-Guys, I'm so excited about this.
Rachel Maddow is my guest tonight!
-Oh! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Rachel will break down the South Carolina primary,
walk us through Super Tuesday,
and tell us about the coronavirus.
And by the end of her segment, Democrats will be like,
"Can she just be the nominee?"
That's right -- Saturday was the South Carolina primary,
and by Sunday night, Pete Buttigieg
dropped out of the race.
Buttigieg said he was ending his campaign to,
"Help bring the party and our country together."
Yeah. With that kind of attitude,
it's clear he wasn't presidential material.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I feel badly that Buttigieg is out of the race,
especially since the president spent so much time
trying to learn his name.
-Boot-edge-edge.
Boot-edge-edge.
You say "boot" and then add "edge-edge."
Boot-edge-edge.
Boot-edge-edge. Boot-edge-edge.
Boot-edge-edge!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-But it wasn't just Buttigieg.
Tom Steyer also dropped out of the race.
He said, "I can't see a path where I win the presidency."
It probably would have helped
if that wasn't also his campaign slogan.
"I can't see a path where I win the presidency."
It's just basic.
But it didn't stop with Buttigieg and Steyer,
because just a few hours ago, Amy Klobuchar also dropped out.
Amy said, "Even after all of that Klomentum,
I've decided to Klo away."
-Oh. -But this is interesting.
Klobuchar dropped out and immediately endorsed Joe Biden.
At the end of her speech, she said,
"I'm Vice President Amy Klobuchar,
and I approve this message."
We know. We know what you're doing.
That's right -- the big winner in South Carolina was Joe Biden.
In fact, I heard that he even got a
congratulatory phone call from President Obama.
But when Biden asked for Obama's endorsement,
he was like, "Uh...I'm going through a tunnel.
Uh...my phone's at 2%. No habla Inglés."
During his rally in Houston today,
Joe Biden tried to quote the Declaration of Independence,
but I think he had a little trouble with it. Watch.
-We hold these truths to be self-evident.
All men and women created by -- You know the --
You know the thing.
-What? What?
Later, Biden was like, "I pledge allegiance to the -- Whatever.
Everybody knows what I'm talking about."
As soon as they saw that, Buttigieg, Steyer, and Klobuchar
all jumped back into the race.
There you go.
Trump saw that and was like, "Damn.
Game recognize game."
But tomorrow is Super Tuesday, and it looks like Bernie Sanders
could win big in California and Texas.
When asked about Super Tuesday, Bernie said, "Soup or Tuesday?
Soup or Tuesday? Soup or Tuesday?
I'll have the soup!"
Alright.
That's right -- a lot of people are saying that
we're down to a two-man race between Bernie and Biden.
Can we see those two? Yeah.
Usually, guys like that only fight over
the last large-print copy of "Reader's Digest."
That's right -- we're one slip and fall away
from having a one-man race.
Meanwhile, this weekend, President Trump
showed up at CPAC and started talking about
how Elizabeth Warren took down Mike Bloomberg at the debates.
He even included a new impression of Bloomberg.
Watch this.
-She was really mean to Mini Mike.
I'll tell you, the way she treated him.
He didn't know what hit him.
He's going, "Oh, get me off of this stage.
Get me off! Get me off of this stage!"
-Trump spent two days working on that impression
and two minutes working on the coronavirus.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone is still talking about the coronavirus,
and now New York has its first confirmed case.
And you can tell New Yorkers are real worried because
the price of "Hamilton" tickets dropped to just $9,000.
I mean, it's rough out there.
But the CDC has been reminding everyone
to wash their hands for 20 seconds,
or, as they call it,
the time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.
Apparently, measuring the time in popular songs
is working, because today,
I saw this new commercial from the CDC.
Check it out.
-The Centers for Disease Control presents "Hand-Washing Hits,"
a collection of classic 20-second songs
to scrub your hands to.
You'll get hundreds of hits,
like "'Happy Birthday' Sung Twice."
"'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' Just Once."
"The 'Seven Nation Army' Riff Hummed Five Times."
"The Guitar Part in 'Sweet Child O' Mine'
Before Axl Rose Starts Singing."
"Four We will, We Will Rock You."
"The Really Long 'Daaaay' in Phil Withers' 'Lovely Day.'"
"The Bradley Cooper-Lady Gaga Harmony Part
at the end of 'Shallow.'"
DJ Khaled Saying 'Another One' Twenty Times."
And many more.
Order today and get a bonus CD
of hand-washing songs for kids, "Quarantine Bop."
Call now.
-"Quarantine Bop"? -Goodness.
-And, finally, I read about a man in Ohio
who gave up for a food for Lent
and said he's only drinking beer.
I think the guy might have a drinking problem
because he's actually Jewish.
We have a great show!