Hello there everyone.
I'm gonna give you a practice today that's gonna seem really simple,
but don't let the simplicity fool you.
Because this practice has the capacity to change the game of life
and how life feels.
(Intro Music)
Instant Belonging
Ego is essentially nothing more
than a sense of separate self.
Your Ego is comprised of anything you identify with.
Now obviously, to perceive yourself as a separate thing,
you have to perceive yourself as different to everything around you.
You cannot conceptualize of what you are,
unless you conceptualize of what you are not.
An easier way of understanding this
is to say that you cannot conceptualize of yourself as Joe,
until you are aware that you are not Nancy.
This means that Ego only exists in a state of comparison.
It cannot exist without comparison.
This process of individualization benefits us in certain ways.
But there is a heavy price to pay for it as well.
The price is separation.
When we conceive of ourselves as a separate self,
we are immediately not a part of anything we define as other.
This is the true origin of loneliness.
The mind naturally spends all its time comparing.
The mind essentially is used by the Ego,
the sense of Self,
to keep itself going, through this comparison.
When we think about comparison thinking,
we often think about it in classic terms
of how we usually use it, which is things like:
"That person has more money than me."
or, "I am more pretty than that person".
That's the typical painful comparison we are talking about.
But comparison thinking goes far, far beyond that.
It goes to things we wouldn't naturally identify as painful,
such as:
"I'm a girl and that is a boy"
or, "I am a person and that is an apple".
The Ego will not stop doing this all day, every day,
because what is the Ego?
Ego is sense of separate Self.
So what happens, if it stops comparing?
It dies.
Comparison thinking is the only reason
that Ego can continue to exist.
This means upon coming into this life,
that you are essentially intact with a mechanism,
that is designed to keep you separate from other things.
To have you perceive yourself as different to other things.
To separate you from things in the world, instead of unite you with the world.
So, what happens when our identity arises
as a result of comparing ourselves
with the world?
Yet, when we compare ourselves with the world around us
and we find that everything around us is different to us,
belonging goes straight out the window.
Now, when we are in this position,
where our comparison thinking
that the Ego continues to engage in,
continues to show us that everything around us
is different to us,
and belonging goes out the window,
Ego has no other option,
but to identify with not belonging in and of itself.
And when this happens,
suddenly, the Ego must continue to have you not belong,
otherwise that aspect of itself must die.
Separation causes suffering.
Our society puts a lot of energy
into the idea that we need to embrace differences
and that differences are good.
The idea that differences are good
is one that can definitely can be substantiated,
but the opposite view can be substantiated as well.
The feeling of separation and being alone
causes more or less suffering for us,
depending on the level of trauma we experienced
around connection with others.
Because of this,
for some of us, differences cause extreme pain.
If we struggle with belonging,
any differences in other people cause us to feel extreme pain,
because they immediately cause us to feel isolated.
We relive the trauma of aloneness and abandonment and of not belonging
any time we encounter differences.
Our Ego self is therefore
retraumatizing us through comparison,
which it does all day every day.
So instead of trying to be OK with differences,
we need to consciously do the opposite.
The reason that falling in love feels so incredibly good,
is that by falling in love we take that person as ourselves.
Now, if you were to watch the mind,
what it's doing when we are falling in love,
is it's comparing itself to the other person, like it always does,
but it's completely focused on finding similarities.
So, all day, every day it's finding what's the same between itself,
and the other person.
This causes a sense of unity.
This causes a sense of belonging.
This causes the dissolving of that separation.
And so we feel that belonging,
that sense of connection, that amazing oneness that we lost.
This is why falling in love,
feels so damn good.
And relationships start to feel painful, when?
When the ego starts comparing itself
to that other person in the relationship,
and starts to find differences instead.
Now, there's a lot of people
who are therapists in this setting,
and what they say is that this phase of the relationship,
the phase they call the autonomy phase of a relationship,
is in fact, healthy.
it's when you are starting to find out how you are different.
I don't, actually, agree with this philosophy.
I'm, in fact, gonna challenge you
to realize that this is the point in your relationship,
where your ego has hijacked the relationship.
and has instead, tried to create separation again
by looking for differences between you and the person that you are around,
instead of similarities.
We loose our experience of oneness.
We stop feeling that same all encompassing
sense of belonging,
we start to feel separated and isolated again.
Essentially, your ability to feel belonging and oneness, and unity
is dependent upon your capacity to perceive similarities.
You must be aware that to take on this process,
is to take on the practice of challenging the ego.
It will take effort at first,
but it is the antidote to feeling not belonging.
And here it is;
Notice that without trying,
with no effort at all,
your mind is constantly scanning the world around you
and everything in it,
for differences.
Then consciously switch
to deciding to seek and acknowledge
similarities in the world and everything in it instead.
If you really want to dissolve your ego,
then stop comparing.
But for those of you, in the world,
who heard that sentence and just thought:
"Well, that sounds easier said than done",
you're completely right.
There is no red button that exists
that you can push and just stop comparing.
And when spiritual teachers say:
"Just stop comparing.",
it does no good whatsoever,
because I've never met a person who can actually do that.
So, instead, what I'm suggesting is to use your ego,
that naturally hijacks your mind,
in order to compare itself with the world,
to your advantage instead.
Use your mind to compare itself to things,
and consciously find similarities,
instead of differences.
Pretend to be a scientist that is intensely engaged in a project.
Find as many similarities, as you can,
with everything in existence.
For example, find similarities between yourself
and inanimate objects.
Find similarities between yourself and your friends.
Find similarities between one animal and another.
Find similarities between yourself and your food.
Find similarities between one person and another person.
Find similarities between yourself
and the things and people that you feel different from.
When you feel ready,
find similarities between yourself,
and the people you hate the most.
The people you feel you do not belong with.
Pay attention to the way you feel.
Notice that you'll start to feel like you belong.
Notice that the resistance melts away,
and notice how life begins to feel connected and right.
Live life with a mantra:
"How am I the same as ________."
There is no limit to what you can find similarities with,
so get way, way outside the box
when you're doing this practice.
And I would encourage you, especially if you struggle
with a sense of belonging,
to make this your sole spiritual practice,
for a period of time.
To feel separate from the Universe you live in,
is to suffer.
and it is the continual scanning of the environment
and finding differences, that fuels this form of suffering.
The ego thinks that this is survival.
Because for the ego,
which is not all who you really are,
it quite literally is survival.
But we have to come to a point when we are willing to ask:
"Is survival really worth feeling this way every single day?"
If the answer is "No",
then our focus must switch from looking for differences,
to looking for the similarities between ourselves,
the world and everything in it.
Have a good week!
(Music)...
Subtitles by: Steli & Tanya Duarte