This is a common one that a lot of our viewers have requested.
How to get your child to stop whining?
There are some really powerful concepts within behavioral psychology that will allow you to get
on top of the whining. First, I need to train you a little bit about behavioral psychology.
We'll pick the exact method that works. And I've got a warning for you at the end. Let's jump into
that behavioral psychology. This is... You enjoy this part right, Vicki. -I have to wrap my brain
around it every time. -Well, it takes a little bit of thinking but it's not too hard when you
remember that there are basically 2 ways to change behavior, okay? -Either reinforce it.
-Right. -Or punish it. -Reinforcement and punishment. Now, punishment gets a bad wrap
sometimes. -Yeah, it's kind of a weird word. -It doesn't mean anything negative
or bad or something that you should avoid, okay? It's got a little bit of a bad reputation out
there in social media and whatnot. But punishment from a behavioral psychology standpoint is simply
an intervention or a consequence that decreases a behavior. -Right. So, if you want to decrease
the behavior, you're going to administer the appropriate type of punishment. But if you want
to increase it... -Reinforcement. -Right. -So, reinforcement increases behavior, punishment
decreases behavior. -That's behavioral psychology in a nutshell. -Right. It can be that simple. Now,
think about the behaviors that you're concerned about, okay? Do you want to see more of it?
-Definitely... -Well, if it's whining, you don't. So, you don't want to reinforce why
not we're going to use a punishment. We'll help you with some specifics here in just a minute.
What if it's something you do want to see more of? -Then you're going to reinforce it. -Like helping
out or using respectful behavior or language in the home. -Okay? Those things you want to see
more of. So, we'll reinforce that. Just keep that in mind. Reinforcement... -Increases the behavior.
-And punishment... -Decreases the behavior. -Got it? Let's go another step or two into behavioral
psychology so that you can see more clearly what this reinforcement and punishment is all about.
There can be positive and negative reinforcement or punishment. So, that's 4 different kinds if
you're doing the math. Now, to understand this most easily, think of this as plus and minus.
Not good and bad. Sometimes we think of positive as good and negative is bad, right? No. Think
of positive as plus and negative as minus. Think of your math symbols. So, positive reinforcement
is when we add something that they want. Remember, reinforcement is all about increasing behavior.
Punishment is all about decreasing behavior. So, a positive reinforcement. We're going to give them
something that they want in order to increase a certain behavior. This is like a reward. You give
them a sticker or a piece of candy for something that they just did that you really wanted them
to do. Positive reinforcement add something they want. What's negative reinforcement?
Actually, our kids practice this one on us all the time. So, we're going to subtract something
that they don't want. We're going to take away something that they wanted to get rid
of anyway. I said our kids practice this on us all the time with whining or begging. Begging is
probably the best example I can think of. "Oh, please give me that. Oh, please give me that. Oh,
please give me that. Oh, please give me that." And it gets so annoying. You just want them to
take away the begging so you give them the thing that they want. And they take away
the begging. That's negative reinforcement that our kids are playing on us. For us,
we might be standing there with our arms folded watching over them as they're doing what it is we
asked them to do. And as soon as they did what we asked them to do, we remove the oversight. That's
a negative reinforcement. Just track this a little bit. This can be powerful. Let's go to punishment.
Positive punishment. Positive doesn't mean good, it means add. And punishment is to decrease a
behavior so we're going to add something that they don't want. Like an extra chore,
okay? As a punishment for some behavior to get them to decrease that behavior. We might be
adding a penalty or a fine. Something that they don't want we're adding to the equation. What's
a negative punishment? A negative punishment is when we subtract something that they do want. Most
parents are familiar with this like taking away a privilege or a toy. That's a negative punishment.
So, in terms of behavioral psychology, just think of it as plus and minus, add that to the
reinforcement and punishment and we've got a whole menu of things that we can use to either increase
behavior or decrease a behavior. Now, take a few minutes to jot down in the comments down below.
Jot down some of the things that you've identified that you already do as a positive
reinforcer, a negative reinforcer, a positive punishment, or a negative punishment.
Share them in the comments. Vicki, one of our most popular videos here on the channel is How To
Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling. -Right. -And I made a point in that video about our puppy.
You're kind of chuckling because our dogs have trained us very well.
They're a little spoiled, okay? But they have trained us to give them things that they want
for example. Or to offer them comforts and conveniences that maybe we wouldn't have
chosen to do originally. And I bring that up because our kids do this too. -They train us
whether we recognize it or not. -Right. -And so, that's one of the big tricks is you got to step
back and recognize what's happening. -Yes. Now, let's look at whining specifically. -Alright.
-Why are they doing it? Is it because whining is so much fun? Is it because whining is exactly
what they want to do? No. -It's actually just the the method to get what they actually want.
-Exactly. -It's the reinforcement. -And the parents don't like it. -Right. -Okay. So, remember
we're talking about plus and minus, positive and negative. -Right. -Or add and subtract, right?
They're using a negative reinforcement to train their parents to give them what they want. -So,
they're adding a negative behavior, the whining. -Yes. -So that they can get what they want. So,
when when you finally give them what... They'll stop as soon as you give them what they want.
-Right. And that's the negative reinforcement. They take away, they subtract the noxious whining
that's going on to reward the parent, to increase that parent's behavior of giving them what they
want. -Yeah. -It's brilliant. -Yeah. Learn something about behavioral psychology from
your kids because they're training you every bit as much as you're training them. -Just
recognize that whenever there is an exchange going on and you wonder how you got there,
if you can step back and see "Well, what did i do right before this that might be encouraging the
antecedent?" And that sometimes shows you where you might be training your kids in the negative
behavior. -Here's another thing to watch out for. -Yeah. -What happened just before they stopped?
Sorry. I know that's painful but just be real about that. Just connect with it. And that will
help to give you more clues about what to do. Let's combine what we've learned about behavioral
psychology along with an acknowledgement that our kids are in fact training us
maybe even more than we're training them. Why are they doing it? Whining, why are they doing it?
There's some kind of payoff, right? Are you kids ever whining when you're not listening? Go back
to the reasons why they're doing this in the first place. They get some kind of a payoff.
What is the payoff? Sometimes it's your attention. Sometimes it's the
thing that they're whining for or begging for you to give to them. If they're getting that,
that's the payoff. So, what do we do about it? We're going to use a negative punishment. Meaning,
we're going to take away or subtract the thing that's paying them off. You take away the payoff.
This is the simple answer for getting to the bottom of the whining
or the begging. Take away the payoff. Warning: When you use a negative punishment
like we're going to do with the whining and you've taken away the payoff, you're going to
see something that we call the extinction curve. I know. Sounds scary, right? All it means is things
are likely to get worse before they get better. Why? Let's take the whining or the begging.
They used to get a payoff from this, right? So, when they throw it at you
and you don't respond, you've taken away the payoff for them, (that's the negative punishment
to get them to stop doing this, right?) you take away the attention or the response that
they're used to getting, what are they going to do? They're going to quit doing it. No. They're
going to turn up the volume. They're going to be thinking, "Oh, my gosh. I've lost my touch.
Mom always used to go for this. Man, I better crank it up." So, they crank up the volume on you
and you get more of it. It's extremely important at this point to remain consistent. If you cave in
after they turn up the volume, you just taught them, "Yep, you're right. All you
got to do is hit the volume switch. I'll cave in." That's not what you want them to know.
Stay consistent because the extinction curve is that you'll see that that behavior if it's usually
at this level it's going to go up to this level to see if they can get you to break. If they can't,
then it will fall down and settle into a much lower baseline after that. We've proven this with
chickens and mice and rats. Your kids are a whole lot more intelligent than they are.
So, hang in there through the extinction curve. I had to give you that warning because
it'll sneak up on you. Whining is only one of the topics that we cover in the Parenting Power-Up
and the other positive parenting resources that you're going to find at Live On Purpose Central.
Tell more they can go for that, Vicki. -The link is go.liveonpurposecentral.com.
Go there and you can find lots of resources that will help you take your parenting to
the next level. -We've got your back on this. We'll look to see you there.