- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE EXCITED ABOUT
TONIGHT'S MEGA MILLIONS LOTTERY DRAWING.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
[cheers and applause]
BUT I KNOW WHY YOU'RE EXCITED.
YOU'RE EXCITED 'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE FOR 12 DAYS.
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S LIKE THE LOTTERY,
BUT WORTH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LESS.
[laughter]
AWW.
TONIGHT'S MEGA MILLIONS IS UP TO $590 MILLION.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE,
IT'S $590 MILLION.
[laughter]
THINK HOW MANY LOTTERY TICKETS YOU COULD BUY IF YOU WIN.
THAT'D BE AMAZING.
AND THEN THEY CHANGED THE SYSTEM.
IT'S EVEN HARDER TO WIN NOW.
YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO PICK NUMBERS
FROM BETWEEN 1 AND 56.
SIX NUMBERS BETWEEN 1 AND 56.
AND NOW YOU PICK SIX NUMBERS BETWEEN 1 AND 75.
AND THAT MEANS YOUR CHANCES WENT FROM "NOT GONNA WIN"
TO "DEFINITELY NOT GONNA WIN."
YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING
ARE 1 IN 259 MILLION.
[audience groans]
THEY SAY THAT YOU HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF BECOMING A SAINT
THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?
TO BECOME A SAINT,
YOU HAVE TO PERFORM THREE MIRACLES.
TO WIN THE LOTTERY, YOU JUST HAVE TO CRAVE A TAQUITO
AND WANDER INTO A 7-ELEVEN AT MIDNIGHT.
[cheers and applause] THAT'S NOT--
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
[cheers and applause]
BUT EVEN WITH THOSE ODDS, PEOPLE STILL PLAY.
AND THEN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT STRATEGIES
THAT THEY THINK IS GONNA HELP THEM WIN.
THEY PLAY THEIR CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAYS,
OR THEY GO TO THE GOOD 7-ELEVEN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY FIGURE OUT WHICH THE GOOD--
WHAT THAT IS.
MAYBE IT'S THE ONE WHERE THE BATHROOM DOOR LOCKS.
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, THEY PICK THE NUMBERS REALLY THAT--
UH, IT'S--YOU--THEY--
THIS IS HOW THEY PICK IT:
USING PING-PONG BALLS.
AND HOW HAVE THEY NOT UPDATED THAT TECHNOLOGY BY NOW?
THEY'RE SITTING ON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
AND YET THE FATE IS DETERMINED BY THE SAME SYSTEM
YOUR GRANDMOTHER USES TO PLAY BINGO.
IT MIGHT BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN,
BUT I SAY YOU GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT,
SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT 400 TICKETS.
[cheers and applause]
400.
YEP.
[cheers and applause]
SO-- SO I HAVE THESE.
DID Y'ALL BUY ANY?
[laughter]
NO, I GOT YOU SOME.
I GOT A TAQUITO.
Y'ALL CAN SHARE A--ONE TAQUITO.
[cheers and applause] JUST A TINY BIT.
[cheers and applause]
NO, EACH OF YOU ARE GETTING A TICKET, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET A--
[cheers and applause]
I HOPE YOU WIN, AND IF YOU DO,
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU NOMINATE ME FOR SAINTHOOD.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
AND NOW...
LET'S-- [cheers and applause]
LET'S BE OPTIMISTIC
AND CELEBRATE WITH AN EARLY VICTORY DANCE.