-You guys, the one-and-only Reese Witherspoon
is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Her new Apple TV+ show comes out on Friday.
Between that and Halloween, it's a huge week for Reeses.
-Oh.
-That's right, Halloween is just two days away,
and NASA says the Hubble Telescope spotted
a pair of galaxies that look like a spooky face.
Take a look at this. Ooh! See that?
They've already come up with a name for the formation --
Rudy Giuliani.
Well, Halloween is almost here, and people everywhere --
-Hey, Jimmy.
Sorry to interrupt, but, yes, I'll do it.
-You'll do what? -The song.
I mean, Halloween is the biggest weekend of the year for me.
You do want to hear my hit song, "Full-Sized Bars," right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I've actually -- I've never heard of
that song or you, actually.
-Hit the track. Can you hold this?
♪♪
-♪ Every neighborhood has got that one cool house ♪
♪ That does Halloween right ♪
♪ They never give out raisins or licorice ♪
♪ And they don't mess with fun size ♪
♪ They give out full-sized bars ♪
♪ They give you a full-sized bar ♪
♪ Feeling like I went on "Oprah" and she gave me a car ♪
♪ With your full-sized bars ♪
♪ Thanks for the full-sized bar ♪
♪ They got the full-sized bars ♪
-You stopped playing the keyboard.
-♪ And I'll make sure no teenagers ever T.P. your yard ♪
♪ 'Cause of full-sized bars ♪
Thank you. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
This is for you. -Thank you.
-I'm off to Madison Square Garden now.
-You're doing Madison Square Garden?
-No, I have tickets to Bob Seger.
I'll catch you later. -Here, take this with you.
-No, that's yours, too. That's yours.
Good night. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Eight bars. -We just let that dude in here.
Yeah.
"Full-sized bars." What is he talking about?
Let's get to some news here.
The big story -- Who was that guy?
I didn't even get his name. -I don't know.
-Let's get to some news.
The big story in Washington is -- this morning,
an Army officer gave first-hand testimony
about Trump's call with Ukraine.
The officer's name is Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman,
and he's an Iraq War veteran.
He has a Purple Heart and he has a Harvard degree.
Or, as Trump put it, "Who are you going to believe?
Him or me?"
In his testimony,
Vindman confirmed the whistleblower's report,
and now a lot of people think the walls
are starting to close in on Trump.
In response, trump was like, "How could you do this to me,
walls, after all we've been through?
Come on, walls."
I guess I... [ Cheers and applause ]
♪ Full-sized bars ♪
♪ You get a full-sized bars ♪
♪ And na-na-na-na, na-na ♪
♪ Full-sized bars ♪
Pretty good song. I like it.
I'm starting to like it.
I read that Trump is expected to headline a Republican fundraiser
at Disney World in December.
Yep, the plan is for Trump to visit The Hall of Presidents,
switch places with the robot, and let him get impeached.
-Oh. -That's right.
Trump is going to Disney World.
He's even going to go to Epcot
and ask every country for dirt on Joe Biden.
Trump's going to go from getting booed at the World Series
to getting booed by Donald Duck.
[ As Donald Duck ] Lock him up! Lock him up!
-That's what he'd say.
-Lock him up! Lock him up!
-Where's that guy? Is he still around?
Where's that singer guy?
-I think he's visiting a full-sized bar right now.
-He's left -- Oh, an actual -- -Yeah, an actual full-sized bar.
-Yeah, I smelled a little whiskey on him or something.
Yeah. Finally, I saw that Walgreens is opening up
100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores.
That's pretty cruel, making people walk through
an aisle full of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.