EVERYBODY FOR COMING DOWN, HAVE I TO TELL YOU HAVE HAVE COME ON
QUITE THE NIGHT, YOU HAVE COMEp, IAN, WE'VE GOT A HUGE GUEST IN
THE AUDIENCE. DO YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE THIS
GUEST, TELL US WHO IS HERE. >> WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO BOOK HER
FOR ABOUT EIGHT YEARS NOW AND WE FINALLY MADE IT HAPPEN, MY
MOTHER, SUE KARMEL. >> James: SUE KARMEL.
THERE SHE IS. THANK YOU FOR COMING, SUE.
BLESS YOU FOR BEING HERE. IS THAT YOUR DATE THERE NEXT TO
YOU? >> THE LAMP?
>> James: NO THE GENTLEMAN THERE, IS THAT YOUR DATE, SUE.
>> OKAY. I AM OPEN TO IT.
>> James: WOW, I SEE WHERE HE GETS IT FROM.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO CALL YOU DAD BUT YOU ARE WELCOME AT OUR
THANKSGIVING DINNER. >> James: WELL LOOK, IT'S THAT
TIME, IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS. AND SOME BIG NEWS TODAY,
TWITTER AND ELON MUSK HAVE REACHED A DEAL FOR THE
BILLIONAIRE TO PURCHASE THE SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANY
AND TAKE IT PRIVATE. THE BOARD AGREED TO THE DEAL
THIS AFTERNOON, ACCEPTING MUSK'S $44 BILLION DOLLAR DILL.
$44 BHLT. IMAGINE HAVING SO MUCH MONEY
THAT YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO BUY HELL.
MUSK'S BID WAS APPROVED TODAY BY TWITTER'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
WHICH I ASSUME CONSISTS OF CRYING MICHAEL JORDAN, KEYBOARD
CAT, AND THE DISTRACTED BOYFRIEND GUY.
BUT I GUESS THIS MAKES SENSE, MUSK IS USED TO DOING THE
IMPOSSIBLE. THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
HE SEES SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE AND HE MAKES IT HAPPEN.
HE IS BUILDING THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER
ELECTRIC CAR. BLASTING OFF INTO OUTER SPACE.
AND NOW, SOMEHOW MAKING TWITTER EVEN WORSE.
QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING NO, I HATES THIS.
THEN LEAVE IT, THEN DON'T BE THERE.
IT IS NOT LIKE SITTING IN THE BAR WHAT, IT IS UNDER NEW
MANAGEMENT, I'M NOT COMING, THIS IS GOING TO BE-- HEY, THIS IS
TERRIBLE. I'M NOT GOING-- CAN I GET A
MENU, THANK YOU. I HATE THIS.
I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS. OH, THE CRAB, SOUNDS LOVELY.
JUST DON'T GO. JUST DON'T GO, LEAVE, WHAT I AM
SAYING IS [BLEEP] OFF. >> James: IN OTHER NEWS, DEFENSE
SECRETARY LLOYD AUSTIN, AND SECRETARY OF STATE ANTHONY
BLINKEN MET WITH VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY IN KYIV YESTERDAY.
THE FIRST TIME TOP U.S. OFFICIALS HAVE TRAVELED TO
UKRAINE SINCE THE RUSSIAN INVASION BEGAN.
HERE THEY ARE HERE, THAT PHOTO LOOKS LIKE, AT A
WEDDING, WHEN THE GROOM HAS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH
THE BRIDE'S DIVORCED PARENTS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ON, JUST
GETS ON FOR A DAY, JUST A DAY. SERIOUSLY, IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE OR THE SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR HANDS.
YOU GUYS GOING STRAIGHTS DOWN, I WAS GOING HERE, STRAIGHT DOWN.
WHILE THEY WERE OVER THERE, THE AMERICANS INFORMED
ZELENSKYY THAT U.S. EMBASSY STAFF WOULD BEGIN RETURNING TO
KIEV AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. TO WHICH THE EMBASSY STAFF
WAS LIKE "SORRY, WHAT NOW?" AND EMMANUEL MACRON HAS BEEN
ELECTED TO A SECOND TERM BECOMING THE FIRST FRENCH
PRESIDENT TO WIN RE-ELECTION IN TWENTY YEARS.
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT MACRONS. YOU ALWAYS GO BACK FOR SECONDS.
HE DEFEATED FAR-RIGHT CHALLENGER MARINE LE PEN, AND IT'S NOT
GOING OVER WELL WITH HER SUPPORTERS.
TODAY HER CAMPAIGN LAWYER DEMANDED THEY "STOP LE STEAL!"
DEMANDED THEY "STOP LE STEAL!"
THE ELECTION SAW THE COUNTRY'S LOWEST TURNOUT IN FIFTY YEARS.
SO, THIS ISN'T SO MUCH A VICTORY FOR MACRON AS IT IS
PEOPLE IN FRANCE JUST GOING: AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
WHILE A WOMAN WAS USING AN OUTHOUSE AT A NATIONAL PARK IN
WASHINGTON STATE THE OTHER DAY, HER PHONE FELL INTO THE TOILET
HOLE AND OF COURSE, SHE TRIED TO RETRIEVE IT.
SO SHE USED A DOG LEASH TO SECURE HERSELF TO THE TOILET,
BUT AS SHE REACHED FOR HER PHONE, SHE FELL IN HEADFIRST,
AND HAD TO CALL 911 TO BE RESCUED.
EVEN SIRI WAS LIKE "SAVE YOURSELF! LEAVE ME HERE! JUST
GO!" I THINK ABOUT AIL OF THE PEOPLE
WHO TRAINED TO BECOME FIREFIGHTERS
FIREFIGHTERS SO THAT THEY COULD SAVE BABIES FROM A BURNING
BUILDING, BUT INSTEAD GOT TASKED WITH SAVING A HIKER STUCK IN A
TOILET. HOY DID YOU CONVINCE THEM THAT
THIS SRCHT A FRANK, LIKE HELLO 911?
I'M STUCK IN A TOILET HOLE. DON'T HANG UP!"
LET'S PRETEND, YOU CALL 911. I AM THE OPERATOR.
AND YOU ARE STUCK IN A TOILET OIL, OKAY.
"9-1-1, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?" >> HEY.
(LAUGHTER) >> DO YOU NEED FIRE, AMBULANCE.
>> YEAH, ALL OF THOSE. ALL OF THEM.
>> James: WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY?
>> YOU KNOW HOW WE ALL STARTED STOCKING UP ON LIKE ALCOHOL LAND
CLEANSER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC?
I NEED YOU TO JUST SORT OF SEND ALL OF THAT.
>> James: I DON'T KNOW IF I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THIS YVMENT
DID SHE ATTACH HERSELF WITH A DOG LEASH.
>> I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TOpLIT MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
>> James: WHOOSH DOWN. >> INTO THE TOILET, PLUCK THE
PHONE OUT AND THEN SHOW BACK UP. >> James: HERE IS MY OTHER
QUESTION, WHERE IS THE DOG? (LAUGHTER)
I I CAN'T WORK THIS OUT. >> I THINK THE DOG WAS MENTS TO
STOP T YOU KNOW. >> James: THE DOG WAS MEANT TO
STOP IT. >> SHE WOULD PULL HIM OUT AND
THE DOG WOULD BE STUCK AT THE TOP OF THE TOILET HOLE.
>> James. >> .
>> IT DEPENDS HOW BUSY THE TRAIL IS.
>> ABOUT TEN FEET. >> James: TEN FEETS.
>> ABOUT TEN FEET. >> WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT?
>> WELL, I HAVE HAD SOME CRAZY TIMES.
>> James: ARE YOU SAYING YOU'VE FALLEN INTO.
>> HAVE I FOLLOWED THIS STORY. >> James: YOU FOLLOWED.
>> YEAH. >> James: WOW, THAT SAY FIRST.
>> YEAH T WAS JUST A HORRIFIC SITUATION, REALLY, AT THE END OF
DAY, BUT SHE, WHAT IS KIND OF TEACHES US, WE CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT OUR PHONE SO MUCH THAT YOU WOULD RISK YOURSELF FALLING
INSIDE OF A HOLE OF [BLEEP] BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT INSTAGRAM OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS.
IF IS INSANE. >> James: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE. >> ANYWAY, THAT'S MY SOAP BOX.
(APPLAUSE) >> A WHOLE LOT OF SOAP JPS AND
FINALLY AIRLINES HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING A SEVERE SHORTAGE
OF PILOTS SO THEY HAVE COME UP WITH AN ALTERNATIVE, AIRLINES
ARE NOW SUSH INSTITUTING BUSES BUSES S ANYONE ELSE FREEZING
COLD SHALL FREEZING-- . WHAT'S GOING ON, IS IT ME OR IS
IT PARTICULARLY COLD. >> FREEZING COLD IN HERE.
>> James: FREEZING COLD. >> THESE HOT JOKES, YOU KNOW.
GOT TO KEEP, GOT TO KEEP THE ROOM COOL OR OTHERWISE THE HOT
JOKES WHETHER OVERHEAT-- . >> James: LOOK AT THAT.
NICK, THIS HAS TO CHANGE. I KNOW WE WANT CUTBACKS, I KNOW
WE SOLD THE BUILDING, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE ON THIS LEVEL
OF COLD. >> YOU ARE RIGHT, NO ONE SHOULD
BE THIS COLD BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN A THOUSAND 50
SHOWS YOU HAVE EVER ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE AIR
CONDITIONING.
>> I'M GOING TO GET RIGHT ON IT, AS SOON AS WE GO TO COMMERCIAL.
>> James: WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET ON IT NOW.
>> I DON'T, I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE NEWS.
>> James: IT IS NOTHING NOW, IT IS ABOUT AN AIRPLANE AND A
GRAPHIC THING, GO ON. AND FINALLY
AND FINALLY, AIRLINES HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING A SEVERE
SHORTAGE OF PILOTS, SO THEY'VE COME UP WITH AN ALTERNATIVE,
AIRLINES ARE NOW SUBSTITUTING BUSES FOR PLANES.
YOU GO TO AN AIRPORT, LOAD ONTO A BUS, AND DRIVE TO
ANOTHER AIRPORT. THE DOWNSIDE IS THAT YOU HAVE TO
TAKE A BUS, BUT AT LEAST YOU STILL GET ALL THE LUXURY AND
EXCITEMENT OF GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY.
AMERICAN AIRLINES HAS ALREADY ANNOUNCED BUS RIDES BETWEEN
PHILADELPHIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AND AIRPORTS IN
ALLENTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA AND ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL STILL SEND YOUR LUGGAGE TO HAWAII.
HERE'S THE AMERICAN AIRLINES BUS, IT LOOKS OKAY,
UNFORTUNATELY, IF YOU'RE ON A TIGHTER BUDGET, YOU MIGHT
END UP ON, THE SPIRIT AIRLINES BUS.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HENRY