Okay, so I just want to set the scene for you,
so just try to imagine this:
You've come home from a hard day.
Maybe Dave's been giving you hell at work again
and you're fighting the urge to punch his face in,
or maybe you've been at school staring at that hot girl who sits across you from English class again.
Who the fuck cares.
So you open the door and to your horror you see
this girl standing over your dead sister's corpse with a knife in hand
and there's just blood EVERYWHERE.
Like, fucking blood on the carpet,
blood on the walls,
not even Shamwow could clean up this fucking mess.
But most of all she's that girl who's covered in your sister's blood.
Now, this isn't just any girl.
This is that girl you've seen following you home every night for the past week
that you've never tought too much about
Until now.
When she gets up, turns to you, and you look at her in dead, lifeless eyes
while you think to yourself, trembling in anticipation
"Do I have a boner right now?"
*from the background* "No Mum, I'm not going crazy, this is totally a thing! "
So let's jump right into this!
What is a Yandere?
Well, remember that crazy, obsessive ex you once dated
who started off allright
then began giving off these weird serial killer vibes
anytime you started talking to someone of the opposite sex?
Well, imagine if they DID actually become a serial killer,
murdering everyone around you or even yourself to ensure that no one else could be with you.
THAT is a Yandere.
The term is derivative from the japanese words "deredere"
which meas "lovestruck"
and "yanderu", which means "Bitches Be Crazy"
PROBABLY
It's been a huge mistery why yanderes have surged in popularity in recent years
because normally, if you see a girl murdering other people in front of you in the name of love
you'd be like: "WOAH. Holy shit girl that's... that's pretty crazy.
I mean, that's like a jailable offense that you... you... you should...
I-I-i should *takes a breath* probably call the police 'cause this is... some real fucked-up shit, man
that's... you just... you just fucking killed somebody"
*panting*
But in animes it's like "Thehe, she's so cute"
BEST GIRL
Now, you may be wondering why anyone would want a crazy, psychothic patner
who has no hesitation in killing you or the people around you.
I mean, why? Seriously, why? Why would you want that?
Are you a fucking idiot? Yes. Probably. Definitely. I'm definitely an idiot.
Where was I?
Here in the Anime Zone I care about my viewers,
and I don't want any of you falling victims to any yanderes
so here's everything you need to know about how to survive a yandere encounter
So, the first thing you want to remember and it's a pretty easy thing to remember and follow is uh...
R-Rule number one: Yanderes are not crazy, they're misunderst-
No no no, wait that's... that's not right... ehm
what- what was it...
Oh yeah!
Do not stick your dick in crazy.
Rule number two:
DO NOT STICK YOUR FUCKING DICK IN CRAZY
Now, properly understanding the mind of a yandere can actually be quite hard for normal people,
so as part of my research I had to put myself in the mind of a yandere,
think like a yandere,
act like a yandere,
which led me to play Yandere Simulator to see if it would give me any clues.
Day one of yandere simulator and... I ah... find myself doing a lot of uh... research on this topic.
No conclusive findings yet but uh... we'll see how it goes.
So, now that I'm a certified expert in yanderes
I can now giude you through the science of how to avoid them
s-s-so this is rule number three: every stranger who starts a conversation with you IS a yandere
I mean, c'mon: you're losing nut (?) who spends all his time inside watching anime
the prime pray for any yandere according to anime
so you gotta be extremely careful when anyone talks to you
here's an exemple so you understand:
say you're minding you're own buisness on a crowded bus or something and a girl gets on
and she points the seat next to you and asks "Excuse me, is this seat free?"
OH OH. CODE RED. SHE WANTS THE D. SHE WANTS THE D!
See, she is quite obviously a yandere trying to stalk you home to kill your loved ones and anyone you get close to.
So now you have several options:
you could politely decline her by eloquently remarking "Fuck off dickhead, your face looks like my mum's clunge"
but this is higly unadviced as any mention of genitalia would probably turn her on
so I know exactly what you're thinking next:
"Well, what if I just shit myself right then and there?
She'll be so repulsed by that she won't be attracted to me anymore and will leave me alone."
Right?
WRONG
Yanderes are unconditionately in love with you, so by doing that you probably just gotten her into scat
and now you're in even deeper shit. Pun intended.
No, the correct response would be to get up, smack her square in the face,
hopefully knocking her out in the process, and then runing away as fast as you can.
Afterwards you'll then need to migrate to a different country and change your name before she has a chance of mentally recorver.
Day two of Yandere Simulator.
I still don't truly understand what a yandere is
and everyone seems normal enough
but there's this one girl who's just... standing there, constantly.
Nothing I do ever grabs her attention or anything
she's just... there. Always.
SHE'S MOCKING ME.
Now, all this seems pretty easy to spot
but don't forget that yanderes aren't always acting crazy
and most of the times they can seem pretty sweet and innocent before they snap
so there are few things I can warn you if someone you know is secretly a yandere.
Firstly, if their eyes look completely blank
then you know that they're just one push away from going on a murdering spree
or they've just taken a fuck ton of LSD and are tripping balls
and let's not forget their laugh:
Does someone you know laugh like a mixture between Alvin the Chipmunk and the Joker?
*CREEPY LAUGHS*
Then be careful as they are probably a yandere.
Rule number four: Always be on the lookout for weapons
yanderes will always have some kind of weapon on hand in case they need to go on a killing spree
but a lot of the times they are normal household items, so you have to be aware of anything that can be used to kill.
If she has a kitchen knife you have to question: is she just really dedicated to cooking
or does she feel like stabbing you in the balls?
If she has a rope
is she planning to kidnap you or is she just really into bondage?
Pencil: come on, you're just asking to be stabbed in the eye.
If she has a book: What, you don't think she can go Jason Bourne on your ass?
If she has a gun... then you don't need to worry 'cause yanderes don't use guns.
She's probably just American in that case.
Day three of Yandere Simulator
and I can't get this guy to realize that I exist
WHY WON'T HE NOTICE ME??
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO??!?
And lastly, rule five:
beware of pink.
Now, I don't know where this came from, but pink is the color of yanderes
even though most yanderes don't have anything to do with pink.
Now, if you're unacquainted with anime in general you might be confused as to who the most famous yanderes are in the media.
So for you here's a starter pack of the top ten yanderes that everyone needs to know.
Number ten
Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki
Number nine
Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki
Number eight
Yuno Gasai from Mira-
Number seven
Yuno Gasa-
Six
Yuno Gas- Yuno Ga- Yuno Gasa-
Number negative twenty-seven.
Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-
Mirai Nikki from Gasai Yuno
Number one
Charles Manson from Mirai Nikki
And that's pretty much all the details you need to know about yanderes
but I know some of you will still be allured to the charm of someone being completely devoted for you
even if they do come with a dash of serial killing
so here's the part where I show you a montage of the cutest and most appealing parts of yanderes
to affirm why people can find them so desirable, so ehm... he-here we go
[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTERS]
Yeah, that was real cute.
Day five of Yandere Simulator
NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. I CAN FEEL EVERYONE LAUGHING AT ME
STARING.
THEY THINK I'M CRAZY
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW. THEY DON'T KNOW THE POWER I HOLD.
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD TOLD ME. THEY TOLD ME EVEYTHING
I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT
I JUST- I JUST NEED A CHANCE
AND THEN EVERYONE WILL SEE.
EVERYONE WILL SEE!!
*Technical issues*
Whoa. I'm uh... sorry about that, guys
I don't know what happened to me
But to get back on track, I hope you learned something today about yanderes
Even if I still fully don't understand how anyone could be so crazy to be like- OH
fuck.
FUCK