So I'm a meat eater, but I support
animal rights--
hang with me on this-- which is why
I think we should stop
eating animals.
Instead, my suggestion, start eating
some of these crappy kids.
Say what you want, a chicken
has never kept me awake on a red eye
from Vegas to Miami.
(audience laughing)
Not one documented case of a cow
dropping out of school to open
a Meth lab.
Never once in my life ever has
a pig looked up at me and said,
"I don't have to listen to you.
"You're not my real dad."
No, really, that's adorable.
In the oven, Caitlin.
(audience laughing)
I like you people.
Out of the gate, nobody was on board
with that joke.
By the end of it,
you're all going all right,
I could eat a kid.
This guy made his case.
(audience laughing)
If you have kids, good for you.
I don't have that parental gene.
Therefore, I decide to not
reproduce.
I drove by a playground at recess
one day.
Gave myself a vasectomy.
(audience laughing)
I want a vasectomy because I fear
having a stupid kid.
That's got to stink.
(audience laughing)
And when I say that, I'm not talking
about a kid with a learning
disability.
I'm talking about a stupid kid
like my little cousin.
No, he's the kid where if you stuck
him in a room
with a fork and a toaster,
in five minutes he's dead.
That kind of stupid.
Let's be honest,
we all know somebody with a kid
like that.
If you don't, he's yours.
(audience laughing)
And I know that's the kid I would
have.
I know my DNA.
My issues down the line.
Believe me, I have more messed up
genes than TJ Maxx.
(audience laughing)
Thank you, bargain shoppers
for picking up on that one.
Ever grab a pair of pants over there
and hold them up?
36, 32, 25.
Who's buying this, a pirate?
(audience laughing)
If you've got a dumb kid, my heart
goes out to you because seriously,
a dumb kid is like a bad performing
stock that you can't sell for 18
years.
(audience laughing)
You think about it.
You've got to tow that little dope
around a long time.
I don't care how you view it,
it drags down your family portfolio.
(audience laughing)
I think you should be able to take
a kickback until they're five.
(audience laughing)
Think about it, ladies.
You do everything right
during the pregnancy--
eat well, drink a lot of water,
take your vitamins, pop out a kid,
hope for a genius.
Aaah.
Benny's 3, under the sink, eating
cleanser.
Really?
You've got to be kidding me.
Honey, get the receipt.
I've got a buddy of mine.
He's got two of them.
Two idiots.
What are the odds?
You ever call someone's house
and you have to spell
around the kids
because they're little?
I call my buddy, I go, what are you
doing this weekend?
He goes, "oh, we're taking the kids
"to D-I-S-N-E-Y." I'm like, your kids
they're in the room?
He goes, "yeah."
I'm like, aren't they 9 and 10?
(audience laughing)
Maybe take them to S-C-H-O-O-L.
(audience laughing)
So you can have a kid who
is incredibly book smart
but commonsense wise, out to lunch.
A buddy of mine has one of those.
His son Kyle, 22 years old,
honor student.
Couldn't find his way out
of the rain.
Three of us go out one night,
contact Uber for a ride home.
His kid Kyle pulls it up on the app.
He goes, "all right, our driver
"is Nassin Ultima Jason.
"Must be Muslim."
My buddy grabs his phone.
He goes, "we're looking for a Nissan
"Altima.
(audience laughing)
"Guy's name is Jason."
(audience laughing)