The 2018 FIFA World Cup
officially kicked off today in Russia.
And look, I know for most Americans
the World Cup isn't important, you know?
It ranks somewhere between a midseason WNBA game
and the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.
But for the rest of the world,
this tournament is as big as it gets.
Because it's not just about the sport,
it's a chance for the host country to re-brand itself.
And if there's one country that could use some good publicity,
it's Russia.
The month-long competition
is expected to bring more than a million people to Russia
and attract more than three billion
television viewers worldwide.
A global sporting event of this scale
is the perfect stage for a host nation
to promote itself to the world, to boost its image.
NEWSMAN: Vladimir Putin is desperate
for the world to see only the positive images
coming out of his country.
You can get to know Russia,
a unique country...
with a long history and rich culture.
Not bad, not bad at all.
(laughter)
(with Russian accent): Not bad at all.
Not bad.
(normal voice): Yeah, I'm not gonna lie,
I like this new hospitable side of Putin, you know?
Yeah, he's like if the trivago guy
had a history of shooting down airplanes, you know?
Yeah. It's a cool mix.
But I-I understand why Putin is so excited
for Russia to be hosting the World Cup.
Because you see, as a South African,
I saw how hosting the tournament gave our country
an opportunity to change our image, right?
Before the World Cup, when people thought South Africa,
they thought crime, AIDS, racism.
But then, thanks to the World Cup,
now when you think of South Africa,
you think of this:
(horns blowing)
You see, no more racism. Huh?
Yeah, and by the way, before you judge us,
we may blow vuvuzelas, but you guys elected one.
So chill, all right. Yeah.
How about you chill.
Just chill.
-Chill. -(cheers and applause)
And now, now, to most people,
Vladimir Putin is already beyond redemption.
He annexed Crimea, he meddled in the U.S. elections,
and worst of all, he bit Beyoncé and framed Sanaa Lathan.
But... that doesn't mean
that Russia won't give an image rehab its best shot.
TV REPORTER: Russian's singing grannies are on a mission
-to give Russia -(women singing in Russian)
a friendlier face for the World Cup.
These bubbly babushkas have penned a World Cup anthem
and produced a pop video to go with it.
The message to foreign football fans,
you have nothing to fear from Russia.
(speaking in Russian)
TV REPORTER: I won't scare you, Anna says, I'll hug you.
I'll kiss you, I'll sing and dance for you.
Uh...
Okay, now I'm scared.
(laughter)
A little turned on, but mostly scared.
Yeah, because it feels like
these super friendly Russian grannies
are trying a little too hard, you know?
Like the nicer they are to me,
the more worried I am that it's all a trap
and she's just gonna push me in an oven at the end.
And-And those human nesting dolls
may have seemed a little overenthusiastic,
but at least, at least they know how to be basically friendly,
because, apparently, the rest of Russia has to take classes.
TV REPORTER: Russians will even smile at you.
Ahead of the World Cup, train conductors here
have been taught to forget the frowns
and give foreigners big shiny smiles
to match the big shiny new stadiums.
I don't know, man.
I feel like the only thing worse than a non-smiling Russian
is a smiling Russian.
(laughter)
(with Russian accent): "This is... this is smile?
"Yes, I show teeth, yeah?
And then when do I bite?"
(normal voice): "No, no, no, no! There's no biting."
(with Russian accent): "Why show teeth if no bite?"
(laughter)
(normal voice): So, look, on the face of it,
Russia is trying to project a friendly image,
but, unfortunately, there is a dark side
of their country that they can't cover up.
For instance, it's been reported that gay men
who are kissing in public will be reported to the police.
And I'm assuming gay women kissing must report directly
to Vladimir Putin.
There's also been a rise in Russian fans
singing racist chants, which wouldn't be a problem
if y'all just kept the vuvuzelas.
(pretends to blow horn)
Oh, and as for freedom of the press,
it's safe to say that, uh, you probably shouldn't say anything
as journalists from the BBC recently found out.
TV REPORTER: It is the increasingly paranoid
controlling side that's clearly there
behind the makeover for the World Cup.
The whole time we've been here in Nizhny,
it seems there's been somebody following us,
at least one car, sometimes three.
Minutes after we met local opposition activists...
(bell chimes)
...there was this.
The pair at the door said they'd come
from state television to interview us,
but we hadn't told anyone we'd be here.
(with Russian accent): Yes, we are here to do interview.
Now, please speak directly into microphone.
Now, I show teeth.