-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much. Welcome.
Well, guys, everyone's talking about this.
Today, the nominations were announced
for the 95th Academy Awards.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Leading the way with 11 nominations is the movie
"Everything Everywhere All at Once."
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's a film about all the places
they found President Biden's classified documents.
[ Laughter ]
Lady Gaga and Rihanna were nominated
for Best Original Song, but Taylor Swift was snubbed.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
On the bright side, the album Taylor writes about
being snubbed at the Oscars will probably win all the Grammys.
[ Laughter ]
But this is cool -- Guillermo del Toro's "Pinocchio"
picked up two nominations. Yep. Best --
[ Applause ]
Best Animated Film
and Best Documentary About George Santos.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Some political news -- you're not gonna believe this,
but a dozen classified documents were just found
at Mike Pence's house in Indiana.
The craziest part about these documents that were found,
they were found stuffed between a dozen Wu-Tang albums.
[ Laughter ]
When the news broke, Pence was so embarrassed he turned clear.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, Pence brought the documents home
when he blacked out during a 3:00 a.m. milk binge.
[ Laughter ]
These are crazy times. Right now, Walgreen's has
deodorant behind a locked case while classified documents
are laying around like J.Crew catalogues all over the house.
"This one's from 2015." [ Laughter ]
And get this -- Donald Trump Jr. posted a video on Facebook
where he weighed in on all these classified documents
being found, and once again, he used a lot of air quotes.
[ Laughter ] Watch this.
-Just so we understand the level of hypocrisy
and ridiculousness -- "a shared desire to keep quiet.
Early on, Biden's attorneys and Justice Department
investigators both thought they had a shared understanding
about keeping the matter quiet.
But they had very different reasons."
[ Laughter ]
-Even Thing from "Wednesday" was like, "Calm down, dude."
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- the former C.E.O. of Dollar General
is going to be the new C.E.O. of Dollar Tree.
[ Laughter ]
I have a feeling he's not even gonna bother telling his family
he switched jobs. [ Laughter ]
You know, he's like, "What's the point?"
-Dollar General? -Yeah, it's basically the same.
[ Laughter ]
Some more business news -- I heard that mattress maker
Serta Simmons just filed for bankruptcy.
The head of the company is like, "It's not about the money,
it's about the memory foam we made along the way."
[ Laughter ]
Some TV news -- last night was the season premiere
of "The Bachelor." That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep. 30 women are trying to win
the heart of one man, and so far, I gotta say
my favorite contestants are Kaity, Katherine, Kimberly,
Cara, and Cat. [ Laughter ]
One more time, that's Katherine, Kaity, Cara, Kimberly, and Cat.
[ Laughter ]
Again, that's Kaia, Kayla, Kerry, Ke$ha, and Cat.
[ Laughter ]
Just so we're clear, that's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe,
Kendall, and Cat. [ Laughter ]
In case you're not getting it, there's Kimbly, Cobbly,
Keychain, Kaching, and Cat. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, one last time, that's Keh, Kuh, Kep, Kur,
and Keh-Heh-Heh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. "The Bachelor" is back.
Last night's episode was the one where all the contestants arrive
in the limo to meet the Bachelor for the first time.
Well, if you missed it, don't worry,
'cause here to re-enact the scene where Zach meets Cat,
the actual lines from the show, here are Tariq and Questlove.
Guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thanks, Jimmy. Tonight, I'll be playing Cat,
a contestant from New York.
-And I'll be playing Zach, who's about to meet Cat.
[ Laughter ]
-Whenever you're ready.
[ Dramatic music ]
-Hi-i-i-i!
[ Laughter ]
-Uh, I recognize you. -You remember me?
[ Hisses ] [ Laughter ]
-Uh, I recognize Cat. -Oh, you remember me!
-Yeah.
[ Hisses ] Cat's here.
-Well, I'm Cat.
You remember me from the live show.
-I do.
I see, uh, you looking at the mansion.
Uh, it's kind of scary and big in person, huh?
-Not to me, no. [ Laughter ]
-No? -I'm from New York, you know?
You know this, come on. -Ha-ha-ha, from New York.
Yeah! -From New York!
-Bada-boo, bada-bee, baba-doo!
-Ah, the gabagool, am I right?! [ Laughs ]
-How can I forget the gabagool?
My bad, my bad, my bad.
-Well, we'll talk inside, all right?
-All right. Uh, bye, Cat.
-And remember -- love ya.
[ Laughs diabolically ]
-See you, Cat.
Heh, she's funny.
-Ah, where's the gabagool?!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tariq and Questlove, everybody.
Tariq and Questlove. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
They're just so --
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
They're good. Okay, stop.
[ Applause continues ] They're good.
They're good. You're good, you're good.
Thank you very much. You're good.
Yeah, they stopped clapping. Thank you, very good, yeah.
"Hey, gabagool!" [ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this?
Disney World just closed Splash Mountain.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
But if you want the same experience,
just ride the New York City subway when it's raining.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I read about a survey that found that most popular themes
for kids' birthday parties are "unicorn"
and "video game."
Yeah, they also released the list of
least popular birthday-party themes.
First, there's "Surprise! You're getting braces!"
[ Laughter ]
Then there's "The War of 1812."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, "Dead clown."
[ Laughter and applause ] There you go.
The least popular.
Guys, finally, it is Tuesday.
It is time for "WeTweet." Here we go.
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome! Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something we should post on Twitter.
I'm gonna show you five different tweets.
We're all gonna vote on whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats.
Yep. You can vote for all of them,
you can vote for none of them.
Whatever you want, and we're gonna see the results live.
Higgins, Roots, do you have your clickers, too?
-Got it, got it. -All right, you got it?
All right, now, whatever tweet gets the most likes,
we will tweet it out live on the show
so that you can all like it and "wetweet" it.
-Oh. -It's a shared experience.
You guys ready? -Yes!
-All right. The first tweet is...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
"Playing -- Playing with blocks we are."
Yeah, no one can talk like that forever.
They grow out it. All right, here we go.
The votes are in. Let's see the results.
[ Drum roll ]
Ooh, not bad! 114!
That's good, that's positive. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's a good start. It's a good start.
I like this next one, I think.
-This one you like the best? -This one, I think, so far.
This next one I like better -- -Better than the Yoda one.
-I think so. [ Laughter ]
-Think you do. -Either way, I'm voting now.
I didn't even say it. -Oh, really?
You didn't even read it. You're just gonna vote.
-I'm gonna read it, but this one's pretty good.
This next one is...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-I agree. Yeah.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-I think -- -Factual.
That is a factual statement.
-Yeah, the audience doesn't seem to like it at all.
-Not humorous. [ Laughter ]
-I think this one -- -I didn't say it was humorous.
I said it was factual.
-I think Yoda is going to win over this one.
Let's see the results.
-Oh! -All right, a little bit more.
All right. Appreciate that.
Thank you. A little bit more. -A little barn burner there.
-All right, let's go to the next one here.
It says...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-"You don't know how good you got it."
-"You don't understand how hard we had it."
-Yeah. -We had to take one out
and put -- make sure the other one was rewound.
A lot of problems, yeah.
All right. Let's see the results here.
I think it's higher than 122. Let's see.
Oh, yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
All right, here we go. Next up is...
[ Laughter ]
That's great. Yeah, I love it.
-There's the door. -"Get out."
Yeah, yeah. That's getting a vote.
That's gonna -- that's so good.
"Live, laugh, leave. Get out."
Let's see the results on this one.
Oh! -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Clicks tongue ] Bang!
That one's gonna be hard to top. -177.
-I think that's the winner.
But we do have one more. -Is it any good?
-Yeah, this one's good. This last one is...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
"I just -- I can't get away from these people!"
[ Laughter ] All right.
Let's see what the audience voted for.
-Oh! -Oh!
So the winner is...
The winner is number four.
So the winner is, "'Live, Laugh, Leave'
would be a much better kitchen sign."
I'm gonna post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a "wetweet," and enjoy.