>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT THERE.
"THE LATE SHOW"" BAND.
FANTASTIC.
LOUIS, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING TONIGHT?
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL GUITAR.
>> THIS IS MY FIRST ELECTRIC GUITAR.
I HAVE HAD THIS GUITAR SINCE I WAS 17 YEARS OLD.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS YOUR FIRST ELECTRIC GUITAR?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY INSTRUMENTS TO YOU PLAY, LOUIS?
>> A FEW.
>> I GOT ATOM BRON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT THAN GUITAR PLAYING.
WHAT'S A DIFFERENT SKILL REQUIRED FOR TROMBONE PLAYING
THAT YOU DON'T NEED FOR GUITAR PLAYING.
ABTITURE.
THAT'S THE POSITIONING OF YOUR MOUTH SO YOU CAN CHANGE THE TONE
IN THE BRASS INSTRUMENT BETWEEN THE PARTIALS OF THE BRASS
INSTRUMENT.
>> Stephen: THE PARTIAL.
>> YOU PLAYED BARITONE FOR A SKIT, RIGHT?
YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: I HAD TO DO THAT ONCE.
BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I WAS 24, OR SOMETHING, I HAD TO
UNDERSTUDY A PART STASTEVE CARELL WAS DOING.
AND HE PLAYED UPON TROMBONE YOU GOT IT!
>> Stephen: I GOT LIKE "ANCHORS AWAY.
THE.
COMING OUT IN JUST A FEW MINUTES HERE, WE HAVE THE
LOVELY, THE TALENTED, RICKY GERVAIS IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE
IN JUST A MOMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
HE HAS A SHOW CALLED "SUPERNATURE."
WE TALK ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF GOD OR NONEXISTENCE OF GOD.
I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THAT TONIGHT.
WE'LL PROBABLY FIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING IN A FRIENDLY WAY.
THAT AND "LORD OF THE RINGS."
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT
OVER THERE, CULTIVATING THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,
PLUCKING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND TOPICAL NEWS VIOLETS AND
MARIGOLDS, STRIPPING THE FRENCH LAVENDER FROM THE STEM AND
LOVINGLY PRESSING THEM ALL BETWEEN THE PAGES OF A GILDED
FIRST EDITION OF "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."
I THEN FOLD THEM INTO A DOUGH I HAND ROLLED FROM PASINI BAKERY
FLOUR, BORDIER BUTTER, AND CHILLED SOMERDALE DEVON DOUBLE
CREAM, SPRINKLE THEM WITH A PINCH OF MUSCOVADO SUGAR, AND
BAKE THEM IN A "LA CORNUE GRAND PALAIS" RANGE TO PERFECTLY PREP
THE GOURMET FLORAL SHORTBREAD COOKIE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I AM NIBBLED AWAKE BY AN AMOROUS
RACCOON IN THE ABANDONED WALK-IN FREEZER OF A HAUNTED BAKERY IN
WHICH I HAVE ESTABLISHED SQUATTER'S RIGHTS, I SLIP INTO
THE TWISTED KITCHENAID PADDLES I CALL SHOES, AND KNIFE FIGHT A
POSSUM FOR AN EXPIRED BAG OF CRUSHED BREAKFAST CEREAL DUST
AND A BROKEN EGG, WHICH I MIX WITH THREE SMUSHED RESTAURANT
BUTTER PACKETS I STOLE FROM A NAPPING RETIREE'S PURSE, POUR
THE REST OF A SHATTERED BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL I FOUND IN
THE DUMPSTER OUT BACK INTO A RUSTY BARREL TO IGNITE THE HOBO
FIRE OVER WHICH I BAKE MY SLUDGE, THEN DISPLAY IT IN A
FILTHY CHEF'S HAT TO SERVE YOU THE DERANGED RAT KING BISCUIT OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU HAVE A GOLDEN TICKET WAITING FOR YOU.
MEANWHILE, IN CYBER CRIME NEWS A GUY WHO SOLD METH UNDER THE
SCREEN NAME "DRUGS R US" IS GOING TO PRISON.
"DRUGS R US"?
WAIT A SECOND.
JIMMY, CAN WE SEE HIS MUG SHOT?
OH, JEFFREY, HOW FAR YOU'VE FALLEN.
AFTER GETTING ARRESTED, MR. "R US" CONTINUED SELLING
DRUGS FROM JAIL.
IN PHONE CALLS THAT WERE RECORDED, INCLUDING ONE WITH HIS
WIFE, SHE SAYS TO HIM, "I DON'T KNOW THE LOGIN FOR THE OTHER
THING, THE DARK WEB," TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "IT'S 'DRUGS R US.'"
THAT IS INSANE.
WE HAVE THE SAME PASSWORD.
( LAUGHTER )
JAMES CROMWELL GLUED HIS HAND TO A STARBUCKS COUNTER IN PROTEST,
DENOUNCING THE SURCHARGE FOR VEGAN MILK ALTERNATIVES.
THAT IS SO INSPIRING.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN GANDHI PROTESTED THE PRICE OF AN ALOHA
PINEAPPLE SMOOTHIE BY ZIP-TYING HIMSELF TO A JAMBA JUICE.
( LAUGHTER )
WHEN YOU LIVE IN REMOTE ALASKA, YOUR DOORDASH ORDER COMES BY
PLANE AND CAN TAKE AS LONG AS A COUPLE OF DAYS.
THE REVIEWS ARE POURING IN, AND THEY ARE AS WARM AS FOOD THAT
SPENT TWO DAYS ON A PLANE.
ONE ALASKAN SAID, "IT'S NOT HOT.
IT'S NOT FRESH.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT HAS THE FLAVOR YOU'RE WANTING."
( LAUGHTER )
SLOGAN FOR PAPA JOHN'S.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, MIGRATING TURTLES DON'T
REALLY KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GOING.
WHAT A STRANGE WAY TO FIND OUT THAT I AM A MIGRATING TURTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
EMERGENCY EXIT OF A UNITED AIRLINES JET, WALKED ONTO A WING
AS THE PLANE TAXIED AT O'HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, AND
JUMPED ONTO THE TARMAC.
TO BE FAIR, THOUGH, THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE WAS
"MORBIUS".
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RICKY GERVAIS.