WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THIS WEEKEND, I'M SURE, THAT
YOU, LIKE ME, WERE HORRIFIED BY THE SCALE OF THE DEVASTATION IN
FLORIDA. OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYONE
DOWN THERE, BUT WHAT THEY REALLY NEED IS OUR SUPPORT.
SO IF YOU WANT TO DONATE, WE HAVE PINNED A LIST OF CHARITIES
TO THE TOP OF OUR TWITTER PAGE, @COLBERT LATE SHOW.
THANKFULLY, HELP IS ALREADY ON THE WAY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS APPROVED AN EMERGENCY DECLARATION FOR
FLORIDA, AND FEDERAL AID HAS BEEN MADE AVAILABLE TO THE
STATE. WELL, THANK GOODNESS!
THE ROADS DOWN THERE ARE A MESS, PEOPLE'S HOMES ARE
DESTROYED, AND ALL THAT'S LEFT OF EPCOT ARE THE BORING PARTS--
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS EPCOT.
THINGS WILL HOPEFULLY START TO GET BETTER SOON, NO THANKS TO
FLORIDA'S CONGRESSPEOPLE. ON THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, THE
HOUSE AND THE SENATE BOTH APPROVED A BILL THAT INCLUDED
OVER $18 BILLION TO HELP STATES WITH NATURAL DISASTERS.
YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED WHO VOTED AGAINST IT: ALL 16 G.O. P.
MEMBERS OF FLORIDA'S CONGRESSIONAL TEAM, AND FLORIDA
SENATOR RICK SCOTT, SEEN HERE SCREAMING "AVADA KEDAVRA."
( LAUGHTER )
VOTE. REALLY?
NORMALLY HE'S SO EASY TO FIND. "MARCO!"
( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, HE DOESN'T LIKE THE SCAMDALORIAN. THAT.
SO HE LASHED OUT THIS WEEKEND ON SOCIAL MEDIA AGAINST SENATE
MINORITY LEADER AND LOVECHILD OF BEAKER AND BUNSEN HONEYDEW
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL. >> Louis: WOW!
>> Stephen: SEE, McCONNELL THAT'S SCARY! VOTED
TO KEEP THE GOVERNMENT OPERATING, WHICH THE FORMER
PRESIDENT EVIDENTLY OPPOSES, LEADING HIM TO WRITE OF
McCONNELL, "HE HAS A DEATH WISH."
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE SAW THAT AS A THREAT, BUT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S SPOKESPERSON INSISTED, NO, THE REFERENCE TO A
DEATH WISH WAS "POLITICAL" RATHER THAN LITERAL.
OKAY. BUT IT'S NEVER GREAT WHEN YOU
HAVE TO CLARIFY THAT YOUR DEATH THREAT IS A METAPHOR:
"I WANT THIS MOB TO MARCH ON MY OPPONENT'S HOUSE-- FIGURATIVELY,
WHICH IS 'METAPHORICALLY' AT 471 PINECONE ROAD, AND LEAVE
A SEVERED HORSE HEAD IN HIS BED... AS AN ALLEGORY....
FOR HIS HEAD." THE FORMER PRESIDENT CONTINUED
BY GOING AFTER McCONNELL'S WIFE, WHO WAS HIS TRANSPORTATION
SECRETARY, ELAINE CHAO, SAYING McCONNELL MUST IMMEDIATELY SEEK
HELP AND ADVISE FROM HIS CHINA LOVING WIFE, COCO CHOW!
WHAT THE HELL COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO EXPLANATIONS. ONE, THAT'S OVERT RACISM.
OR TWO, HE'S SAYING SHE'S KIBBLE FOR CONAN O'BRIEN.
( LAUGHTER )
CNN'S DANA BASH ASKED RICK ANYTHING OFFENSIVE. SCOTT
WHAT HE THOUGHT. >> THIS APPEARS RACIST.
IS THAT OKAY? >> I HOPE NO ONE IS RACIST.
I HOPE NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.
>> Stephen: TOO LATE.
HOPE ALL YOU WANT.
IT'S LIKE WRITING ON A HEADSTONE, "I HOPE BILL DIDN'T
DIE."
PRESIDENT'S ALLIES: VLADIMIR PUTIN.
LAST WEEK, HE FORCED FOUR REGIONS OF OCCUPIED EASTERN
UKRAINE TO HOLD SHAM VOTES IN FAVOR OF JOINING RUSSIA, AND ON
FRIDAY, HE GAVE A BIG SPEECH ANNOUNCING RUSSIA WOULD
OFFICIALLY ANNEX THEM. CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.
YOU'RE NOW PART OF RUSSIA, SO YOU CAN NOW ENJOY RUSSIA'S
NATIONAL PASTIME: FLEEING RUSSIA.
IN HIS SPEECH, PUTIN BOASTED ABOUT HOW POWERFUL RUSSIA IS.
>> (translated): RUSSIA IS A GREAT MILLENNIAL POWER.
>> Stephen: OH, RUSSIA IS A TOTAL MILLENNIAL.
( LAUGHTER )
LOVE AVOCADO TOAST, WHICH IN RUSSIA ...
IS POTATO.
NOW-- THEY REMEMBERED!pTHEY REM! NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,
"STEVE, THAT IS CRAZY, BUT AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SEAL THE DEAL BY
DOING A WEIRD HAND-PILE WITH ALL THE FAKE LEADERS OF HIS FAKE NEW
WELL, PERSON I JUST MADE UP: PROVINCES." YOU
ARE WRONG: HOLY SHORTY!
OR WAS IT "TAKE YOUR CREEPY IS THAT PUTIN IN THE MIDDLE, LITTLE
SON TO WORK DAY?"
IT OF LOOKED WEIRD BUT-- IT LOOK WEIRD, BUT IT GOT WEIRDER.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T QUITE HEAR WHAT THAT IS.
CAN YOU TURN THAT UP, JIM. I CAN'T HEAR WHAT THEY'RE
CHANTING. JIM, CAN YOU TURN UP THE
AUDIENCE MICS? >> LET'S GO YANKEES!
>> Stephen: WOW, EVERYONE WANTS AARON JUDGE TO HIT 62.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE. PITCH TO HIM!
HE ALSO MADE THIS SWEEPING DECREE:
>> (translated): I WANT EVERYONE TO REMEMBER THIS: THE
PEOPLE LIVING IN LUHANSK AND DONETSK, IN KHERSON AND
ZAPORIZHZHIA HAVE BECOME OUR CITIZENS FOREVER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT! FOREVER!
OR, SEVERAL MINUTES, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
BECAUSE WHILE PUTIN WAS SPEAKING, UKRAINIAN FORCES WERE
RETAKING THE STRATEGIC CITY OF LYMAN.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE OLD SAYING--
IT'S JUST LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LYMANS,
UKRAINIAN FORCES WILL CRUSH YOU AND TAKE THEM BACK WITHIN 24
HOURS."
( APPLAUSE )
RUSSIAN FORCES IN RECENTLY TODAY, THEY ALSO OVERRAN -ANNEXED
KHERSON.
SO QUICKLY LOCALS DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO LEARN THAT THEY HAD BEEN
ANNEXED. THIS IS TRUE.
WHEN ONE RESIDENT WAS INFORMED SHE WAS BRIEFLY RUSSIAN, SHE
REPLIED, "I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT."
IT'S FUNNY TO ME, BECAUSE IT RECALLS A SAYING, 'WITHOUT ME,
THEY MARRIED ME." WOW, EASTERN EUROPEAN SAYINGS
ARE SO SAD.
BABY WITH BATHWATER. YOU WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD BABY
SOUP!'" I ANWAR SADAT!
I DID WARN YOU THAT THEY'RE ALL VERY SAD.
AS A TECHNICAL REASON, THE RUSSIAN ARMY'S GETTING ITS ASs
ACCORDING TO ONE UKRAINIAN S KICKED: IT SUCKS. UNIT
COMMANDER, THE RUSSIAN TROOPS HE'S FACED HAVE BEEN WEARING
FLIP-FLOPS, AND HE EVEN SAW TWO RUSSIAN SOLDIERS WHO HAD
ONLY ONE GUN BETWEEN THEM.
DISCUSSED THIS. ON TUESDAYS, I HOLD GUN, YOU
TOMORROW, I WEAR FLIP, YOU HOLD BULLETS! WEAR
FLOP."
FOCUS UP RIGHT HERE BECAUSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND THERE HAS
BEEN A DEVASTATING SCANDAL IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS.
AT A FISHING TOURNAMENT IN CLEVELAND ON FRIDAY, A DUO THAT
HAD BEEN DECLARED WINNERS WERE CAUGHT CHEATING.
OF COURSE, THIS IS FISHING, SO AFTER THEY WERE CAUGHT, THEY
WERE RELEASED.
I DIDN'T REALIZE-- I DIDN'T REALIZE I DESERVED THAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.
NOW, IT'S A LAKESIDE FISHING SCANDAL SO EXPLOSIVE, MANY ARE
CALLING IT "WATERGATE." >> I AM NOT A CARP!
( LAUGHTER ).
THEY PUNCHED THAT CARP. THAT'S VERY NICE.
THE CONTROVERSY HAPPENED AT THE LAKE ERIE WALLEYE TRAIL
CHAMPIONSHIP, WHERE JUDGES GREW SKEPTICAL WHEN FIVE FISH,
ESTIMATED TO BE ABOUT FOUR POUNDS EACH, WEIGHED IN AT
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THE NEARLY 34 POUNDS. JUDGES
SMELLED SOMETHING... SUSPICIOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
CAUGHT TRYING TO CHEAT THEIR WAY TO A $28,000 PRIZE:
>> WE GOT WEIGHTS IN FISH! GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE!
CALL THE COPS! I'LL EXECUTE HIM.
THAT'S (BLEEP) THEFT, (BLEEP). CALL THE (BLEEP) COPS.
CALL THEM, THEN. ( BLEEP )
JASON, WE GOTTA FILE A POLICE REPORT.
CALL THEM THEN. ALL OF THEM.
EVERY (BLEEP) ONE. ALL OF THEM.
EVERY SINGLE (BLEEP) FISH. >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT GOT REAL
HEATED REAL FAST. THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, EVERY
PARKING LOT IN OHIO COMES WITH A STOCKPILE OF ANGRY DADS IN BASS
PRO SHOP HATS: "AM I DRUNK, OR AM I JUST LIKE
THIS? THIS IS OBVIOUSLY ABOUT
SOMETHING MUCH DEEPER, MAYBE MY DAD!
HE WAS SO ANGRY, AND I NEVER KNEW WHY.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A LEAD I'M SO ANGRY! WEIGHT
INSIDE OF ME! SOMEBODY WEIGH ME!
I CAN'T BE THIS HEAVY!"
AAARs RRHHHH! THESE CHEATERS WEREN'T JUST
JUICING THE FISH WITH LEAD. TAKE A LOOK:
>> A FILETED FISH. >> A PLILAY, YEAH.
IT'S A WALLEYE FILET. >> Stephen: THEY PUT FISH
INSIDE THEIR FISH. YOU CAN FIND IT ALL IN THE
NEW DISNEY CLASSIC: "FINDING NEMO...
STUFFED WITH OTHER NEMOS." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. THE CREATOR OF "VEEP" AND
"AVENUE 5," ARMANDO IANNUCCI IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NANCY
PELOSI. RIGHT THERE.
♪ ♪ ♪