I'm glad that you're here and I'm sorry that you're here. Divorce is one of the
hardest things that you can go through. How do you move on after a divorce?
That's what we're talking about today at Live On Purpose TV.
Probably one of the
most stressful things that a human being can go through is divorce. In fact, on
many of the lists that I've seen, it comes in higher on the stress list than
the death of a spouse. Now those of you have gone through this, you can probably
understand that because there are issues that come up and there are injuries that
occur and it's just this crazy awful experience that a lot of people go
through, unfortunately. I think the first thing that's important to understand is
that you are never wrong about how you feel, you are never wrong about how you
feel. How you feel is 100% consistent with the way your mind is processing
this experience and how are you supposed to feel when something like this happens,
right? It's really a normal reaction to an abnormal event in your life. Can you
connect with that? A normal reaction to an abnormal event and it's not the
divorce is uncommon, unfortunately, it's extremely common but
it's abnormal to you, it's not what you planned on, you didn't get married to get
divorced, that wasn't the plan as you went into this. So as you have this
normal reaction to an abnormal event, I just want to put that right up front
here because that will help you to feel less crazy and honestly, a lot of what
you're going through right now is crazy-making
so connect with that and realize that you get to give yourself a little bit of
time. Some people want to put timelines on it like, "Oh, by this time you should be.."
Whatever, don't even listen to them, you're never wrong about how you feel.
You're having a normal reaction to an abnormal event, this is how you're
supposed to feel when this happens. Okay, now having said that, there are some
healthy approaches and there's some less healthy approaches and let's get clear
about what kinds of things you can do to move on and to get to a place where
you're feeling like, okay I've got my life back under control, as if it was
ever under control in the first place. But let's just let's look at a concept.
So I'm drawing this path where two people are on their way to something.
Two happy people wander along their path here and then and to what? Well out here
somewhere is the goal so maybe that's happiness or a solid stable loving
marital relationship, okay? But whatever it is that is your goal out here. I think
the short version is joy. Isn't that what we're all after? Happiness, you know,
a sense that life is good. That's what our goal is and we got on this path called
marriage thinking, you know what? More likely to hit our goal if we do this
together than if we're separate and that's why you jumped on the path, right?
Then life happens and things beat you up a little bit so I'm going to symbolize
that with a giant. Picture this, a giant shows up right in your way and this is a
big intimidating *grunts* "None shall pass" kind of a giant and the giant is telling you you
don't get to have your goal. Well the giant could be a financial
problem, it could be infidelity, it could be a health problem, it could be a money
issue, whatever it is, here's this huge giant
that appears and says, "Hey, you don't get to have your happily ever after." And he's
just this big bullying intimidate.. What are we going to do? And sometimes the giant
doesn't move, doesn't come down, it's this barrier that's just trying to stop you
and steal your joy. So here's what I'm thinking, we're going to chart a little
pathway around the giant so just think of this as,
okay, we're going to get around this guy one way or the other. What are the two paths that are
possible to us? Now I've been doing marriage and family counseling for my
whole career. I happen to know that this is an option, we can take the together
path. I'll put that one right up here. Now this isn't an easy path because whatever
the giant is represents some things that a lot of people feel are unresolvable.
We're going to address that in another video but trust me, there are ways to
make this work and as much as people don't believe that, when they're heading
into a divorce, I have been convinced that there's no giant we can't
get around. How are we going to do that? We're going to apply certain principles.
Principles determine all of life's outcomes so what those principles are,
that's another conversation okay, but there are principles that allow us to
make that work on the together path. Well what if we end up on this separate path?
And you know what, folks? Sometimes you do and you didn't even vote for that.
Sometimes it was your choice but one way or another, you could end up on that
separate path. One of the things I tell my clients is that the together path
requires a unanimous vote. Meaning everybody has to vote for them and even
though I'm in favor of that path and most families, I don't get to vote for
you, you do, okay? And the together path requires a unanimous vote. If anyone
votes separate whether it's you or your spouse, you'll end up on the separate
path because the together path requires the unanimous vote, see where I'm going?
Now what have you end up on that path
whether it's by your own choice or because something happened and this
giant occurred and somebody voted separate and now we're on the separate
path? Okay, that's where the divorce path goes. How are we still going to get to
our happily ever after? How do we get to still claim joy in our life? That's what
the core of this video is, how to move on after a divorce. What if you're on the
separate path? Because in my mind, you guys, the goal, the joy, the happiness,
non-negotiable. I'm going to get behind you all day long to create that joy.
What are we going to do it from the separate paths? Guess what.
Principles are going to get us there and there's a set of principles here too, you
know what's really interesting to me? I did child custody evaluations for 13
years in my career, I've worked with a lot of families that are on the separate
path and here's what I've discovered, the principles that allow you to be
successful here are the same darn principles that allow you to be
successful there. The thing is when people take the separate route, they
usually throw those principles out the window. Let me give you a quick example
and then we can talk some more in the future about this the example is, love.
Now think about it, love would be essential right, if you're
going to be successful on the together path. A lot of times when people go
through a divorce because of the pain, because of the injury, because of the
issues that are involved, they choose hate instead of love. I'm going to tell you
what.. It makes for a miserable miserable divorce and that's the way we typically
go because traditionally, that's what you think has to happen when a divorce
occurs. I can tell you from my experience that love is a principle that will make
this work so that you can move beyond the divorce. Here's an example of what I
mean. Every interaction you have with another
person is going to fall on one side or the other, I'm convinced that there is no
neutral option like middle of the road, your interactions will be either a love
choice or a hate choice and I use the word hate because people hate the word
hate but just tune into this because what if that's it? Those are your only
two choices . If you choose hate, you will make things worse, guaranteed. If you
choose love, you will make things better even if the other person isn't choosing
love and often they won't. This is what makes it challenging, you get to choose
love no matter what and especially when other people are choosing hate. I'm not
saying this because I want your ex's life to be better,
although it might be if you choose love, that's irrelevant, your life improves
when you choose love. Now really quickly, there's three ways to choose hate, three
steps, there's three steps to choose love. So let's get clear about how you're
going to choose hate. Can we go there first? Here we go, step one
assume the worst. You don't know what people's intentions are but to do a good
hate choice, you gotta assume that they just have evil intention, they want to
ruin your life, you know, all of these hateful thoughts, assume the worst.
Step two, practice pride. Pride is where you know that you're right and check it
out, you do, I've got a good buddy that wrote a book called you're gonna love
this title, "You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married" and he's convinced that when
we run into problems in a marriage, it's because it's the right fight, that we're
true were fighting about who's right instead of what's right. Brett Williams.
Awesome little book, was an amazing title. Practice pride, you know that you're
right, hang on to that position, dig in your heels and do not yield. Step three,
think to destroy. You use that creative mind of yours to come up with ways to
hurt and punish and destroy and tear down, okay? You do those three things,
you got a really great hate choice going on and just consider for a minute what
that's going to do to your life. Interesting. Okay, let's get on the other
side. What if we choose love? It's the three opposites, okay, so over here we're
assuming the worst, guess what? In love we assume the best
and we don't know what other people's intentions are, even if they tell us, all
we know is what they told us, assume the best. Step two, practice humility, give up
your need to be right because even though you know you're right, sometimes
you're not and that gets in our way all the time.
Knowing that we're right has us treating each other terribly. So practice
humility. Step three, think, use that creative power of yours.
Think to create, to build up and lift and enhance
and create an upgrade in your life and the lives of those around you. Can you
move on after a divorce? Absolutely. If we're taking that path, there are
principles that will allow that to happen. Number one, principle choose love.
Wow, that's some tough stuff but you've got this. I hope that was
helpful for you and maybe for somebody else that you know. If you're new here,
please subscribe, we'll be back tomorrow with another video.