hi YouTube family Lisa A Romano here the life coach and today I want to talk
about one of the tricks I teach my clients that has to do with how we can
spot a narcissist and what is what are some of the things that we can do when
we're in a conversation with it with someone that we think might be a
narcissist that will help us identify whether or not this person is in fact
well or not in fact because you know unless we're taking a personality test
and we've lived with this person and we know firsthand that there are
narcissists you know when first meeting someone we're pretty much trying to
figure out whether or not they're compatible with us narcissists are not
compatible truly with anyone in a healthy sense narcissists tend to
attract people who need to be validated by other people so if you're codependent
you are tuned up for a narcissist if you don't have a soul or I mean obviously
you have a soul but if you're not connected to your own soul if you're not
connected to a sense of self if you were born to people who minimized you and and
we're disconnected and aloof as parents then they may have taught you
unfortunately how not to connect to self and so people who are insecure seek
validation from the outside had troubled childhoods they will attract narcissists
people who had narcissistic parents they're tuned up for that and so for
those of you who have been following my work who might feel that you were either
codependent or knit an adult child of an alcoholic from either actively alcoholic
home or what we call a dry home where there was no alcohol to point at if
you've grown up a love addict and just insecure if you've had issues
with bulimia anorexia if you're a cutter if you're you know just suffer from
anxiety and panic disorders then you may also be thinking that you're in you know
your you have low self esteem and you're not worthy and then you sort of settle
for the kinds of people that show up and so you're really not picking you're not
selectively sifting you know the people you did
a tour marriage is kind of like whatever shows up shows up so like if you're a
size seven and a half and you find a pair of shoes it's a size five then you
just shoving your foot in it and you got blisters and and you're a mess and you
can't walk and you're uncomfortable and you smile and even though you're
uncomfortable that's sort of like what codependents do or people who are
insecure do they settle for the relationship that shows up it doesn't
fit it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel authentic but they wear the
relationship anyway because that's what they've been taught to do so one of the
things that when I mean I was a single mom for 14 years and when I was when I
started dating again after my divorce I was terrified because my ex-husband was
passive-aggressive narcissistic it was really hard to spot because everybody
loved him he was like the mayor in our town and he was totally on the surface a
people pleaser but he had no intention of ever following through so if my
ex-husband said yeah I'll come by later to check out that job for you
he wasn't comin by later his matter fact he was just saying it in the moment so
that you could like him in the moment so he's very passive aggressive very
manipulative all about making this person in the moment think I'm a nice
person but behind the scenes I'm screwing them every every step of the
way in some way I have no intentions of follow-through at my word he was a kind
of person that did not say what he meant and he did not mean what he said so it
was very confusing to me because on the surface and that's what co-dependents do
they see everything on the surface they don't look within on the surface we had
a house we went on vacations we had three healthy children we had a business
and everyone freaking loved him including my family and so inside I had
this turbulence going on I was like I don't think he sees me I don't think he
cares I don't think my feelings mattered to him at all I don't think he ever
wonders how I feel like I don't think I'm important to him and that's the way
I felt and that's what he treated me but because everything looked so good just
like it did in my dry home my dry ACOA home it was very difficult for me
because there was nothing concrete 2-point debt I thought I needed
permission to feel like he's off or we're off I thought I needed someone to
say yes Lisa that's your reality and I can validate for you you know yeah I can
vouch for you like your relationships messed up I really did think that I need
someone to validate my internal experience which is why I was
codependent and why I stayed for so long why I needed other people's permission
to feel like I had a right to experience what I was experiencing so if you're
codependent I hear you like it's tough and I encourage you to keep seeking
knowledge because the way to break codependent patterns is through truth
the truth sets you free what truth you are truth are you ain't happy
don't be a then you're not happy and if you're not happy you have a right to not
be happy and anyone's trying to tell you that you should be happy and you're not
happy that's someone you got a look at twice because they're not hearing you
and so one of the tricks that I use on you know when I was dating as a single
mom was I knew that that narcissists lacked empathy and I'm an empath so I
will have complete empathy for the person that I went naturally which if
I'm not careful sets me up for narcissistic abuse by someone else
because I want to know how they feel I want to know what they think I want to
make sure that they're okay so that comes natural to me so if I'm not
careful about that energy that I give off I'm going to get sucked in by a
narcissist and so what I began to do was while I was on a date with a man I would
say things like um Oh yesterday was a really really interesting day with the
kids it was really really exhausting if that guy did not say something like
really tell me about it if he did not seek interest in the feeling that I
threw out there then he's not empathetic to what I'm feeling like he's not
interested in that he wants to know how much the bill is is he getting laid are
we going to see em I go see him tomorrow is he a my is he able to control me into
thinking about what he needs so so I would do that like during dinner um
and I would okay the first thing all at that pass okay so oh yeah yes there was
a tough day with the kids it was exhausting now what do you mean by that
tell me about that oh yeah kids are kids you know under the age of twelve they
could be tough you know even over the age of 12 they could be tough you know
if there was no bouncing off of that that was strike number one I might say
now just a wit be aware of this I'm at dinner I'm interviewing this guy
okay strike number one does not bounce back feelings very bad sign because I'm
going to ask you so he says he had a tough day I'm all over that I'm like
tell me about it what do you mean you had a bad day Oh what was said well okay
why did that happen I want to know so I need to be with someone who's like that
because otherwise there's no flow back and forth so during the course of dinner
again like I say I interview I would interview men and I suggest that my
clients who are single interview women or interview men that when they're
dating so I would let that one go so that I might say now I'm aware I'm aware
I'm not into this guy yet I'm observing him then I might say something like um
you know um tell me about tell me about how you grew up and then if he said if
he if he had a feeling I would empathize that feeling and then I would say yeah
well I'm the oldest of three and you know my siblings and I just didn't share
the same reality so that was confusing if that guy doesn't say yeah I can see
how that could be confusing if you don't share the same reality if he doesn't if
he doesn't inquire about what I mean if he doesn't want to know more about what
that means I'm done like this um thank you for dinner here we go let's split
the check because you're never going to see me again like don't call me tomorrow
I'm not wasting my time so essentially very briefly this video has been created
to help those of you who tend to attract narcissists help you find ways where you
can test the waters with people before you take them home and sleep with them
or start a relationship with them or get too involved with them figure out if the
people in your life you know test the test of water see if the people in your
life mimic back your feelings if you're the one if you're codependent and your
love addict and you're an empath then you're the one who's always trying to
understand everybody and that's draining that's exhausting and those
relationships don't work they fizzle out and you end up
feeling very resentful and angry and feeling like what about me now
on the road to codependent codependent recovery an ACO a recovery whether if
dry homes are active alcoholic homes we learn to take accountability for the
energy we're giving out okay so if you are hanging out with people who women
friends whatever colleagues you're spending time with people who never ask
you how you are never ask you how you feel if you come up you know go to a
luncheon or something you start talking about how you feel and you're with women
who kind of like steamroll right over that you have to pay attention to that
so I'm not saying you know throw them away never speak to them again I'm
saying don't don't be the one who is seeking to understand them like let it
ride take a step back have a conversation about the weather have a
conversation about the upcoming project have a conversation about the upcoming
PTA meeting have become very light conversations that is not a conversation
that you sink yourself into that's not a conversation that you say yeah that's
willing of me that's willing of my authentic energy that's willing of my
soul that's willing of me sharing myself so we have to just we have to figure out
the boundaries there are certain relationships that you can be self self
with you can express self with you can be giving in and then there are
relationships that you cannot and unfortunately some of the relationships
that we cannot be giving in include mom dad sister brother aunt uncle and
sometimes even the friends that we've attracted along the way sometimes you'll
experience someone you've just met you know for 20 minutes and you have a more
authentic loving back-and-forth relate exchange of emotions than you do
with your own mother or your own father and that's okay the goal is to pay
attention to the way that feels the reciprocity there's the reciprocation
that takes place you know how that person is reciprocating how you feel
they're mirroring your emotion that's healthy you want to be in that type of
an exchange with somebody so dear ones um it's all about learning about who you
are and what you're worth and understand that people who don't see you don't get
to feel you people who don't see you don't get to experience the love
vibration that you emit that doesn't mean you harass them you cut them off
you can still bless somebody I still bless my ex-husband I bless my mom my
dad I bless everybody like I don't have a beef with anybody I
understand that everybody is a product of their environment and where they are
is representative of their current level of self-awareness and that is on a
spectrum that that is those levels those are vibrations and that changes so my
ex-husband can be very unaware today but he might be extremely aware tomorrow and
I have no right to judge his path I have no right to judge my sisters and my
brothers my goal is to figure out chemic do they hear me and if they do
okay I'll tiptoe into that pool they don't I'm getting right back out I'd
rather be by myself I'd rather journal I'd rather make a
youtube video I'd rather take my beautiful dogs out for a walk I would
rather hang out with you know my in my bird Avery I would rather but I am
highly sensitive and tend to be an introvert believe it or not but I would
much rather surround myself with books that I love and nature and go on a
nature walk then extend my energy in relationships with people who whose
agenda it is not to see me like that's just okay see you later alligator so I
hope this has inspired you please keep your questions coming I love them and I
try to comment to everybody in my in the channel description down stat anybody
that leaves comments below you can check my stuff out at WWE link self-esteem
calm and WWH Isle of Alcoholic life coach calm teleseminars starting March 7
I also have a free event coming up March 8th it's a one-hour event it's going to
be a webinar and if you're interested in signing up you must sign up and because
I will only be giving the link to the people who sign up it's a one-time event
I will be hosting future events in obviously in the future I will be
hosting more events obviously in the future look forward to that you can
check that out at WWE link self-esteem comm if you're interested in coaching
with me one on one you can drop me an email and healing self-esteem at
gmail.com and we'll just set that right up take care and buddy bye