[Music]
most of the time
we have to keep so many things private
in order not to offend and hurt people
we can't reveal very much about who we
really are
keeping secrets is just the price we
have to pay
in order to be liked then imagine the
day
you meet a very special person and fall
in love what makes them special
is that at last you no longer have to
lie around them
you can admit to important truths you'll
be rewarded for sharing your deepest
self the weirder the secret the better
nothing seems too shocking or explicit
you can explain that you find a mutual
acquaintance
arrogant or mean or that you think some
supposed masterpiece of a book is
actually very boring you can explain
that you like pulling hair during sex
or have always been excited by ropes
love is born out of a new possibility
for honesty but this sharing of secrets
sets up in our minds
and in our collective culture a powerful
and potentially very problematic ideal
the notion that if two people properly
love one
another then they must always tell each
other the truth
about everything yet over the long term
there are always going to be things
we'll feel have a power to hurt and
deeply offend those we love this brings
us up against a fundamental paradox
within the modern understanding of love
keeping secrets
seems like a betrayal of a relationship
at the same time
the complete truth will if shared place
a union in mortal danger
we are perhaps so conscious of the bad
reasons for hiding things
that we haven't paid enough attention to
the noble reasons
why from time to time true loyalty may
lead one to say
very much less than the whole truth
we're so impressed by honesty
we forget the virtues of politeness
which doesn't have to mean a cynical
withholding of important information
just a dedication to not rubbing someone
up against the full
and more hurtful aspects of our natures
it's ultimately no great sign of
kindness
to insist on showing someone else our
entire selves at
all times repression a certain degree of
restraint
and a dedication to editing one's
pronouncements belong to love
as much as a capacity for explicit
confession
the person who cannot tolerate secrets
who in the name of
being honest always has to share
everything
information so wounding it cannot be
forgotten
that person is no friend of love
furthermore
if we suspect and we should rather
regularly if the relationship is a good
one
if we suspect that our partner might be
lying a bit as well
maybe about what they're thinking about
or how they judge our work or
about where they were last night well
then it's perhaps best not to lay into
them like a sharp inquisitor
however intensely we yearn to do just
that
it may be kinder wiser and perhaps more
in the true spirit of love
to pretend we simply didn't notice
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