Did you see the results?
-Yeah. -Landslide victory for...
Modi, Modi, Modi.
I told you. I said, "Don't do Indian elections."
Why can't I talk about Indian politics? I'm Indian.
You're Indian? You didn't even live there.
How do you call yourself an Indian?
My family's from there.
People think that you're American. You're a white washed.
No, I'm not. You know me and uncle are brown, you know that.
How? But you don't behave like a brown.
-What does that even mean? -You think that you're a smart white dude.
Sorry, you're not.
If you don't want me to talk about politics,
-what do you want me to talk about? -Go ahead with Bollywood.
-I'm not talking about Bollywood. -You should.
-I'm not talking about Bollywood. -No, Indian food.
-The spicy Indian food. -Oh, yeah.
Biryani.
-You want me to do 26 minutes... -Oh, yes.
on biryani?
Yeah, you can do an hour.
You could do an hour.
Okay. What if I just do the update on what happened?
-Apology is the only update you can give. -Only update you can do.
Maybe you can put it as...
"Patriot Act: Apology Regarding Indian Elections."
You want me to do "Patriot Act: Apology About Indian Elections?"
-Yes. -"Sorry, I Didn't Listen."
Hello. Thank you so much!
Thank you. Hello, how are you? Hi!
Welcome to Patriot Act. I'm Hasan Minhaj. Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Oh, man.
Now, look. India just wrapped up its general election,
and we have to talk about it.
I mean, can you imagine if we didn't?
Like every white person would be like, "Is Hasan okay?"
And every Indian person would be like, "Good, he learned."
So here's a quick update. This election pretty much came down to two parties.
The BJP, a right-wing Hindu Nationalist group
led by incumbent Prime Minister, Narendra Modi,
and the Congress Party, led by Rahul Gandhi.
And the results were stunning.
Prime Minister Narendra Modi is celebrating a sweeping victory
Narendra Modi now set for a second five-year term as prime minister
of the world's biggest democracy.
Ladies and gentlemen, India has spoken,
and India has spoken decisively.
Okay, that's Navika Kumar,
and we featured her the last time we talked about the elections.
So she hit me up on Twitter
and invited me to come on her show for a debate.
And I said...
"Hell no." That show is way too intense.
I would get destroyed like King's Landing.
Make your point!
All right, make your point!
Respond to the basic issues.
Can you just calm down?
Why are you getting personal?
I think you suffer from amnesia.
Stop playing the victim card.
You did not make the political point that you should have.
Do they just slap everyone right before they put them on air?
Also, how do they fit so many people on that show?
It's like they mapped the population of India onto their news shows.
Now, look.
We know this. It's not a huge surprise that the BJP won.
It was the size of their victory that was shocking.
Modi's BJP Party won 303 out of 542 seats
in the lower House of Parliament. It's well beyond the simple majority
a party in India needs to form a government.
The BJP took so many seats,
they won a majority on their own.
They pulled it off by expanding beyond the Hindi Belt,
which sounds like something Gucci got in trouble for selling.
But...
the Hindi Belt is actually a region
that's made up entirely of Hindi-speaking states.
In this election, the BJP managed to expand
into every part of India.
They are now 56% of the lower House of Parliament.
Meanwhile, the Congress Party ended this election with 52 seats.
That's not even 10% of the lower house.
And if you think things couldn't get any worse for Rahul Gandhi,
you're very wrong.
And one of the highlights of the BJP's amazing victory is Amethi,
where the party's Smriti Irani defeated Congress President Rahul Gandhi.
An event that has led to even more humiliation for the congress.
I would like to say Smriti Irani has won.
I want to congratulate her. The citizens of a Amethi have decided.
I respect their decision.
Okay, Rahul couldn't even win his own district,
which his family held for decades.
He lost to a BJP candidate named Smriti Irani,
who's a former soap opera star.
And trust me, she does not fuck around.
Okay, why did they film this entire show on Google Street View?
It feels like the director is like, "Wait.
I'm just looking for a brunch spot. Let me just...
let me just get my Matrix on."
Killing the competition isn't just a metaphor.
The BJP ran some wild candidates.
Like Anantkumar Hegde who said,
"As long as we have Islam in the world, there will be no end to terrorism,"
which kind of sounds like Stephen Miller's wedding vows.
Or Sakshi Maharaj, who has 34 criminal cases against him,
including robbery and murder,
but by far the craziest BJP candidate was Pragya Thakur, who won in Bhopal.
Now, she recently pissed off pretty much all of India.
Sadhvi Pragya has proved to be the biggest embarrassment for the BJP.
She has called Mahatma Gandhi's assassin a patriot.
You can't say that.
That's like calling Ted Bundy a ladies man.
Now, Pragya eventually apologized.
But this isn't the first time she's run into trouble.
Last year, a terrorism charge was laid against her
as a suspect in a 2008 mosque bombing that killed six people.
Visiting a Bhopal Hindu temple for a cleansing ceremony,
she adamantly maintains her innocence in the case.
I am 100% innocent.
Okay, technically...
Pragya is out on bail because she has cancer.
But she's also been accused of plotting a deadly bomb attack.
So, I just don't know how to do this joke.
You know what I mean? 'Cause, like, what was her Make-A-Wish?
You know what I mean? They were like, "Hey, do you want to meet The Rock?"
And then she was like, "Can he help me blow up a mosque?"
I told you it was fucked up.
Now look, it's easy to reduce the BJP's popularity to one issue,
whether you look Pragya and think Hindu nationalism
or you look at Congress and you think of corruption and incompetence.
But don't forget one of the biggest reasons the BJP won
is Narendra Modi himself.
Voters wanted him to be the face of India.
So even though he's known for not taking questions from the press,
the stakes of this election were so high, even he had to sit down for an interview
with one of the most feared journalists in India,
Bollywood star Akshay Kumar.
The fashion statement you make is very interesting.
Have you styled it yourself?
This is a good question.
I want to know if you eat mangoes.
I eat mangoes, and I enjoy it very much.
Okay, that sounds like a five-year-old interviewing their doll.
Akshay's like, "Do you like mangoes?
I like mangoes.
Would you like some more tea?"
He's so charming, I almost forgot about the Rafale scandal.
Now, I totally get why Indians love Modi.
He's so Indian. The day before voting ended,
he climbed the Himalayan Mountains and meditated in a shrine for 18 hours.
He basically did what Americans think Indians do all the time.
Look, you may not agree with his politics, but the man knows a good photo op.
He's like, "Look, I want to meditate. Get the cameras ready."
THERE'S--
FUCK--
THIS IS A THREE CAMERA SHOOT!
Look what they're cutting.
They had to cut wide on the walk. They're getting his lineup.
They got his lineup!
We have multiple angles inside of a cave, you guys.
The point is Modi is savvy and revered,
and I know this because Indian trolls are blowing up my mentions.
They don't like my sweater. They don't like my hand motions.
This person just wants me to know that I'm a son of a bitch.
I love how he wrote, "Just so you know."
He's like, "Hey, just FYI.
You're a son of a bitch."
But I picked up on a general theme.
Modi supporters think I was trying to swing the election.
"Let me take this time to thank Hasan Minhaj,
who helped us elect a right-wing government in India.
Thank you."
Okay, let me make this very clear.
Comedians can't swing elections.
This is insane.
George W. Bush won twice when Jon Stewart was on the air.
We're talking peak Stewart, you guys.
He had black hair. He had the shoulder pads.
He took down Crossfire.
Everyone was like, "I get my news from J-Stew.
He's the truth-teller."
Meanwhile, Bush went back-to-back. Comedians don't do shit.
But...
I can't go online
without Desi trolls telling me I ruined democracy.
So clearly, I didn't need to go to Navika's show.
Navika's show came to me.
I think he made Modi win.
Why is he talking about Indian politics anyway?
He has no clue about Narendra Modi. He has no clue about BJP.
This guy's an anti-Indian.
You are my least favorite Daily Show correspondent.
-Not funny. -Excuse me.
That is not the point. Can I make my point?
-Can I make my point? -Make your point!
It's only Modi, Modi, Modi for him.
I tried to tell him not to talk about this,
and he never listened to me.
He's a complete idiot and a buffoon.
Why are you getting personal?
Why are you getting personal? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Let's not get personal.
Hasan Minhaj is a son of a bitch!