>>> ACCORDING TO THE CDC, 20
PEOPLE ARE ABUSED BY INTIMATE PARTNERS EVERY MINUTE.NTIMATE
PARTNERS EVERY MINUTE. THATS AT LEAST 10 MILLION CASES
OF DMESOMESTIC ABUSE EACH YEAR.
WOMEN OF AFFLUENT BACKGROUNDS
AND EDUCATION MAY STAY LONGER IN
AN ABUSER RELATIONSHIP.
THE LONGER THEY SAYTAY, THE MORE
DIFFICULT THEIR ESCAPE MAY BE. >> HIS FIST WENT IN THE WALLE.
>> HIS FIST WENT IN THE WALL RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD, BARELY MIDZ
MISSED ME.
AN I THOUGHT, THATS IT.
THAT COULD BE ME.
>> YOURE FIGHTING MORE AND YOU GET USED TO THE FIGHTING.D YOU
GET USED TO THE FIGHTING. AND THEN, AT SOME POINT, MAYBE I
REALIZED, WERE NOT ACTUALLY FIGHTING. WERE NOT ACTUALLY
FIGHTING.
IM JUST GETTING YELLED AT. >> I GET TWO TO THREE NEW WOMEN
CALLING ME EVERY DAY.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, MANY OF THEM
THINK THEYRE ALL ALONE.
>> Reporter: SANDY WAS MARRIED
TO A TECH EXECUTIVE IN SILICON
VALLEY.
SALLY WAS A SUBCUBA INSTRUCTOR A
HAD A MASTERS IN MARINE BIOLOGY. AND RUTH HAS A SUPPORT GROUPOGY.
AND RUTH HAS A SUPPORT GROUP AFTER SUFFERING THROUGH ABUSE
HERSELF.
THEY ALL THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT ABUSE LOOKED LIKE.HEY KNEW WHAT
ABUSE LOOKED LIKE. YET, EACH SUFFERED AT THE HANDS
OF AN ABUSER.
>> THEYRE POWERFUL, THEYRE
EXECUTIVES, THEYRE WELL-KNOWN.
ITS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN TO
LEAVE AND BE ALSO PUBLIC WITH
THAT.
THAT.
>> I WOULD NEVER HAVE IMAGINED
THAT I WOULD BE IN THAT SITUATION.LD BE IN THAT
SITUATION.
HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY SO
MUCH AND BE SO AFRAID OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME? AFRAID OF THEM AT
THE SAME TIME? >> BECAUSE OF THE SHAME, THE
FEAR, THE SOCIAL STIGMA, MANY
TIMES WOMEN HAVE NOT REACHED OUT
TO THE POLICE.
>> Reporter: WHILE PHYSICAL
ABUSE GETS MORE ACKNOWLEDGMENT,
IT IS THE MENTAL ABUSE, THE LOSS
OF IDENTITY, THAT CAN BE MORE
INSIDIOUS.
INSIDIOUS.
>> THE PHYSICAL ABUSE, YOU CAN
GO TO SOMEBODY AND SAY, IVE GOT A BLACK EYE.DY AND SAY, IVE GOT
A BLACK EYE. MY HUSBAND IS A BAD MAN.
HE SHOULDNT BE DOING THIS TO
ME.
ME.
BUT YOU GO TO SOMEBODY AND SAY
MY HUSBAND YELLS AT ME ALL THE
TIME, HE SCREAMS AT ME, AND IM
AFRAID.
PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE, WELL, YOU KNOW.E ARE JUST LIKE, WELL, YOU
KNOW.
>> Reporter: AFTER YEARS OF ABUSE, SALLY SAYS SHE BEGAN TO
DEVELOP SEVERE COMPLEX PTSD OF
THE DISASSOCIATEIVE TYPE.
>> I WOULD START TOGET REALLY
FUZZY.
FUZZY.
>> Reporter: IT WASNT UNTIL THE
ABUSE WAS AT HER SON THAT SHE RESOLVED TO GET OUT. THAT SHE
RESOLVED TO GET OUT. >> MY EX STARTED TO TREAT MY SON
AWE HE WAS TREATING ME.
>> Reporter: SALLY GOT OUT BUT
REALIZED HER FIGHT WAS JUST
BEGINNING.
BEGINNING.
SANDY WAS IN A SIMILAR SITUATION.IN A SIMILAR
SITUATION.
>> A LOT OF ANGER ON HIS PART THAT CAME OUT TOWARDS ME AND THE
CHILDREN.
CHILDREN.
AND THEN, IT ESCALATED. AS IT DID, I LEFT, I TOOK THE
KIDS WITH ME.
I THOUGHT I DID ALL THE RIGHT
HIDDEN ABUSE IN MARRIAGES WHERE
SOME MIGHT NOT EXPECT TO FIND
IT.
PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE, WHO MAY
SEEM TO HAVE IT ALL.
BACK WITH ME NOW, RUTH PATRICK, SANDY HARVEY AND SALLY DAVIES.,
SANDY HARVEY AND SALLY DAVIES. SANDY, LET ME PICK IT UP WITH
YOU BECAUSE THATS WHERE OUR
TAPED PIECE ENDED.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY. >> YOUR HUSBAND WAS A SUCCESSFUL
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVE.
YOU WERE SEPARATED.
YOU HAD LEFT YOUR 5-YEAR-OLD SON
WITH HIM FOR A WEEKEND VISIT.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. >> AND THEN THE MORNING -- IT
WAS A SUNDAY MORNING?
>> WELL, IN THE END, IM THE ONE
THAT FOUND HIM.
BUT WE SPOKE THE NIGHT BEFORE
AND WE WERE DISCUSSING DIVORCE.
WE WERE SELLING THE HOUSE AND SO
ON.
ON.
AND IT WAS A CALM DISCUSSION,
LIKE YOU AND I ARE HAVING.
BUT IN THE MORNING, THEY WERE
DEAD.
HE SHOT AND KILLED OUR
5-YEAR-OLD SON AND THEN HIMSELF. AND YOU KNOW, ITS NOT -- THINGS.
AND YOU KNOW, ITS NOT -- THINGS LIKE THIS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO
HAPPEN.
HAPPEN.
BUT SOMETIMES WE JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHATS REALLY GOING
ON WITH SOMEBODY.
AND I THINK IF ANYTHING, I
REALLY HAVE LEARNED IS THAT, IT
TAKES TIME.
TAKES TIME. IT JUST -- YOU THINK, LIKE I
SAID, YOU THINK YOU KNOW
SOMEBODY.
SOMEBODY.
WHEN YOURE LEAVING, I HAD LEFT, WE WERE SEPARATED FOR A YEAR.T,
WE WERE SEPARATED FOR A YEAR. YOU STILL HAVE TO PROTECT
YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS.
>> HE HAD EMOTIONALLY ABUSED
YOU.
YOU.
HE HAD PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOUR CHILDREN.YSICALLY ABUSED YOUR
CHILDREN. >> MOSTLY, THE TWO OLDER ONES.
AND IT WAS TOUGH ON THEM.
>> I KNOW THAT SO MANY WOMEN
STAY IN THESE ABUSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE SAKE OF
THE CHILDREN.
THE CHILDREN. >> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
AND ITS NOT NECESSARILY THE RIGHT THING TO DO.ARILY THE
RIGHT THING TO DO. SOMETIMES ITS BETTER TO LEAVE
AND TAKE THE KIDS AND CHANGE THE
SITUATION.
SITUATION.
AND IT IS POSSIBLE TO REBUILD. THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO.
AND FOR A WHILE, I WAS ISOLATED
AND I HAD TO LEARN WHAT TO DO
AND HOW TO DO IT.
BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU KNOW, WERE
GETTING SUPPORT AND
UNDERSTANDING ALL OF THIS
BETTER.
BETTER. AND YOU KNOW, RUTHS GROUP,
WOMEN S.V. AND COUNSELING AND
OTHER AVENUES, YOU CAN REALLY
MAKE PROGRESS.
MAKE PROGRESS.
>> RUTH, I KNOW YOU, TOO, ARE A SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC ABUSE.RE A
SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. AND YOU FORMED THIS AMAZING
GROUP FOR WOMEN WHO FELT TOO
ISOLATED TO REACH OUT TO
ANYBODY.
THERES ALMOST A STIGMA BECAUSE
THEYRE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO
MANAGE IT.
I KNOW THERES A SAYING, NO ONE
CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM ON A FIVE-ACRE ESTATE.AM ON A
FIVE-ACRE ESTATE. BUT THEY SUFFER.
THEY SUFFER JUST AS MUCH AS
LOWER INCOME WOMEN DO WHEN IT
COMES TO PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL
ABUSE.
ABUSE. ITS PROBABLY NO ACCIDENT THAT
HER HUSBAND TOOK THE LIFE OF
THEIR CHILD AND HIS OWN LIFE
WHEN HE HAD BEEN TOLD ITS OVER.
THATS A DANGEROUS PERIOD.
>> YES.
>> YES. THE DYNAMICS OF POWER AND
CONTROL ARE THE SAME.
IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT ECONOMIC
AREA YOU COME FROM.
BUT THE MORE MONEY, THE MORE
POWER, THE MORE INFLUENCE YOU
HAVE, THE EASIER IT IS TO WIELD
THE POWER AND CONTROL AND
COERCE.
COERCE.
THEN, YOU HAVE THIS IMAGE ON THE
OUTSIDE THAT YOURE THIS FINE, UPSTANDING CITIZEN, A PILLAR OF
THE COMMUNITY.
THE COMMUNITY. ITS ALMOST LIKE DR. JEKYLL AND
MR. HYDE.
MR. HYDE. >> AND THEY USE FINANCES AND
THEIR POWER AGAINST THE WOMEN,
IN CLEVER WAYS.
>> ITS ALL ABOUT CONTROL AND
GETTING INSIDE THEIR HEAD.
THERES A TERM CALLED
GASLIGHTING, WHERE YOU CAN
MANIPULATE AND BRAINWASH SOMEONE
TO THE POINT THEY ARE DOUBTING
THEIR MEMORY.
THEIR MEMORY. OVER THE TIME, THEY DOUBT THEIR
SANITY.
SANITY.
AND THEY START TO DOUBT REALITY. IF YOU COUPLE THAT WITH THELITY.
IF YOU COUPLE THAT WITH THE PARTNERS ATTEMPT TO MAKE ALL
KINDS OF ALLEGATIONS THAT
THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THEM AND THEY GET MORE ISOLATED
OVER TIME, ITS COMMON FOR WOMEN
TO LOSE THEIR FRIENDS, LOSE
THEIR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS.
THEIR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS CAN BE
TURNED AGAINST THEM BECAUSE
THEYRE THAT POWERFUL.
THESE ARE SUCCESSFUL, POWERFUL
PEOPLE RUNNING COMPANIES.
NO ONE WOULD GUESS THEY HAD DARK
SIDE.
SIDE.
ITS ABOUT CONTROL IN TEND.
>> SALLY, YOU MET YOUR HUSBAND WHEN YOU WERE 24? YOUR HUSBAND
WHEN YOU WERE 24? >> YEAH, 24.
>> HE WAS RUNNING HIS OWN COMPANY.S RUNNING HIS OWN
COMPANY.
WHEN DID YOU FIRST REALIZE THAT
YOU HAD BEEN ABUSED?
>> I DONT THINK THAT MY EYES WERE REALLY OPENED UNTIL WES
WERE REALLY OPENED UNTIL WE STARTED TO RECEIVE COUPLES
THERAPY AND THINKING THAT IT WAS
GOING TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE AND
THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THE COMMUNICATION OR THATS WHY
WERE FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.
AND THEN, ONCE I STARTED -- WE
STARTED TALKING TO A THERAPIST,
DR. H., SHE QUICKLY REALIZED
THAT IT WAS SOMETHING A LOT MORE
SERIOUS.
SERIOUS. >> ITS BEEN CHARACTERIZED BY
THE COURTS AS SEVERE EMOTIONAL
ABUSE THAT YOU SUFFERED.
SO SEVERE, THAT THE COURT WOUND
UP GIVING YOU CUSTODY OF YOUR
CHILD, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS RAISED
IN ST. MARTEN, WHERE IT WAS THE
FIRST TIME TO REMOVE A CHILD
FROM HIS COUNTRY OF ORORIGIN.
CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE
DISSOCIATIVE STATES THAT YOU
WOULD GO INTO.
>> MY BRAIN WAS PROTECTING
MYSELF IN A WAY.
AND WHEN SOMETHING BAD WOULD
HAPPEN, ITS ALMOST LIKE
COMFORTING.
COMFORTING.
YOU CLOSE DOWN.
AND THEN, YOU DEVELOP THESE
DIFFERENT STATES LIKE, I DONT
KNOW.
ONE OF THEM WAS LIKE A LITTLE MOUSE. THEM WAS LIKE A LITTLE
MOUSE.
I FEEL LIKE A TINY MOUSE.
THAT -- I DONT KNOW, I GUESS THAT APPEASED HIM IN SOME WAY.
>> WOULD HE YELL AT YOU?
WHAT WAS THE ABUSE LIKE?
ITS THIS SORT OF CONSISTENT,
ALWAYS PRESENT FEAR.
AND IT CAN BE SOMETHING, YOU
KNOW, AS SMALL AS JUST YELLING
AND RAGING.
AND RAGING. IT CAN QUICKLY ESCALATE.
BUT ITS ALSO, YOU KNOW,
CONSTANTLY QUESTIONING YOUR
MEMORY AND YOUR SANITY.
>> THE GASLIGHTING.
>> TO THE POINT WHERE YOU THINK,
WHAT IS REAL?
IS THIS REAL?
IM NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
>> THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE
LITTLE GIRLS ARE TAUGHT ABOUT
PHYSICAL ABUSE.
PHYSICAL ABUSE. THEY ARE NOT OFTEN TAUGHT ABOUT
EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE. AND THAT PSYCHOLOGICAL
MANIPULATION.
MANIPULATION.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU A WORD ON COUPLES THERAPY.OU A WORD ON
COUPLES THERAPY. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT POINT,
RUTH.
RUTH.
>> SO MANY OF MY LADIES WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH ABUSIVEIES WHO HAVE
BEEN THROUGH ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS HAVE TRIED COUPLES
COUNSELING.
COUNSELING.
THERES SOME THERAPYISTS WHO ARE WELL VERSED IN IT.YISTS WHO ARE
WELL VERSED IN IT. BUT THEY DONT GET A LOT OF
EDUCATION IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
THEY GO IN THINKING ITS A
COMMUNICATION ISSUE OR IF
THEYRE ONLY MORE ASSERTIVE.
AND UNFORTUNATELY THE ABUSER CAN
CREATE AN ALIGNMENT WITH THE
THERAPIST, AND IT CAN BE THE TWO
OF THEM FIXING HER.
AND IF SHE SAYS SOMETHING THAT
HURT HER, HE CAN SAY ITS
SHAMING TO HIM.
AND IT CAN COLLUDE WITH THE
ABUSER.
ABUSER.
>> I KNOW YOU SAY ITS DANGEROUS
IF YOU STAY, AND ITS DANGEROUS
IF YOU GO.
>> SAFETY PLANNING NEVER STOPS. IT NEVER STOPS.ING NEVER STOPS.
IT NEVER STOPS. THEY ARE PUNITIVE AND THEY ARE
VENGEFUL
VENGEFUL VENGEFUL.
VENGEFUL. >> I WANT TO TELL THE AUDIENCE,
WE DID REACH OUT TO SALLYS
EX-HUSBAND, CHRIS DAVIES.
HE DENIES THE ABUSES CLAIMS
AGAINST HIM, AND CLAIMS THAT THE
COURTS WERE UNFAIR IN THEIR
RULING FOR THE CUSTODY OF THEIR
SON.
SON.
WERE GLAD YOURE WELL AND
UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS DANGEROUS THE FIRST COUPLE YEARS
AFTER YOU LEAVE.
WERE WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST
AND APPLAUD YOUR COURAGE FOR
BEING HERE.
BEING HERE.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO REACH OUT
TO RUTH, REGARDING HER SUPPORT