-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show"!
You're here. That's what I'm talking about.
[ Cheering and applause ]
That's a great crowd.
Welcome.
Well, guys, everyone's excited about this --
the NFL playoffs are this weekend.
This is a big deal.
[ Cheering and applause ] Everyone's watching.
The Eagles are taking on
[ Cheering and Whistling ] the 49ers
and the Chiefs are up against the Bengals
[ Cheering and applause ] for a spot in the Super Bowl.
Right before the game, each coach is going to be like,
"Guys, remember if we win,
we get to see Rihanna.
[ Laughter and applause ] Alright? Come on, that's --"
That's right, the Chiefs-Bengals game
is a rematch of last year's championship.
Apparently, the NFL saw how much people loved "Avatar" 2
and thought, "We should do a sequel."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, ahead of this weekend's big games,
I saw some of the players have actually released statements.
Check this out. First up,
Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Up next, Eagles cornerback Darius Slay said...
-Whoo!
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Then, Chiefs wide receiver Mecole Hardman said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then Bengals cornerback Eli Apple said...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -And, finally,
Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes said...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Either way, I can't wait to watch
something exciting this weekend.
Some political news -- this weekend in South Carolina,
former President Trump is holding
his first campaign rally
as a 2024 presidential candidate.
But I read that his team is struggling
to find enough people to attend.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump is smart. Today, his team announced
that his first 10,000 supporters to show up
will receive a free classified document.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I feel like Trump's going to move his speech
to the parking lot of the Chiefs game and brag, like --
[ As Trump ] Wow, what a turnout.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Chiefs versus Bengals -- red hat, orange faces --
[ Laughter and applause ] it's a win-win.
It's a win-win for me.
[ Cheering ]
You can tell Trump's getting desperate for people to show up.
He's even premiering a trailer for the new movie...
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
[ Ohhs ]
Well, last night, President Biden
gave a speech at the White House
and, instead of showing you everything he said,
we thought it'd be more fun to just play a short clip
with absolutely zero context.
[ Laughter ] With that in mind, it's time for
"President Biden with no Context."
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] Enjoy.
[ Upbeat march plays ]
-Oh, you think I'm kidding. I'm not.
[ Laughter ] Especially in the middle of the night,
when she climbs up and lays on top of my head.
♪♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Fresh laughter ] -Whoo!
-Some business news --
following the holiday travel meltdown,
Southwest Airlines said
that they're now testing a new software fix.
Perfect, just in time for the late January travel rush.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, guys, people were talking about this last night --
an asteroid the size of a truck
made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded.
That's definitely the type of news
you want to be told about after it happens.
[ Laughter ]
When the asteroid got super close,
Eagles fans were like, "Not now! Not now!
[ Laughter and applause ] Just wait. We're almost --"
That's right, the asteroid was super close this morning.
When they saw it on the news, the Space Force said,
"Wow, we really got to start checking our email."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some entertainment news --
I saw that '80s singer Rick Astley
is suing the rapper Yung Gravy
for imitating his voice.
And some of the details and terms within the lawsuit
are actually kind of interesting.
At one point, he says that he -- -Ah!
I know where this is going.
Does it say that he's never gonna give you up?
[ Laughter ] -No, I was going to say the lawsuit claims
Yung Gravy deliberately did an exact imitation
of Rick Astley throughout his hit song "Betty."
Another detail I found surprising was that he --
-Here we go!
[ Laughter ] What'd he say, that he's
never gonna let you down?
[ Laughter ]
-No, I was going to say that Astley did the --
licensed the song, the instrumental of the song,
which is not his voice.
Kind of weird, murky legal territory.
Anyway, that's all.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, well,
I'm sorry for being so, you know, defensive, Jimmy.
I just assumed that you were going to use this
as an easy opportunity to, you know, rickroll me.
[ Laughter ]
-No, of course I wouldn't rickroll you, Tariq.
I mean -- ♪♪
♪ We've known each other ♪
[ Cheering, rhythmic clapping ] ♪ For so long ♪
♪ You know the rules ♪
♪ And so do I, so do I ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪ Never gonna give you up ♪
♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
♪ Never gonna turn around and desert you ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hey, guys, I heard about a company that's offering
to pay a couple $1,000 to build IKEA furniture together.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-I don't know if you've ever tried
to put IKEA furniture together
with your spouse, but,
it ain't worth $1,000, I'll tell you that much.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, guys, as I mentioned,
this weekend is the NFL's conference championships.
Whoever wins is going to the Super Bowl
and Sunday afternoon's game has the Philadelphia Eagles
facing off against the San Francisco 49ers.
[ Applause and cheering ] Now, as you know, at the end of every season,
they give out awards, like Most Valuable Player,
but they also give out awards during the playoffs.
I'll show you what I mean. It's time
for "Tonight Show Superlatives." Here we go.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-♪ Tonight Show Superlatives ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Our first player is from the Eagles.
It's their backup quarterback...
He was voted...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
-Wow! -Next up from the 49ers is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
"You better not break her heart, man!"
[ Laughter ]
Next up from the Eagles is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up from the 49ers is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -Next up from the Eagles is...
[ Cheering ] He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up from the 49ers is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, from the 49ers is...
[ Cheering ] He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ] There you go, everybody.
Those knows your "Superlatives."