- Hey grokites!
As I've talked about before, I'm divorced.
And although divorce is difficult and sad,
my ex-husband and I have found
that it doesn't necessarily have to be tragic or hostile.
The YouTube video I did about divorce
resinated with so many people
and I hear from family and friends all of the time
how amazing they think my ex and I are.
Although I'm flattered,
I've decided to come clean about something.
Even five plus years after my divorce,
I still struggle a lot.
The emotional carnage of divorce is always there
even if you co-parent so well.
Raise children as if you're best friends,
share in the other's joy and loses.
Because the life that you built together
is no longer there and that's sad.
One of the things that's been hardest for me
to come to terms with is my wedding day.
Now although I never had like a oh my God
this is the happiest day of my life bride moment,
I entered into a covenant with a man,
according to the laws of Moses and Israel.
And I had two children
from that divine commitment and covenant.
Like wow, that is really heavy.
My wedding was very simple, by most people's standards.
However, it still left me
with a lot of things to grapple with.
Specifically stuff, like think of all the stuff
that you collect from a wedding.
If you've ever been married,
you likely have a wedding dress
or a tuxedo stashed somewhere.
If you're Jewish, you probably have
a Jewish wedding contract known as a ketubah
which is part of an elaborate piece of art
that is the literal embodiment of your marriage.
You also may have jewelry or shoes
or a saved wedding invitation.
Maybe even a piece of wedding cake in the freezer.
And for sure, you have tons of photos
and maybe even a VHS tape or a CD.
Back when I got married, there was no such thing as digital.
You kids, you're so crazy with your DVD's.
If you end up getting divorced,
you might think these kinds of things
which I literally have never articulated before.
Look how much money I wasted on all of this stuff.
Why did I think that I could ever succeed at being married?
These things remind me of my failure.
If I throw all of this away,
can I also be rid of my shame
and my sadness and my anger and my regret?
Practically speaking and sometimes you get so overwhelmed
with shame and sadness and anger and regret
that you have to get practical really fast.
How do you deal with this?
One option is to formally put off the acknowledgement
that you're divorced and just live in a state of denial.
I mean, sure, if you don't look at the stuff everyday,
you can fool yourself into thinking that you've moved on.
But then one day, you might maybe start dating someone
and they might be like, what's with all this wedding stuff?
Are you still hung up on your ex and your old life?
And you'll be like, what?
No, no!
Why would I, that's ridiculous!
No, yes!
Yes I am!
Yes.
I've heard that that happens to some people.
On the other end of the spectrum of choices,
you could just do a complete purge
and basically deny that you were ever married.
Junk that dress, turn it into bedding
for your miniature hamsters.
I've heard that some people do that.
Shred your invitation and all of your pictures.
You know, take your wedding album
and just burn it and dance around it like Rumpelstiltskin.
Some people might do that, I've heard.
A friend of mine had kept everything from her wedding
and several years after her divorce,
she was finally ready to get rid of it.
I wondered at the time if that was the approach
that I should take too.
Because she and I had been divorced
around the same amount of time
and I hadn't gotten rid of anything.
The idea of purging everything was impossible
for me to think about and it literally paralyzed me
for a really long time.
Because I'm such a sentimental person,
the thought of getting rid of things
that had such emotional value terrified me.
I continued to think about this for a long time.
Like, years.
And the decision that I came to,
mind you, this is very recently.
Falls somewhere between purging and preserving everything.
And what stopped me from purging was two things, my sons.
I've come to understand that my wedding
is not simply a representation
of my inability to remain married to someone.
It represents a time in my life
when I made a sincere, mature, responsible decision
to form a life with another person.
And we then, formed two other lives.
The person I was then,
is important for my sons to know about.
And the same is true of my ex-husband
and the relationship that we had.
I have shown my sons the pictures from my wedding day
and they have been delighted to see pictures
of their grandparents from nearly 20 years ago.
They're able to see what their great grandparents
looked like and they're able to see in these pictures
and memories the men and the women
who were our extended family
and in many cases, our surrogate family.
They see me and their father looking very much in love.
Because we were in love and I want them to know
that that look was what created them.
And so, I have pared down the photos.
I've kept my wedding albums, I keep them lined up
with all of the other photo albums
and memories that I can't run from.
Even if I want to.
The stunning Victorian dress that I wore
to my wedding is sealed in an acid free box.
The same way it was the day it came back
from the cleaners almost 20 years ago.
It's in the attic and it's safe.
You know, that's its place.
Everything is finding its place
because all of it, every single thing
contributed to the two miraculous souls
that have been entrusted to me.
So whatever you decide to do with the remains
of your wedding day, please know that even beautiful things
can come from the toughest situations.
Despite my sentimentality, I have moved on.
And my ex-husband has as well.
But part of our commitment to our children
is to show them that the bond that we forged
and our commitment to them still endures.
We parent together and although we are not married anymore,
I remain eternally grateful that we were
because in that union, we created the world again, twice.
Did you like that video about weddings?
If you did, I've got a bunch more right here on YouTube.
See if you can find them all.
Just kidding, the links are below.
Check them out, like them if you like them.
Subscribe and share.