OF COURSE, THE NEWS TRUMP REALLY WANTS US TALKING ABOUT IS LAST
NIGHT'S PREMIERE OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SCOTUS?" WHERE IN
A RARE LIVE BROADCAST FROM THE EAST ROOM, TRUMP REVEALED THAT
HIS CHOICE FOR THE SUPREME COURT FEDERAL JUDGE AND DAD FROM A
WALMART PHOTO FRAME, NEIL GORSUCH.
>> TODAY, I AM KEEPING ANOTHER PROMISE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
BY NOMINATING JUDGE NEIL GORSUCH OF THE UNITED STATES SUPREME
COURT, TO BE OF THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT.
>> Stephen: DID I-- DID HE-- DID HE SAY HE WAS ALREADY "OF"
THE SUPREME COURT?
DID GORSUCH, LIKE, GROW UP THERE LIKE A FERAL CHILD OR SOMETHING,
HIDING UNDER ALITO'S ROBES AND SURVIVING ON
WHATEVER CRUMBS FALL OUT OF RUTH BADER GINSBERG'S NECK
RUFFLE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SURE IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR AMERICA TO MEET JUDGE GORSUCH.
>> AND I WOULD LIKE TO ASK JUDGE GORSUCH AND HIS WONDERFUL
WIFE, LOUISE, TO PLEASE STEP FORWARD, PLEASE
LOUISE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: "PLEASE, LOUISE.
♪ PULL ME OFF OF MY KNEES.
JACK, GET BACK.
♪ COME ON BEFORE WE CRACK.
LOSE YOUR BLUES.
♪ EVERYBODY CUT, EVERYBODY CUT, FOOTLOOSE
♪ LOOSE, LOOSE, LOOSE ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE OTHER ONE.
THAT'S THE FLASH DANCE.
LET'S NOT MIX THESE UP.
NOW, I'M NOT SURE-- THIS IS TRUMP'S FIRST CHOICE, OBVIOUSLY.
THE GUY IS VERY HONORED TO BE THERE, TO BE THE NEXT JUSTICE OF
THE SUPREME COURT.
BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW GREAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS.
LOOK HOW TRUMP SHAKES HIS HANDS, ONE, TWO, AND YANK HER OUT!
LIKE HE'S STARTING A LAWNMOWER.
CAN WE PLAY THAT ONE MORE TIME?
CAN WE GO BACK?
YOU CAN TELL WHAT'S GOING ON.
GORSUCH IS LIKE, "YOU NOMINATED ME, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT
CLOSE IN THE PHOTO."
AND TRUMP IS LIKE, "GIVE DADDY SOME SUGAR, AGO.
I KNOW IT'S AN INDEPENDENT JUDICIAL BRANCH, BUT I'M GOING
TO RIP THE BRANCH OFF."
THAT WAS HIS ARM.
THAT WAS HIS ARM I WAS PULLING OVER THERE.
NOW, SINCE IT WAS A REALITY SHOW, THE ROBE CEREMONY HAD TO
HAVE A RUNNER-UP.
THAT WAS JUDGE THOMAS HARDIMAN.
HARDIMAN DIDN'T GET THE JOB, CAME VERY CLOSE.
HARDIMAN'S A FORMER TAXI DRIVER, WHICH IS WHY ALL OF HIS
DECISIONS START WITH "OKAY IF WE TAKE THE TUNNEL?"
NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART: APPARENTLY THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION "ASKED HARDIMAN TO COME TO WASHINGTON TO BUILD
SUSPENSE."
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY TO PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU ALREADY
HAVE US ON THE EDGE OF OUR SEAT, SIR.
PLEASE.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN TAKE ANY MORE THRILLS.
NOW, TRUMP PLAYED THE SUSPENSE PERFECTLY.
CNN EVEN BROADCAST FOOTAGE OF HARDIMAN GETTING GAS ON THE WAY
TO D.C.
IT WAS SUCH DRAMATIC FOOTAGE, THAT CNN HAD TO CUT AWAY FROM
THEIR LIVE COVERAGE OF PAINT DRYING.
DRYING.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, HARDIMAN WAS WILLING
TO PLAY ALONG WITH THE RUSE BECAUSE HE WAS GIVEN A SENSE
THAT THERE COULD BE A SPOT FOR HIM SHOULD ANOTHER VACANCY OPEN
UP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE MAY HAVE BEEN THE RUNNER-UP NOMINEE, BUT THAT JUST MEANS HE
IS GOING TO BE NEXT SEASON'S THE NOMINETTE.
NOW, REPUBLICANS ARE READY TO CONFIRM GORSUCH RIGHT AWAY.
THEY'RE READY TO GO.
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH McCONNELL ACTUALLY SAID, "I HOPE
MEMBERS OF THE SENATE WILL AGAIN SHOW HIM FAIR CONSIDERATION WITH
AN UP-OR-DOWN VOTE ON HIS NOMINATION, JUST LIKE THE
SENATE TREATED THE FOUR FIRST-TERM NOMINEES OF
PRESIDENTS CLINTON AND OBAMA."
I FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO OBAMA'S SECOND-TERM NOMINEE.
YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT KNOW?
THE ASSISTANT MANAGER OF MY LOCAL APPLEBEE'S, MERRICK
GARLAND.
HE JUST HELPED ME MAKE A BIG DECISION IN THE CASE OF
"JALAPENO POPPERS V. LOADED POTATO SKINS."
IT IS SO ORDERED.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW THEY SIGN JUDGMENTS
IN WANT SUPREME COURT.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY JOKE IF YOU USED THAT TO ORDER FOOD
AT AN APPLEBEE'S.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS-- THIS PART OF THE-- NO?
NO-- THIS IS THE PART OF THE MONOLOGUE THAT EDITING IS FOR
RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, I'M NOT SURE THAT GORSUCH
IS THE WORST NOMINEE TRUMP COULD HAVE CHOSEN.
I MEAN, HE COULD HAVE PICKED HIMSELF.
THAT'S A DISTURBING IDEA, I REALIZE.
BUT SPEAKING OF DISTURBING IDEA, IT TURNS OUT THE WESTMINSTER DOG
SHOW IS NOW GOING TO INCLUDE CATS.
THIS IS MASS MADNESS.
YOU MANIAC.
DOGS AND CATS ARE COMPLETE OPPOSITES.
THEY'LL BE FIGHTING LIKE SOME THINGS THAT FIGHT A LOT.
SOME METAPHOR-- THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, WHAT FIGHTS A LOT.
PEANUT BUTTER.
>> Jon: THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: LOOK, THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE CAT PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW DOG SHOWS ARE FOR DOGS.
YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS HOW TRUMP GOT ELECTED, RIGHT?
WE CAN'T CHANGE THE CULTURE THIS FAST.
NOW, THE CATS WILL BE PART OF A "MEET THE BREEDS" EVENT.
WHICH I ASSUME IS WHERE CHUCK TODD INTERVIEWS A PERSIAN
LONGHAIR ABOUT TRADE POLICY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T-- CAT PLAYS WITH HIM
LIKE A MOUSE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS HAPPENING.
HOW ARE DOG JUDGES GOING TO EVEN EVALUATE CATS?
LUCKILY, DON'T HAVE TO GUESS BECAUSE WE HERE AT THE "LATE
SHOW" CAN OBTAINED SOME EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE.
>> THIS IS TRIXIE, A SIAMESE SHORTHAIRED MIX.
>> LOOK AT HER FORM AS SHE LICKS HER BUTT HOLE.
AMAZING.
>> SO COOL.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
RICKY GERVAIS IS HERE!
SO STICK AROUND.