♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> EXPERTS ARE SAYING IT'S POSSIBLE FOR WOMEN TO HAVE
SO-CALLED SUPERORGASMS WITH YOGA AND PRETENDING.
>>> THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK CITY, A 98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GOT MARRIED
TO A 94-YEAR-OLD MAN. THEY ARE REGISTERED AT BED BATH
AND THE GREAT BEYOND. >>> HERE GIVING A PERSONAL TAKE
ON THE WEEKEND'S EVENTS OF CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA IS
TINA FE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, COLIN AND CHE. I JUST WANT TO SAY I ALWAYS COME
OUT ON COLIN'S SIDE BECAUSE IT'S THE BETTER HALF OF MY FACE.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR ON THAT.
>> NOT BUYING IT. >> YOU GRADUATED FROM UVA IN
1992. >> YES, COLIN.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL. I HAVE NOTHING BUT FOND MEMORIES
OF MY TIME THERE. I GRADUATED A VIRGIN AND I STILL
LIKE IT. THAT'S HOW GOOD THE ARCHITECTURE
IS DOWN THERE. IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE THESE
EVIL FORCES DESCEND ON VIRGINIA. OUR PRESIDENT, DONALD JOHN
TRUMP, WHAT A STUPID NAME THAT IS.
DONNY JOHN COMES OUT AND HE SAYS THAT HE CONDEMNS VIOLENCE ON
MANY SIDES, ON MANY SIDES, COLIN.
I'M FEELING SICK BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEEN RAIDERS OF THE
LOST ARK AND I WASN'T CONFUSED BY IT.
NO, COLIN, NAZI'S ARE ALWAYS BAD, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
>> I DON'T SAY -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEN WE HEAR THERE'S NINE MORE ALT-RIGHT RALLIES SATURDAY
INCLUDING ONE IN NEW YORK CITY IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK.
PART OF ME HOPES THEY GET IT IN NEW YORK CITY AND GET KICKED BY
A BUNCH OF DRAG QUEENS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT A DRAG QUEEN STILL IS?
A 6'4" BLACK MAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE GOOD PEOPLE
TO GET HURT. I KNOW A LOT OF US ARE FEELING
ANXIOUS AND ASKING OURSELVES WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M JUST ONE PERSON, WHAT CAN I DO?
I WOULD URGE PEOPLE SATURDAY, INSTEAD OF PARTICIPATING IN THE
SCREAMING MATCHES AND VIOLENCE, FIND A LOCAL BUSINESS YOU
SUPPORT, MAYBE A JEWISH RUN BAKERY OR AFRICAN-AMERICAN RUN
BAKERY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ORDER A CAKE WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG ON IT.
LIKE THIS ONE. AND, JUST EAT IT, COLIN.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M SORRY, HOW IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO HELP? [ INAUDIBLE ]
>> SORRY, WHAT? >> THE NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SEE A
BUNCH OF WHITE BOYS IN POLO SHIRTS SCREAMING ABOUT TAKING A
PUNCH WHEN YOU WANT TO SCREAM, IT'S NOT OUR COUNTRY, WE STOLE
IT. WE STOLE FROM THE NATIVE
AMERICANS. WHEN THEY HAVE A PEACEFUL
PROTEST AT STANDING ROCK WE SHOOT AT THEM WITH RUBBER
BULLETS, WE LET YOU MARCH THE STREETS WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC
WEAPONS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHEN YOU WANT TO YELL, DON'T YELL AT THE KLAN, YELL INTO THE
CAKE. [ SCREAMING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THEN, WHEN THEY CRAWL OUT,
REPUBLICANS IN BERKELEY, YOU ARE LIKE OKAY, BARBIE.
BUT THE OTHER SIDE IS NAZI'S AND KLANSMEN.
WHO DROVE THE CAR INTO THE CROWD, HILLARY'S E-MAILS?
[ APPLAUSE ] >> WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE
ALREADY CANCELED SOME OF THE RALLIES.
>> SEE, IT'S WORKING ALREADY. SHEET CAKING IS A GRASS ROOTS
MOVEMENT, COLIN. MOST OF THE WOMEN I KNOW HAVE
BEEN DOING IT ONCE A WEEK SINCE THE ELECTION.
[ APPLAUSE ] DON'T WORRY, GUYS.
SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN CHARLOTTESVILLE WEREN'T
KLANSMEN, THEY WERE INDEPENDENT MILITIAS.
THERE'S 250 WELL ARMED MILITIA'S ACROSS THE U.S. READY MOBILIZE
AT ANYTIME? YEAH.
GUESS WHAT, THEY ARE NOT COPS. NO.
THEY ARE NOT COPS, THEY ARE MILITIAS AND THEY TRAIN
THEMSELVES. >> GIVE ME SOME OF THAT dAMN
CAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I SAY, YOU KNOW, WHERE IS PAUL RYAN IN ALL THIS?
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL, YOUNG CONGRESSMAN, BUT YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW TO AX SOMEBODY ON TWITTER?
RACISM IS BAD@DONALD TRUMP. THEN -- THEN, DONNY JOHN SAYS WE
NEED TO DEFEND OUR BEAUTIFUL, CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS WHEN HE
WOULD TAKE THEM DOWN IN A SECOND IF HE COULD BUILD A BUNCH OF
CONDOS ON THE SPOT. GOOGLE TRUMP TELLER AND YOUR
FAMILY SAYS MOM, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
YOU FEEL POWER. THAT IS WHEN YOU NEED TO DIP A
GRILLED CHEESE INTO THE CAKE. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> ARE YOU GOING TO STAY UNTIL THE WHOLE CAKE IS GONE?
>> IN CONCLUSION, I REALLY WANT TO SAY, TO ENCOURAGE ALL GOOD,
SANE AMERICANS TO TREAT THESE RALLIES THIS WEEKEND LIKE THE
OPENING OF A THOUGHTFUL MOVIE WITH TWO FEMALE LEADS.
DON'T SHOW UP. SCREAM INTO THE EMPTY AIR.
I LOVE YOU CHARLOTTESVILLE. AS THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID, WHO IS
THAT HOT GIRL OVER THE BUTTER CHURN?
>> TINA FEY, EVERYONE.
>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WEEKEND UPDATE SUMMER EDITION"
AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.