-Fox News reportedly has a dossier
of alleged dirt, aka an oppo file,
on Tucker Carlson, amid their messy separation
from the recently ousted host, as speculation runs rampant
about what, exactly, led to Carlson's abrupt exit.
Meanwhile, Fox itself is basically acting like Carlson,
who was, until two days ago, one of their biggest stars,
never even existed.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
Whenever something really big happens that involves Fox News,
the last people to hear about it
are usually the people who watch Fox News.
[ Laughter ] The network tends to hide news
about itself from its own viewers.
Last night there were probably a bunch of 80-year-olds
watching substitute host Brian Kilmeade, saying,
"Tucker looks different now.
[ Laughter ] He must've got that eye-shrinking surgery."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"How much do you want us to take them in?"
I don't know, a foot?
[ Laughter ]
Take, for example, Fox's decision last week
to settle the Dominion defamation lawsuit
for a whopping $787 million.
Sorry, $787.5 million.
And, real quick, why isn't it a round number?
[ Laughter ] Why did they have to .5 such a large amount of money?
What happened, did Dominion say, "We want $788 million,"
and then Rupert Murdoch said --
[ As Murdoch ] It'll be a cold day in hell
before I give you [bleep] $788 million!
[ Laughter ] And they said, "Alright,
how about $787.5 million?" And he said --
[ As Murdoch ] Oh, that's more than fair.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, yeah, we can make that work.
Nice doing business with you [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, where -- Oh, right, right, right, right.
When Fox settled with Dominion,
the network's anchors barely even mentioned the news on-air,
despite the fact that it was one
of the biggest media scandals in recent history,
and, even when they did mention the story,
they rarely went into specifics,
like when Fox personality Howard Kurtz declined to say
the amount Fox had agreed to pay,
despite the fact the lawyers for Dominion
had already publicly announced the exact number.
-Dominion had sued Fox,
charging that the network damaged its reputation
by reporting on false claims that its machines
were, somehow, stealing votes from Donald Trump
and flipping them to Joe Biden,
citing internal messages that key figures at Fox
did not believe those conspiracy theories.
Fox said in a statement...
[ Laughter ] A Dominion lawyer gave reporters a dollar figure for the segment,
but I have not been able to independently confirm that.
[ Laughter ] -You can't independently confirm it?
I don't know, maybe ask around.
You work there.
[ Laughter ] Open your door.
Just yell down the hallway.
Or do a little investigating.
Like in the cafeteria,
is the coffee that was free last week now...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Sorry...
Ah, [bleep]!
[ Laughter and applause ] [Bleep]
Anybody got $0.5 million?
[ Laughter ]
So, Fox viewers have heard very little
from the alleged news network they watch
about one of the biggest media scandals in recent memory.
And the same thing happened with the shocking ouster
of their top-rated host, Tucker Carlson,
seen here realizing he just got fired
or just being stoned off his ass,
looking at a magic eye poster.
[ Laughter ]
Fox read one vague statement
about Tucker's departure from the network during the day
and then, when Tucker's old time slot
rolled around at 8:00 pm, this is the only thing
fill-in host Brian Kilmeade said about the situation.
-Hi, everybody, and welcome to "Fox News Tonight."
I am Brian Kilmeade.
As you probably have heard,
Fox News and Tucker Carlson have agreed to part ways.
I wish Tucker the best.
I'm great friends with Tucker and always will be.
But right now, it's time for "Fox News Tonight,"
so, let's get started.
-Man, when Fox cuts ties with someone, they cut ties.
[ Laughter ] That's the Fox News version
of rolling up someone in a carpet
and throwing them in the East River.
[ Laughter and applause ] Even the Mafia's like,
[ Italian accent ] Oh! Not even some cake in the break room?
[ Laughter ]
Show the man some respect.
[ Laughter ]
Tucker was their top-rated host, their biggest star,
and now, they're acting like he never existed.
His picture was plastered on the Fox News headquarters
right across the street from here.
I walked by it today.
It was an ad for Dr. Zizmor.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Fox host Sean Hannity basically did the same thing
during a segment about ex-CNN anchor Don Lemon.
As his audience was cheering Lemon's ouster,
Hannity briefly mentioned Tucker,
but all he said was this --
[ Applause ] -You know.
we're not talking about Tucker.
I don't really have any details on it,
but he had a massive audience...
-Yes. -...and has a huge following.
This guy had nobody!
-Yeah, Tucker has a huge following,
among racist lunatics
and people who also want to [bleep] the green M&M
[ Laughter and applause ] and you don't have any details on it?
His show was on right before yours.
You chatted with, you texted with him.
Is it possible they just didn't tell Hannity the truth,
you know, the way you lie to a five-year-old when their goldfish dies?
[ As Hannity ] I don't have any details about Tucker.
All I know is he went to host a show
on a farm upstate with a bunch of other racists.
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
And I hear he's real happy.
[ Laughter ] This is just a guess,
but I feel like they probably do know why Tucker got fired
and they've expressly been told to keep it to themselves.
I have no idea why he got fired.
Fox had no problem with his cruelty, racism,
and paranoid conspiracy theories,
so, I doubt he got fired for that.
I mean, firing Tucker for racism now,
after tolerating it for so long,
would be like canceling "Sesame Street"
because you just found out they were puppets.
[ Laughter ] "I'm serious, dude.
I looked in Oscar's trash can.
There's a dude in there!
[ Laughter ]
If this gets out, we're [bleep]!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] It would also be weird --
It would also be weird --
[ Laughter ]
It would also be weird if he got fired
for being obsessed with incredibly weird [bleep]
because that's also been his thing forever,
whether it was sexy candy
[ Laughter ] or eating bugs
or -- this is real --
testicle tanning.
-One of the biggest stories of our lifetimes
is the total collapse
in testosterone levels in American men.
-If you want to optimize and take it to another level,
expose yourself to red light therapy.
-Yes. -And the Joovv
that we were using in the documentary,
there's a massive amount of -- -Which is testicle tanning.
[ Laughter ] -It's testicle tanning,
but it's also full-body red light therapy,
which has a massive amount of benefits.
And there's so much data out there
that isn't being picked up on or covered.
-So, obviously,
half the viewers right now are like, "What?!
Testicle tanning? That's crazy."
[ Laughter ] But my view is, okay, testosterone levels crash
and nobody says anything about it -- that's crazy,
[ Laughter ] so, why is it crazy to seek solutions?
[ Laughter ] -Well, the good news, Tucker, is
now, you have plenty of time to pursue that, you know?
[ Laughter and applause ] Just grab grab a book, head to the beach,
unzip your khakis, pull them out, and enjoy
all that newfound testosterone.
[ Laughter and applause ] By the way, what's crazier, that Fox News
abruptly parted ways with their top-rated anchor
or that their top-rated anchor did an entire special report
on exposing your balls to red light therapy
[ Laughter ] to increase your sperm count
and they were just fine with it?
Also, I don't need some fancy red light machine.
Just dip your dong in a toaster.
[ Laughter and applause ] Hell, stuff your junk in a microwave,
put it on defrost.
[ Laughter ] Save your money.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, I love that even the dude who's pushing this theory
knows it's better to call it red light therapy,
but Tucker just jumps right in
to make it clear what we're talking about.
[ Laughter ] [ As McGovern ] What's interesting
about red light therapy -- [ As Carlson] Testicle tanning?
[ Laughter and applause ] Is that the testicle tanning?
Because all my questions are about testicle tanning.
[ Laughter ] [ As McGovern ] Yeah, no, yeah, it's just it's your whole body.
[ As Carlson ] Yeah, but it also does the testicle?
[ Laughter ]
Also, I'm no testicle expert...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Sal's words!
[ Laughter ]
[ Claps ]
[ Applause ] I read --
Let me just say.
[ Cheering ]
This is the fourth time today I've read this
and it's the first time I've realized I'm just going like,
"Also, I'm no testicle expert."
[ Laughter ]
If there's one thing I know...
[ Laughter ]
Also, you guys --
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering and whistling ]
I'm definitely going to be doing one of those weird daytime ads,
like at CNN, where it's just like,
30 years from now, an old Seth Meyers is going to be like,
"I'm no testicle expert...
[ Laughter ]
...but I know when something's wrong."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, you guys, I'm --
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm no technical expert, but does --
does red light actually make your sperm count go up?
Is that what happened to Kramer
in that episode about the chicken restaurant?
[ Laughter ] [ Electricity buzzing ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ As Seinfeld ] Did you hear?
Did you hear?
Kramer's training --
Kramer's tanning his testicles.
[ As Elaine ] Well, Puddy's tanning, too.
[ As Seinfeld ] Puddy's a tanner, Kramer's a --
everybody's a tanner.
[ As George ] That's it, Jerry!
I'm tanning, now, too!
[ Laughter ] [ As Seinfeld ] Why tan your testicles?
You're already nuts!
[ "Seinfeld" theme sting ] [ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
Dear diary, it went great.
[ Laughter ]
Now, there's obviously been a lot of speculation
over what, exactly, happened here,
given that Tucker was such
a dominant presence at the network.
Tucker himself was reportedly blindsided by the news
and informed of the decision just minutes
before it was made public.
The Wall Street Journal reported that...
Fox couldn't have cared less when Tucker was saying vulgar,
offensive stuff on television about other people,
but when he said it in private, about Fox News executives,
they were suddenly outraged.
It's like when you go see a [bleep] stand-up comic
who spends the entire hour roasting people in the crowd
and you laugh and laugh, until he points at you and says,
"Hey, check out this idiot.
Looks like he stuck his face in the testicle tanner,"
[ Laughter ] and then you're like, "Whoa, whoa!
That's not fair. It's called red light therapy.
I heard about it on the news!" [ Laughter ]
But Fox News was apparently prepared for the possibility
that they might, one day, have to part ways with Tucker
because yesterday, Rolling Stone reported
this truly insane story...
Fox reportedly...
Holy [bleep], his own employer was collecting dirt on him.
[ Laughter ] I mean, I can't imagine if NBC ever did that to me.
"Hey, Meyers, you better watch out.
We got a picture of you in a chicken suit
next to Donald Trump
and we're going to send it to Page Six."
Well, too bad, fellas. That was already on TV.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] Simpler times, you guys.
Simpler times.
Tell you this, though --
if I ever find the guy who wrote that sketch --
It was me?!
[ Laughter ]
Also, if you're an employer collecting dirt on an employee,
but you're not doing anything about it,
unless you need it for revenge,
that speaks badly of them and of you.
That's not how HR is supposed to work.
[ Laughter ] When we did our HR training here at "Late Night,"
I don't remember anyone saying, "And just remember,
we'll be keeping a blackmail file on all of you."
[ Laughter ]
This is the state of the MAGA movement.
It's an abject failure
and now, they're all devouring each other.
They were at each other's throats
after losing in 2018, 2020, and 2022;
they're bickering and fighting with each other in Congress;
and now, their leading propaganda network
is navigating a messy split from their former leading host.
After all these years,
I think we deserve to just sit back
and watch these people kick each other in the...
-Testicle.
[ Laughter and applause ] -This
has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]