-Our next guest has his comedy special
"Money Never Wakes" available on YouTube.
Please welcome the very funny Nathan Macintosh.
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hey. Hey.
Hey, everybody.
Hi. It's so great to be here.
Right now I'm trying to figure my life out.
Every single person I know is starting a family.
I'm losing a lot of friends to babies.
I should actually say I'm losing city friends.
I'm getting my small-town friends back
because their kids are now 18.
[ Laughter ]
People in small towns just start families younger.
Right? And of course they do. They're bored.
There's nothing to do in a small town.
I feel people in a small town just wake up one day
and look at each other like, "Look, I don't know.
You want to go see the trees again?"
[ Laughter ]
"We've already seen the trees.
We counted them. We measured them.
Well, we could make new people and show them the trees."
[ Laughter ]
One huge advantage, though,
if you have a baby in a small town,
you have space, you have a house and a yard.
I have friends in this city that are having a baby
in a studio apartment, an apartment
so small that if they get too many groceries,
they have to throw a chair out.
[ Laughter ]
The only good thing about a city apartment
is your baby can't just wander off.
You're not going to lose them. Like, "Where's Chris?"
"What do you mean where's Chris? He's in the West Wing.
What do you mean where's Chris?
Our oven and shower touch."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know that a lot of people are taking it.
So everybody wants you to hold their baby, right?
Every single person wants you to hold their baby.
Why? It's the most precious thing you have.
Why are you putting it in my hands?
People will step over a glass coffee table covered in candles
to hand you the most breakable thing they have.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody wants you to touch their phone.
Not one person.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And I honestly don't -- It bothers me.
I don't think a lot of people are taking it seriously
because everybody says they're having a baby, right?
Everybody says baby as if that's all it's ever going to be.
Babies grow up.
I really wish people said they were having a future adult
because one day it's a baby
and the next day it's a guy named Doug.
[ Laughter ]
And Doug is a grown man standing in your kitchen,
drinking your juice, and he wants money.
[ Laughter and applause ]
There's a lot of people
that aren't ready to have a baby, right?
So they get a dog as a training baby
and they call it a fur baby.
And honest to God, if you call your dog a fur baby,
do not have a skin baby because...
[ Laughter ]
You're not taking this seriously at all.
And having a dog might be harder sometimes.
I have a tiny little Chihuahua and it's horrifying.
I don't know if anybody's ever walked a Chihuahua.
It's scary. Walking a Chihuahua is like walking a carton of eggs.
[ Laughter ]
Any single thing can go wrong.
I got to be on the lookout for other dogs,
people, blowing leaves, everything.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think people pushing strollers are worried
that a hawk is going to come out of the sky.
[ Laughter ]
And take their baby.
But I have vivid thoughts about chopping a bird out of the air.
[ Laughter ]
Like, "Not today, hawk!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I just bought her that sweater,
which I never thought I'd ever be doing.
I never thought I'd be buying a coat for a tiny little dog.
I never thought I'd be in a store
like, "She'd never wear green,"
just pushing sweaters out of the way.
[ Laughter ]
But you have to get clothes for a Chihuahua
because if you take a Chihuahua out in the cold without a coat,
they freeze. They stop living right there.
[ Laughter ]
And then you're a maniac just dragging a frozen dog
down the street. People are like, "What happened?"
What happened? She's supposed to be in Mexico!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, when you get a dog,
there's so many places you can't live any more, right?
Because so many apartments say no pets,
and you want to get mad at the landlord,
like they're just making up these crazy rules.
But people ruined the pets rule
because most people, when they hear pets,
are like, "Oh, yeah, a pet, like a cat or a dog."
But some people hear "pets" and they go, "Oh!
Python."
[ Laughter ]
And then one day there's a 40-foot snake
roaming the halls, trying to eat your neighbors
because somebody doesn't know what a pet is.
A pet is something that you can pet.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You put your hand on its head and you pet it.
It's not a creature you fight with a stick back into a cage.
[ Laughter ]
It's not something you kick off a riverboat.
[ Laughter ]
It's not something a wizard puts on a staff.
It's -- It's a cute animal with fur.
Not something Samuel L. Jackson fought on a plane.
[ Laughter ]
There's so many apartments that say no pets.
There's not one apartment that says no babies.
Not one. And why? My dog is five pounds for life.
You don't know what this baby's going to be.
[ Laughter ]
This baby could grow into a 6'5" smoker
that steals packages. You don't know.
[ Laughter ]
My dog is doing nothing. She's sitting there shivering,
looking out the window for hawks.
[ Laughter and applause ]
My name's Nathan Macintosh, guys.
Thanks so much. Really appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
-Holy mackerel! -Thank you, man.
-Holy moley! That's exactly right.
Standing ovation. That is how you do it right there.
Nathan Macintosh. That is how you do it.
-Appreciate you guys.
-"Money Never Wakes" is available on YouTube.
We'll be right back. That was phenomenal.