarrassing flower."
But I said, "Was the one moment
that was worse than the rest?"
She said, "Oh yes.
When I took my bra off,
two bits of popcorn fell out."
(crowd laughs)
And one lady shouted out
that she thought there were too many mirrors.
And I get that.
And I think there are too many mirrors in those cubicles
Because when I went from mine, the lady said to me,
"And would you like to look at the back of the bra?"
And I thought, no.
And then I thought,
I wonder if I'm missing out on some thing.
So I had a look.
Turns out I've got back tits as well.
I didn't know about those,
thanks for pointing them out, you cow.
I'm surprised she didn't try and sell me a bra
for the back ones and all.
But I'll tell you what happened to me
So every now and again,
I have to have a photo shoot.
Now I hate photo shoots.
I have really bad body image issues.
So a photo shoot for somebody like me is a nightmare
but some times they are unavoidable.
And I had two in this space of a fortnight,
one for the cover of my book
and one for the poster for my tour.
And I had a lady
who was helping me pick some clothes
for the photo shoot.
And I said to her, "Look, I don't have the time
and the inclination to lose any weight."
But I said, "Could you recommend anything
that might make me look a bit better?"
And she said, "Go for a bra fitting."
And she said, "A properly fitted bra,
will knock pounds off you."
And I said, "How many bras could I wear?"
Front tits, back tits,
ass cheeks maybe?
I don't know.
The place she recommended to me
was until about three months ago,
known as The Queen's bra fitter.
Which I find quite an odd boast, don't you?
Oh, we do the Queen's bras
We do the Queens bras.
Yeah. I find that such an odd boast.
I've never once watched Trooping the Colour on the telly
and thought, Oh, I wish I had tits like hers.
I made an appointment at the place she recommended,
I went alone to the appointment.
I went into the cubicle
with the lady I'd made the appointment with
and I took off my top
and I had my best bra on,
you always wear your best one, don't you? I'd my best bra.
And that's what I said to the lady.
I said, "This is my best fitting bra.
And she went like this.
She said, "That's what everyone says."
I said, "Well, maybe that's what everyone means."
Like we didn't hit it off at all.
It was eggy from the get-go.
She said, "What we need to do with those two?"
Those two?
Like they're separate from my person
What we need to do to those two,
is lift and separate.
lift and separate.
I said, "Well, don't separate them too much.
Cause that's what it looks like
when I'm in bed."
(crowd laughs)
The way she was talking, it sounded like she wanted them
to look like a travel pillow.
She gave me a bra to try on.
And I said, "Well, would you mind stepping
out of the cubicle while I put on the bra
and then when I've got it on, I'll shout you back in."
She looked utterly perplexed at this.
She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years."
I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years."
And then I thought,
showing my boobs to strangers, probably a good 25.
But I didn't wanna add it to my list,
my list of people that have seen my tits.
There's not that many people on my list.
Just a handful of blokes
and a window cleaner once, by accident.
We got a bra that fit
and she tightened up the straps
cause I had them on comfy setting,
you know where they just sort of graze your belly.
Oh, I love that. Thank God I've got a belly,
otherwise it'd hit the deck.
She tightened up the straps
to where they're supposed to be.
And then she put one finger
under the strap of the top.
she put one finger
and she said, this is the rule.
It's supposed to be able
to only get one finger under the strap.
And then she looked at me for a response.
I don't know why I said the following,
but when she said one finger, that's the rule.
one finger.
I said, "Oh, that's interesting.
Cause it's two for a dog's collar."
Why the fuck did I say that?
And to make it worse, I then said,
"Are you trying to stop me
from losing my boobs in the park?"
Why am I still talking?
Shut up!
Well, there was one lady and I asked her
why didn't you like your bra fitting?
And she was an older lady.
And she said, "When I took my bra off,
my boobs went down like that,
so they just measured my waist."
Another lady said, "I didn't like it
cause I didn't know the etiquette
and I took my bra off too early."
Was she still on the bloody bus?
(audience laughs)
I was in uh,
I was in hospital last Christmas,
not for very long, not for anything serious.
They gave me one of those gowns.
You know that doesn't quite shut at the back.
And then she said,
"The next thing we need from you is a urine sample."
Give us a 'whoo' if you've ever given a urine sample
(crowd cheers) Give us a 'whoo' those of us who are women
(women cheer)
It's tricky isn't it?
It's tricky.
She gave me a bottle with a neck like that.
And I thought, well I'll wait till she brings the funnel.
No funnel came
And I thought, how am I supposed to hit that
with my twin jets?
(audience applauds)
Now, I don't wanna tell you too much about me,
down there.
Suffice to say it's not a 70s bush by any means.
And it's also not child bald.
Put it this way,
there's just enough hair to put a paedophile off.
Still made this quite tricky.
So I put it in position,
I start my way, wee came out of a different area.
I stop my way and moved it to the area.
I started my way again and wee came off
out of a third area
It was like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.
(crowd laughs)
I felt like I was on The Cube.
And then she said,
"The next thing we need to know is
what size you want for the DVT?
Tighten it.
The sort of stockings you put on after you've had surgery.
I said, okay.
She came along with a variety of sizes.
She said, "We'll start with a size small."
And I thought, somebody's got time to kill.
But I tried the small and then they fit.
I'm a small, in hospital.
I must have had such an odd expression on my face.
She said, "Are you all right?"
And I just went, " Why aren't you a shop?"
And then she gave me the paper knickers they make you wear
My husband said, "I find them quite sexy."
I said, "Do you? Why?"
He said, "I think I could rip them off."
Just so you know, if you do a fart in them,
same thing happens.
(crowd cheers)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show called Bobby Dazzler
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to Sarahmillican.co.uk
Thanks.