I didn't know I had sleep apnea my mom
told me it has sleep apnea
I was asleep at her house about six
years ago sleeping in the guest room the
same way I always do just like this and
I woke up my mom set the foot of the bed
like this oh my god John say
you're dying the moment that time
snoring Joseph that is not snoring you
look like this
Joseph you have to go through a doctor
and get that checked out I'm telling you
you're going to die right over to the DA
Joseph because I apartment have you died
oh my god I'll get the mom I'm not gonna
go to a doctor for snoring how long were
you watching me that's creepy
and I kicked her up get out of here get
out of here mom I'm sorry Joseph
I did not mean to startle you it's just
that I was walking to the kitchen and I
heard a noise coming from the guest room
it sounded like someone was killing a
bear and I was like I don't
so I opened the door and I noticed that
it was just you Joseph snoring so I'm
sorry you don't have to go to a doctor
just go to sleep go to sleep and die
[Applause]
so I went back to sleep same [ __ ] my
mom's at the foot of the bed with a
[ __ ] camcorder I got it on BJ
you [ __ ] recorded me I Han Jahn that
I put it on all right mama watch a
videotape I can't believe he recorded me
mom just watch all right put it in don't
you put the tape in before she press
play this is what my mom did everybody
come downstairs
[Music]
[Applause]
we're going to watch Johnson sleep
it's gonna read she pressed play I
washed it it's the creepiest video ever
see it shot at that backlight you know I
mean like that surveillance video [ __ ]
it's pitch dark in the hallway my mom
can't even see herself she's just
standing from the camera and she's
documenting the whole thing like she's
she's on discovery
we're outside my son's room he says that
sorry and I told him that he's not
snoring so I'm going to get this on
videotape that way he'll see it and then
go to a doctor let's take a closer look
I watched the videotape it's horrible
it's horrible and I saw myself sleeping
I couldn't believe it I ended up going
to a sleep center I had to go there they
had to monitor my sleeping behavior you
know I mean they the doctor put all
these wires on my toes
these wires on my fingertips chest pass
them onto my heart they put this crown
on my head to monitor my brain waves
when the doctor put all that [ __ ] on me
he was like all right you can sleep now
thing are you [ __ ] kidding me it
looked like a Christmas tree when I fell
asleep I can sleep in any situation back
then man and I fell asleep the doctor
let me sleep about 15 minutes maybe 15
minutes and he kicked the door open
scared the [ __ ] out of me like he
literally kicked the door boy he was how
long you been sleeping like this I go my
whole life he goes holy [ __ ] cuz I'm
surprised you're not dead yet I go why
he goes you sleep like a 400 pound obese
man I go you seriously goes yeah I'm
serious we want her turn how many times
you wake up admit you I don't know how
many times you wake up a minute I go how
many times you're sixty times a minute
there's only 60 seconds in a minute that
means I've been singing like this my
whole life you want to perform surgery
that week because I want to cut your
soft palate out and your tonsils out
that way you breathe better you haven't
a passage open passes for you to breathe
that I was like well how long is a human
process he goes about three months I go
I can't do that I'm on the road every
week I can't do that he goes well
there's an alternative I go what it was
a CPAP machine yeah if you don't know
what a CPAP machine is I have to wear
this mask on my face all right these two
straps go behind my head it looks like I
have a jock strap on my face this hose
goes out into a machine I press power to
blow the air got my throat but when I
wear it I sleep like an angel just
[Music]
every now and then I'll knock the straps
off
it's like a scene from aliens I don't
tell any girl about this machine until
the first night we do it cuz if I tell
her before it's a deal-breaker no girls
gonna sleep with a guy with a [ __ ]
machine next to his bed she walked into
the room and she sees that machine she's
like what the [ __ ] is that and I just
looked at her go
you