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- The pandemic turned our entire lives upside down,
but it particularly affected our relationships,
whether we were single or partnered.
The pandemic really forced us to rethink everything
about our love lives.
That's why today I'm chatting with Meredith Goldstein,
a love expert who is the host of the "Love Letters" podcast
by "The Boston Globe,"
to chat about how love and relationships will evolve
in the post-pandemic world.
I'm Liz Segran,
a senior staff writer here at "Fast Company."
We all want to be the best versions of ourselves,
and that's why I come to you every week with recommendations
that will make your life happier, healthier,
and more meaningful.
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So, Meredith, you are a love expert,
and I'm so excited to be talking to you today.
Tell us a little bit about
when you first started writing about love.
- Well, I certainly wasn't a love expert
when I first started,
but I started about 12 years ago with an advice column.
And even before then,
I was always interested in writing about trends
in dating and marriage and divorce and relationships.
So for a long time now,
I have just been following other people's love lives.
- Well, that's actually really interesting
because I would love to hear what trends you saw
as we went into the pandemic
as far as dating and relationships went.
- Well, interestingly enough,
people were just so tired of dating before the pandemic.
There was a lot of dating fatigue specifically.
So people would tell me,
"Oh, I'm so sick of being on the apps."
And then all of a sudden they couldn't be on the apps,
or if they were, it was just very passively.
So I think I saw people actually taking a moment,
taking a beat to take stock of what they really wanted.
I also think it escalated relationships pretty quickly.
If you had had three dates with someone at that point,
you had to decide, is this person in my pod, in my bubble?
So a lot of people were forced to make much larger decisions
about possible partners
than they would have in normal times.
So it's really brought people to a place
of truth with themselves very quickly.
- So I think an interesting question is
as we move back to normalcy,
and we hope that that's gonna happen relatively soon,
what aspects of pandemic dating do you think will stay on,
and what things are just gonna sort of disappear?
- Well, I do think there's gonna be this incredible freedom
in coming back into the world,
and that honesty, I think, is what's gonna remain,
people saying, "Here's what I want.
I find you attractive.
We're in a bar 'cause we're allowed to be,
so I'm just gonna say it."
I think there's gonna be a real sense of freedom
and seizing the day,
and that is both exciting and deeply scary, (laughs)
I think in some ways.
I think it'll be wonderful,
but I think that there's gonna be a level of transparency
that perhaps there never was.
And I also think that talking about COVID itself
gave people a new experience talking
about uncomfortable things.
"Have you been tested? Are you seeing other people?"
I think the transparency is gonna remain,
just people saying what they want
and saying what they want quickly
instead of all these talking around desires,
like, "I am looking for a partner.
I am not looking for something casual,"
or "I am looking for something casual."
All of a sudden,
people who could have very surface conversations had
to go a bit deeper than that.
So I hope, it is my hope that these deeper conversations
and the transparency remain.
So to break this down specifically based
on different types of relationships,
if you have been partnered, like me.
I'm married, and I have been, I would say, stuck (laughs)
in a very small space with my lovely husband and my child.
What tips would you have for people
who have really spent a lot of time together
and have seen each other at their best
and at their worst over the last year?
What can we be doing now to transition into this new normal?
- The first thing is no one should be offended
by someone who needs alone time.
If a spouse or a partner says to you,
"You know what, I would like to take a week away on my own,"
please, it's not about you.
It's just about them,
and it's just about having the moment to do that.
I think also this is a really good moment
to thank each other, to say,
"Wow, maybe I was upset about certain things you did
during the year, but now I'm gonna take a moment
to realize all that you did do."
And I'm sure there have been a lot of missing thank yous
in the last 12 months, so this is a really good time
to acknowledge them and give them.
- Single folks who have dealt with this,
as we mentioned before,
it's been a strange period of dating.
Everything has slowed down.
I imagine that there are a lot of anxieties going back
into the fast-paced world of online dating again
where I'm sure some people
are just gonna be completely throwing themselves
into the deep end and wanting to have a lot of sex.
How do single people prepare
for this crazy period we're about to see?
- The first thing is don't go back into that dating fatigue.
If it was causing you grief and misery,
don't do anything that's not fun, right?
Keep the pace slow, unless the fast part is fun for you.
I would also say don't apocalypse date.
That's what I'm sort of calling this idea
that what if this happens,
what if we're in lockdown again, right,
this if there is a feeling of desperation for a partner
because of what you've experienced.
That shouldn't be the case.
There is nothing that should make you rush.
And the one thing I would also say is keep the Zoom dating.
A lot of people have had incredibly successful courtships
on FaceTime and Zoom
where they were better at getting to know someone
with one or two first dates online
and then having that first drink.
So sometimes it makes it easier
to skip the bad dates you would've had before
when you get to have those bad dates
in the privacy of your own home.
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- Now for the third category,
there are some people who were really fortunate
because they found love during the pandemic,
but obviously things are gonna change a lot for them
when life goes back to normal.
So for those couples, what would you advise them to do
as they return to normalcy for their best chance
of preserving that relationship?
- So for couples who have fallen in love in isolation,
I think there are a few things they can do.
One, take baby steps.
Maybe going to a family cookout
with 45 people isn't the first thing to do
once you leave the house.
Maybe it's one friend at a time.
The second thing I'd say is remember it's a restart
in some ways.
You may have been with someone for eight months,
but this is still brand new.
That means if it's frustrating,
if it feels like it's not working,
if it feels like a mismatch, give it a moment.
Don't feel this pressure
that it should work as well outside of the house
as it did inside of the house.
Some of these relationships won't be meant to be
outside of a pandemic.
Many of them will be,
but it's gonna take some adjustment time.
So don't be frustrated.
(upbeat music)
- Many of us experienced hard-learned lessons
as we dealt with relationships during the pandemic,
and it would be a shame
to let some of those lessons go to waste.
And I, for one, want to bring some of those lessons with me
as we all transition into the next phase of our lives.