-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show" here...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...Studio 6A in New York City.
Thank you, Roots. Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, as of this afternoon,
some states are still counting their votes,
but the numbers are looking good for Joe Biden.
Yep, it seems like America --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Seems like America is just about ready
to socially distance from President Trump.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep, as more votes came in today,
the coronavirus put on its hat and coat
and thought, "Well, it's been a good run.
Good day to you all." [ Laughter ]
That's right, as of now, it's looking like
the GOP strategy of "Hope no one notices the global pandemic"
didn't turn out so well. [ Laughter ]
At this very moment, Biden is smiling from ear to ear.
At least I think he is. It's hard to tell
since he's wearing a mask!
You should wear a --
You could tell Biden's feeling good, though.
He spent most of the day
putting the finishing screw-ups on his acceptance speech.
[ Laughter ]
Later, Biden was seen swigging Ocean Spray
while hanging off the back of an Amtrak train.
♪ Thunder only happens when it's raining ♪
♪♪
Was he drinking while singing? I don't know what he --
Well, he's going so fast that there's no liquid --
-Right, exactly. -It's a lot of space work,
but trust me, it makes sense.
Here's how confident Biden is feeling.
He just called Trump to say,
"Hey, that crap about Hunter's laptop?
All true. Bye!"
[ Laughter ]
What you gonna do?
Yeah, the only people happier than Biden's staff is Trump's.
"Oh, my God. It's almost over. Thank goodness.
Gosh, that was a long four years."
I'm not saying Trump is in trouble,
but he was just sent straight to voicemail by the MyPillow guy.
[ Laughter ]
But this is nice -- Trump's inner circle
is trying to cheer him up.
They're like, "Yes, you may be losing the White House,
but on the bright side, you can now focus
on that cool billion you owe."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Eric Trump was like, "If Biden is president,
does that mean he's my new dad?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, nothing is definite,
but the outcome feels pretty inevitable right now.
Vladimir Putin is like, "Oh, well.
You rig some, you lose some."
[ Laughter ]
You rig some, you lose some. Trending on Twitter right now.
That's right, things are looking pretty good for Biden,
but we're still waiting for a final call,
'cause a few swing states are still counting final votes.
Seriously, this is getting crazy.
It's like we're living through that dramatic pause
before they give out a rose on "The Bachelorette,"
but for two full days.
You're like, "Okay --
[ Breathing heavily ]
Okay-y-y-y. [ Drum roll ]
[ Drum roll stops ]
Ah... [ Drum roll ]
Will you accept -- Eh..."
At this point, Americans are like, "Let's go.
We've got no things to do, and no people to see."
[ Laughter ]
I heard Zog's laugh at it. That's --
[ Laughter ] But this is interesting.
I heard that each ballot is processed by two volunteers,
one Democrat and one Republican.
And if they fall in love,
they star in a Hallmark movie called "Count on Love."
[ Laughter ]
Imagine being a ballot counter, though.
You're stuck inside a room full of people
during a global pandemic, paper cuts all over your hands,
and the rest of the country is like,
"What the hell is taking so long?!
I don't hear any counting in there, Gretchen."
[ Laughter ]
-Gretchen.
[ Laughter ]
It would be a Gretchen. -It feels like it, right?
You can tell Trump's starting to panic about the results,
'cause this morning, he tweeted, "STOP THE COUNT!"
In response, The Count from "Sesame Street" tweeted,
"You've lost ONE, TWO, THREE swing states!
AH AH AH"
♪♪
Then a little later in the day,
Trump also tweeted, "STOP THE FRAUD!"
Yeah, "STOP THE COUNT!" then "STOP THE FRAUD!"
Soon he's going to tell us to stop, collaborate, and listen.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
What -- I was trying to do his dance move,
but does he have a --
Oh, yeah, it was. It was a lot of --
-A lot of --
-A lot of, like, chain flying?
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-It's not skipping rope.
-I'm skipping rope, but still, it's --
[ Laughter ]
-Wait, do it again. Do it again. Do it again.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-I'm double dutching. I'm double dutching.
I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry, Vanilla.
Sorry.
But he's not just tweeting.
Trump's campaign started taking legal action yesterday.
Check it out.
-Legal challenges are already under way.
The Trump campaign has filed lawsuits in Pennsylvania,
Michigan, and Georgia, and the campaign is pursuing
a recount of the vote in Wisconsin.
-You know you're in trouble when your master plan
starts with, "Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone."
[ Laughter ] Yeah, as we speak,
Trump is assembling a dream team of lawyers
who all claim they were tucking in their shirts.
[ Laughter ]
Of course --
Of course he's suing. I get the feeling
when Trump didn't get the Christmas gift he wanted
as a kid, he was like, "Better lawyer up, Nana.
[ Laughter ]
Better lawyer up, Nana."
[ Laughter ]
Trending on Twitter. That's a good one.
"Better lawyer up, Nana."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I read that Trump is upset
that Fox News called Arizona for Biden on election night.
And yesterday, Trump's supporters came to his defense.
Listen to this.
-[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks! -[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks!
-And they're actually chanting "Fox News sucks.
Fox News sucks."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Trump's supporters were like,
"We only trust one real news outlet -- Facebook memes."
[ Laughter ]
You can tell everyone is on edge.
Sean Hannity just had an unscaleable wall built
around his studio.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
It's "DeShay"?
DeShay revolves it? -Yep.
-It's DeShay, right?
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
That was a really loud "Yep" from Mark.
-How'd he -- Yeah, how'd he know that?
-The rest of The Roots just looked at me.
Mark goes, "Yep. That's right, it's DeShay."
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
"Check out the hook while DeShay revolves it."
-Oh, my God.
-Yo, I never -- I thought he said "deejay."
-Nah.
-I thought it was, "Check out the hook while my deejay re--"
But, yeah. -No, you'd think that.
-Yeah, one would think. -One would.
-Yeah. -And one wouldn't, you know?
-Yep, yep.
You rig some, you lose some.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-That's right.
"Better lawyer up, Nana."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and here's something you don't hear every day.
A man was banned from Yellowstone National Park
for trying to fry chickens in the hot spring.
[ Laughter ]
You see, these are the stories we can focus on
during a Biden presidency.
Not Trump. [ Cheers and applause ]
Fried chickens in the hot --
I'm too lazy to microwave a Lean Cuisine.
This guy goes to Wyoming to cook a 12-piece.
[ Laughter ]
Here's a big business story --
The owner of Arby's and Buffalo Wild Wings
is buying Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin-Robbins.
Wow, they now have a monopoly on clogged arteries.
Here's the plan -- Dunkin' for breakfast, Arby's for lunch,
Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, Baskin-Robbins for dessert,
then you drop your kids back off at their mother's house.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm dating again, Susan."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a car in Wisconsin was just pulled over
for a pretty interesting reason. Watch this.
-The state trooper had pulled over a driver
who thought it was a good idea
to strap a snowmobile to the top of his car.
The 23-year-old driver explained that it, "looked sketchy,"
but said that he strapped it down
and he shook it to make sure it was secure.
[ Laughter ]
-In his defense, that's how
every New Yorker installs an air conditioner. Yeah.