okay so on Wednesday this week it was
announced that schools across the UK
would close indefinitely with a level
and GCSE exams canceled today's big
announcements the government will cover
up to eighty percent of some employees
wages if you're self-employed you could
get the statutory sick pay equivalent of
94 pounds twenty five a week and the big
one all bars pubs gyms restaurants are
too close I mean probably good that the
pubs are closing because there won't be
any Aussies here to work in them anyway
it is now time for everyone to stop
non-essential contact with others and
here's the thing people aren't taking
this one seriously enough so there was
an example going around this week and I
want to reprise it for you if I can to
give you an idea of just how quickly
this thing spreads I'm going to use a
chess board and some jelly babies of
course you are okay that odd thing now
people are saying this is a lot like the
flu well if you've got the flu on
average you infect another 1.3 people so
let's say one so one is Alex 2.3 so if
you've got the flu you start here you
infect another one person yeah they
infect another one person they infect
another one person now it's not one it's
1.3 so it goes up tiny bit by the end of
the third row if you put if you went all
the way along here by the end of this
row here 417 people would be infected on
that square that's what flu is like now
Kovach 19 each covered 19 patients
infects approximately 2 other people so
you start here and then the next square
you've got 2 and then the next square
you've got 4 and then the next square
you've got 8 and clearly I'm running out
of room to put all these down there I
don't want to scare you but if we let
this go without any isolating whatsoever
here's what happens at the end of the
third row at the end of the first row
you've infected 128 people at the end of
the second row you've infected 32,768
people at the end of the third row there
are 8.3 million people just in that
square as well as the 4 million here the
2 million here and so on and so forth
and that's what happens if we don't do
anything that's why it's important to
stay inside if you
if you've been stockpiling notes more
than the two packets you're allowed to
buy excuse me she's got caught with 48
packs of jellybeans I'd serious yeah and
that's why this doctor held up this
impactful sign this week I stay to work
for you you stay at home for us the
whole point of staying at home is to
make sure that the NHS isn't overloaded
to the point where they just can't take
in all the people that are coming in and
look there are a lot of young people
saying this won't affect me I've got a
step for you 20% of people hospitalized
in the USA with covered 19 are between
the ages of 20 and 44 now this thing
might not kill you but it will kick the
living out of you and a sentiment
backed up by the World Health
Organization today not quite in those
words so how are we all feeling I've got
a coffin I'm a bit sweaty but I'm I'm
blasting through and I'm going to do the
show I just saw a man in hazmat suit
approached me that no how am I feeling
I think I'm reassured by the economic
measures yeah 80 percent yep I think and
I think actually I'm reassured by the
closing of the pubs and the restaurants
yeah and because I think a lot of the
people I know genuinely wanted that now
that you know yeah everyone speaking was
like we needs to lock this down this
feels like something that needs to be
done properly
yeah in the closing of the pubs is a
good thing but then also there's another
part of me that just thinks I've ever
been in the Wetherspoons unlike a Monday
afternoon even coronavirus ain't gonna
go in there
the other thing that for me like
currently like Pantheon is I've been
I've been getting up quite emotional
yeah this week we're not being going out
shopping and I found myself out on like
Tuesday just starting to like feel
really sorry for like the 110 that's
left
yeah and I was in Sainsbury's and I see
this one tin just left on the shelf and
I kind of went over to it it was kind of
all dented and a bit imperfect and on
its own and something resonated I just
started to feel like really sad and I
just wanted to say to it you knows it's
what's on the inside that counts
mushy peas yeah Isaac Newton discovered
gravity during self-isolation
Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the
plague Alex how are you spending your
time well I've started really watching
Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the star
yeah I've also been just in-between like
when I have a break from that just
currently been working on a vaccine
great um
I say working under vaccine I've just
basically been mixing condiments
together have you ever tried brown sauce
or salad cream don't horrible is
anyone in the Huddersfield area that
wants to buy a batch of brookers brown
cream so they're for sale look I think
in uncertain times you tend to revert to
what you know regardless of what you've
been up to
I genuinely and I know the answer so
tell the world I clean what the barbecue
that sounds like a euphemism
in fact I clean the barbecue I still
didn't know what to do with myself so I
mowed the lawn oh and then you clean the
Cork's on your halves in turn knives and
that's not a nice five minutes away from
putting on sunscreen look here's some
shopping tips though cuz I did do some
shopping some sensible shopping during
again check out your local shop yeah I
want to eat the supermarket's haven't
got toilet rolled you know who has your
corner shop or go to your Chinese
supermarket because no one is visiting
right some nail bars have excess hand
sanitizer leftover because no one's
going to nail bars so still can't go in
my local one every time I go in and
alight for the last time we're not gonna
price it up her finger I did here's you
in the week I'm not saying
henley-on-thames is posh but their White
Rose ran out of pesto my local shop ran
out of halloumi what a world we live in
how do you feel about it all at the
moment well you know what one thing I've
had to do is I finally moved out at my
mom and dad's house a global pandemic
that is in the 70s and so I didn't want
to do the wrong so so I've gone to stay
with some friends who very kindly
putting me up and are probably
regretting that kind offer they made
because I am quite have you seen people
stockpiling oh listen
that is I'm infuriated it's for you dear
today this what is wrong with people and
why so many toilet rolls I saw women in
the coop last week right yeah and she
had so many too and I actually said what
do you actually meet them do you need
every single one of them I was so
annoyed did you
I said you obviously don't I said you've
I have you got twelve or fourteen or
fifteen people at home no I said no it's
just me my husband I said well can you
put them back
brilliant
[Applause]
there's plenty of stuff to go down to
people aren't such selfish twice I love
I love the idea of her getting a home in
a husband guy so we're all retire old
you're not going to believe everybody's
got to just behave themselves Oh BJ why
don't people buy I mean that's the thing
to buy shares in I know everything else
especially invest in B days that's what
I'm telling everyone
you