Hey friends! We are going to help you to know how to build trust in a marriage.
Because without trust, you're going to lose that credibility with each other and
you're going to have extra problems you really don't need to face. So watch
closely.
Hey, it's Kirk and Kim. We're lifestyle mentors. And today, we're going to talk about
a topic that comes up a lot. We currently teach a program here in
Salt Lake City called Royalty and Romance. -And we've been doing that class for like
10 years. -And we're in front of a lot of couples. We're talking like a thousand
people at a time. And one of the most common questions or concerns that comes
up in that class would they ask us and for advice is trust. -How to build trust
in a marriage? -So what is it? You know, like what's going on with the trust
factor? And so, we want to share with you what we're doing in our marriage and
also what we give as advice to other. -And how you can really improve that trust
between the two of you. -First step is this: Whatever you talk about, you got to
be as real as possible. As factual as possible. Minimize the exaggeration and
minimize... -Like you're not talking about the fish story that's like this big, okay?
Be realistic about that. -Over-promising an exaggeration will whittle down and
destroy trust. So be as real and factual as possible when you were talking as a
couple. And as you are planning and scheduling that you don't over promise.
-It's so easy. It is so easy to over promise and say, "Yes I'll do that, yes
I'll take care of this and yes I'll take care of that." And then all of a sudden,
you find yourself with too many things that you've said yes to and then it all
crumbles and then your spouse doesn't trust you because you didn't do what you
said you were going to do. -Sometimes, we get caught up in trying to impress our
spouse to gain trust but it actually we lose credibility. -Right. -And every time
you can't fulfill those over-promised events or exaggerated ideas that you
have, you're losing trust because of actual performance. Not because you're
trying to impress each other. So number one, cut down on the over-promising. Be
very real. It's better to do less number of things and get them done than trying
to do everything. So, that would be our first suggestion in helping build that
trust. -Number 2, when you mess up, fess up.
When you make a mistake just be okay with with letting your spouse know. "You
know what? I messed up. I made a mistake. I told you I was going to do that and I
didn't or I I messed up and I I broke this." And it's you're like... Oh, one time I
broke something of my husband it was like incredibly valuable and he had so...
-It was my it was my fish. -Like we bought it on a trip and he went to the extreme.
I searched for 4 days for this wood fish, is wood carved fish. -And you should have
seen how he packed it in the suitcase to get home. -I got it
like literally almost 12 hours away from here. I got to fly all the flights and
everything got here. -And I'm decorating his office and making it look all
amazing and cute. -She broke it. -Broke and so that of course I immediately I get
the glue. I glue the fish bag together and like thinking in my mind, "Maybe he
won't notice." -But what she did though, I thought was very, very, cool. She as soon
as I came home, she goes, I need to talk to you. But she made it sound like it was
the end of the world. That's a good. It was terrible. Butm but the thing is that
she confessed that she broke it. -I immediately... I cried. -In that moment
though, in that moment though, I... There was a level of trust that was built over a
broken thing. -Even though I so wanted to not tell him I wanted to just glue it
and pretend he would never see it. I wanted to make sure that I confessed. And
I told him I didn't want him to feel like you couldn't trust me. Because if I
if I can share with him those little things, I can share with him the big... That
was a big thing, that was a big thing. -Okay, okay. So the the experience here
listen to the experience. Even when something breaks trust can be built
in how you handle it. So this is number 2 is fess up when you mess up.
And don't hide it. -And now, you'll never forget. -Oh never forget. Every time I look
at my fish it's like, "Oh yeah, my wife broke that."
But she fess up. And she... And with this we do this with each other. And it's... -You
know... You look at the fish and it's not about my wife messed up.
Oh... I can trust her. -She'll tell me. Okay, now that leads into number 3, have
no hiding. -Yeah. No hiding your mistakes, no hiding, hiding
the bills from your spouse or... -When you buy that really expensive pair of shoes,
don't hide the receipt. When you as soon as you start hiding things from your
spouse, you are braking the trust. -Don't do that. -It escalates.
-Don't, don't, don't, do that. You got to be upfront. -Yes. -Because as soon as you start
hiding, you're going to lose trust from your spouse. -It starts little and then it gets
bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and you think, "Oh, I can just hide that
and I can just hide this." And then all of a sudden, you find yourself hiding things
you don't even need to hide. -And you may as you're listening to this. You may need
to go have some conversations and didn't get it cleaned up. Because if you... If you...
"It's okay, I don't need to tell my husband, I don't need to tell my wife." You
are the one who's breaking the trust not them. -Yeah. You're the one. And so you
decide where you want your level of trust to be. So maybe you need to take
them out to dinner and have a conversation. And kind of catch up on
some things. -Out do dinner is good too because it keeps the conversation more
quiet. -Yeah, there you go. Okay. -No. But
but I do have to say that when you do that, when you don't hide things from
each other, oh my goodness it makes such a
difference. Like seriously? -Yeah, because it could
spread into other things and that could cause more messes. You don't want that.
And you don't need that. Okay, number 4, a couple that shares thoughts and
feelings is open to each other. But to share thoughts and feelings, notice we're
not saying dump thoughts and feelings on each other. But share thoughts and
feelings. -One time, we were driving in our car down the street and I thought I was
sharing my thoughts and feelings. And my husband... -Does this apply it to this pretty
conversation? -It does. -Okay. -This is what he did. He rolls down the window and he
says, "If you have that kind of to say, say it out the window. Because..."
-Hold on, hold on. I said it a lot nicer than what you just said it. -Well, the way
I heard it was... -Okay and the reason you're bringing this up is? -Don't dump on
your spouse. You think, you think that when you're sharing your
thoughts and feelings, some... -Oh, you think you're sharing but it actually, actually
feels like you're dumping. -Yes. -Okay, now I give you a review. -Right. And so like,
we're driving down the street and all of a sudden, my husband rolls down the
window. And he says, "If you're going to dump on me,
do it out the window." -So, coming back to sharing. Sharing is when you're like, "Oh,
can I share something with you?" Now, the idea of sharing, sometimes men get
quiet and they don't share their thoughts and feelings. And sometimes
women are always sharing their thoughts and feelings. So... -Speaking from experience?
-Oh, as a husband and wife, be open to, "Okay, you shared your thoughts
feelings a lot, I need a break." -Or like it's my turn. -Yeah, it's my turn to
share my thoughts and feelings. But.. -Yeah couple... Here's the stick. You, here's the
Talking Stick. -So a couple that is open to share their thoughts and feelings.
Because you just want support or maybe they have ideas to help you. No dumping.
Or no expectation that thought to fix you. But stay open with those thoughts
and feelings because it builds trust day by day it builds trust. -I got to throw
a PS on this one. Men, when your wife or your you know, when you're in your
marriage, when your wife comes to you and she wants to just share her thoughts and
feelings, remember she's not a lawnmower. And she doesn't want to be fixed. She
just want you to listen. Like just listen. -You're not a lawnmower? -I don't want to
be fixed like a lawnmower.
-They're not machinery. Meaning, when they bring a problem to us, we don't get our
tools out and just start fixing it. -Right. -We listen. -With your ears. -We just listen.
You know how sometimes when we're talking, I have to ask you at the end. Is
this a real question or is this a shared question? -She may be tempted to ask you questions.
Don't answer those questions. -Okay. -Unless she says I really want an
answer. -Okay, we got to steal stuff again. -Probably... -So to build trust, the build
trust means to have open communication and know that you both are still, you
both are still learning how to be married. Remember, you're still learning.
And so there's give and take as you make mistakes. And as you are trying to do
things but the intention between the two of you is to have trust. And if you both
make it the intention to have trust, you're going to find it. -And your marriage
will be amazing. -Awesome. Okay, love you guys. Hope you enjoyed that and hope that'll
make a difference in the trust in your relationship. You're going to want to go
ahead and subscribe here because we've got some great information we'd like to
share more with you. -And check it out, maybe you want to attend Royalty and Romance
or at least get to one of our classes so you can take this to the next level.