What's up everyone, my name is Ashley Wylde and welcome to my channel. I am here
to tell you that you might think you are polyamorous, but you are not. Okay
obviously some of you are polyamorous, like this is not like a sweeping
generalization. I'm not trying to put a blanket over the entire universe and say
"everyone's not polyamorous, polyamory doesn't exist" that's not what's happening
here. I am telling you - you might be someone who thinks you are in a
polyamorous relationship, and you aren't. I'm gonna start by reading a couple
different definitions of polyamory because there are subtle distinctions
and I think having multiple definitions gives a broader perspective of what
we're actually talking about here. Merriam-webster dictionary defines
polyamory as the state or practice of having more than one open romantic
relationship at time. Dictionary.com says the practice or condition of
participating simultaneously in more than one serious romantic or sexual
relationship with the knowledge and consent of all partners, and Urban
Dictionary says the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual
loving relationship at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of
all partners involved. There's some massive key points here: polyamory
involves open relationships, it potentially involves multiple partners,
it necessitates open communication, honesty, and informed consent from all
parties involved... and that is the bullet point that I am hinging this video on.
I make the argument that for informed consent to be achieved at all, the
communication between two people needs to be completely devoid of any and all
emotional manipulation, coercion, and deception of any kind. There are too many
negative examples right now of negative relationships that are being portrayed
as polyamorous. These "poly" relationships usually include someone who, to one
degree or another, is emotionally manipulating their partners into a
situation or an agreement that they really have no interest in.
In polyamorous relationships partners need to be willing to communicate openly. They
need to take each other's insecurities and fears
seriously. They need to be gentle and validate another person's feelings:
jealousy, compersion, whatever those feelings might be. In a polyamorous
relationship, your partner should be aware of your
concerns, they should be open to your perspectives, and they should be
sensitive to your insecurities. That doesn't mean that they're never gonna do
something that doesn't press on an insecurity, but it does mean that they
need to treat you with gentleness and kindness around your sensitive spots. If
your partner doesn't listen to your worries, your fears, your uncertainties,
your insecurities - if your partner doesn't reassure you, if your partner
doesn't validate your feelings and tell you that it is okay to feel how you feel,
you are not in a polyamorous relationship. Because the opposite - not
having any idea how you feel about something, not validating your bad
feelings, not showing up for you when you're having a hard time... those are
signs of a really deeply unhealthy relationship. And it's not polyamory.
Polyamory requires commitment, so if your partner is using polyamory as an
excuse to shirk commitment, your relationship is not polyamorous.
Polyamory requires arguably more commitment than monogamy depending on
the situation, because you are committed to multiple people, you're committed to
being there, you're committed to caring for them, committed to validating their
experience, to processing with them when they're having a hard time. Polyamory is
not an excuse to cheat; if somebody cheats on you and they tell you it's
because of polyamory, your relationship is not polyamorous. Just because your
partner might be polyamorous doesn't excuse the betrayal, doesn't excuse the
cheating, doesn't mean your relationship had agreements in place that would allow
that person to act on their polyamory. And if that's not the case, your
relationship is not polyamorous. If your concerns or your protests go unheard,
unaddressed, unanswered by your partner, your consent cannot possibly be informed.
If you bring up an issue and your partner or partners refuse to address
or acknowledge what you have said or brought up, you cannot consent to the
relationship because your consent is no longer informed. If you say, "I am worried
that you are doing things that are outside of the agreements of our
relationship, and I feel worried that you're not
telling me," and your partner doesn't address your concern, doesn't tell you,
doesn't open up a dialogue about the ways you guys can build trust or how you
can communicate better, your consent is not informed. In a time where more and
more people know about polyamory, they know the word polyamorous, there's a
certain type of person, a certain type of emotional predator who is taking that
experience and using it for their own benefits. They're using language like "I
"identify as polyamorous and you need to honor my identity if you want to be a
"respectable partner." Relationships are about compromise, they're about sharing,
they're about building, they're about growth. If someone is telling you that
you have to be willing to be polyamorous in order to be a good person,
that's not polyamory, that's emotional manipulation. You always have the choice
to not be in that relationship. It may be true that you need to honor someone's
polyamorous identity to date them, but you don't have to be willing to be
polyamorous to be a good person. You can love someone with whom you shouldn't
have a relationship. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try polyamory if you have
a polyamorous partner and you feel like you might be monogamous. I'm not saying
that at all. There are relationships that successfully include both polyamorous
and monogamous people. What I am saying instead is that your feelings for
another person can be manipulated and that if someone is telling you that
they're polyamorous but they are not treating you with respect, dignity,
extensive communication, a care for your feelings and your concerns, and if you
don't feel like your consent is entirely informed, then you're not in a
polyamorous relationship, you're just in a toxic relationship. I hope that you all
have a wonderful week and I will see you again soon! Buh-bye