( APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW
ALL KNOW, I LOVE DOGS.
THEY'RE MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
THAT'S WHY I LET THEM SLEEP IN MY BED AND DIG HOLES NAKED IN MY
BACKYARD.
IT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.
IN FACT, I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH THAT WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"
HAVE A SPECIAL SEGMENT CALLED "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A
CELEBRITY GUEST AND I HELP FIND RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY TELLING
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE THESE ALREADY-GREAT DOGS
SEEM EVEN MORE ADOPTABLE.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, EVERY SINGLE DOG THAT WE
HAVE FEATURED HAS SUCCESSFULLY BEEN ADOPTED.
THAT'S OVER 80 DOGS!
( APPLAUSE )
RECORD GOING.
IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN, IT'S TIME FOR A SPOOKTACULAR EDITION OF
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE"
♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD EVENING!
( LAUGHTER )
COSTUMED CANINES TONIGHT, AND HERE TO HELP ME IS CO-HOST OF
"MAKING IT" AND VERY GOOD BOY, NICK OFFERMAN!
NICK!
( APPLAUSE )
GOOD TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS.
WHAT AN HONOR.
NICK--
OF COURSE.
AN AMERICAN TREASURE, AN AMERICAN TREASURE.
NICK, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
ARE YOU READY TO LIE ABOUT SOME DOGS?
>> DO BEARS STUDY GEOGRAPHY AT CORNELL?
( LAUGHTER )
>> EXACTLY.
I WAS MERELY TESTING OUT MY LIES.
>> Stephen: THE MAN UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT.
BUT, FIRST, A REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE
ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
SO LET'S BEGIN.
EVERYBODY, MEET CHUMLEY.
OH!
THIS IS CHUMLEY.
HE'S A VERY OBEDIENT LITTLE VAMPIRE.
HE DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE UNLESS HE'S INVITED FIRST.
UNLIKE DRACULA, HE NEVER BITES.
"I ONLY VANT TO CUDDLE."
( APPLAUSE )
SHE IS A CANINE-VELOCIRAPTOR HYBRID.
WE WERE SO FOCUSED ON WHETHER WE COULD TURN MILLIE INTO A
DINOSAUR THAT WE DIDN'T STOP TO ASK OURSELVES IF WE SHOULD.
( LAUGHTER )
ABSOLUTELY IT IS ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: MEET TONI.
( APPLAUSE )
TONI ISN'T JUST DRESSED AS ELMO.
SHE OWNS THE COPYRIGHT TO THE NAME "ELMO."
ADOPT HER, AND YOU'LL GET PAID EVERY TIME ELMO SAYS "ELMO," AND
ELMO SAYS ELMO A LOT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Audience: OOOH!
( APPLAUSE )
SPECIALIZES IN SUSTAINABLE VEGAN FOOD.
EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE: SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS IS RUBY.
THIS IS RUBY.
RUBY IS DRESSED LIKE HER HERO, AMELIA EARHART.
RUBY WATCHED THE FIRST HALF OF A DOCUMENTARY ON EARHART ONCE AND
NOW REALLY WANTS TO MEET HER SOMEDAY.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE HEART TO BREAK THE NEWS TO RUBY, SO IF
YOU ADOPT HER, REMEMBER, AMELIA EARHART IS ALIVE, MARRIED TO A
GUY NAMED TODD, CURRENTLY LIVING IN ARIZONA, BUT DOESN'T HAVE A
PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> MEET DABBLES.
DABBLES IS DRESSED LIKE KEITH RICHARDS, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S A
STONES FAN, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM FEEL
INDESTRUCTIBLE.
LIKE KEITH, DABBLES RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, BUT STILL IS
WEARING A NICOTINE PATCH ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEET PICKLES.
THIS ISN'T A COSTUME.
DUE TO A BOAT-RELATED HEAD INJURY, PICKLES ACTUALLY
BELIEVES HE IS A LOBSTER.
HE'LL BE YOUR LOYAL AND LOVING COMPANION.
JUST, PLEASE, DO NOT COME NEAR HIM WITH MELTED BUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT CAN
KEEP THIS LITTLE FELLA FROM GIVING YOU SNUGGLES.
THIS DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANT WILL HAPPILY LICK ALL OF YOUR
STAMPS AS LONG AS YOU PLACE THEM NEAR HIS BALLS.
( APPLAUSE )
FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON
HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
NICK OFFERMAN EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
♪ ♪ ♪