Tess Brigham: Hello, everybody, today I'm going to talk to you
about the top three reasons why we as humans seek validation and
approval from others. And then I'm going to share with you my
five best tools that you can use to help you better learn how to
trust yourself and stop seeking approval from other people. So
for all the best information, tools and tips on mental health,
love relationships and career, join me here every single
Thursday. And if you don't know me, I am Tess Brigham licensed
psychotherapist and board certified coach. And I am so
happy to be here and talking about this subject. Because this
is a huge issue for my clients, for two reasons. The main one is
their age, because I work with young adults. And the other one
is, is social media. Social media is a big part of young
people's lives you've been, it's been part of your life for how,
you know, for many, many years. So I often say that there's many
things about getting older that I don't really love. I mean,
listen, my knees hurt, my back hurts all the time, got aches
and pains. But one of the nicer parts about getting older is
that you just have more time on the planet so that you get to
really learn how to trust your instincts. And on top of that,
you just have more experiences, so that when things happen, or
when you run into uncertainty, because you've probably been
through something like this before, it's much easier to
handle. And so this is what I see with my clients is they
really struggle with trying to trust themselves. And what
happens is they don't trust themselves, and they look
outward at other people for validation. So what is
validation? validation is, you know, props for a job well done.
And it's really important, we all need validation on some
level, not just from ourselves, but from other people. It is
important, not saying that it's not. But the problem is, is that
if you only get your sense of self and validation outside of
yourself, if the only way you can feel good is when someone
else from outside of you, not you validates you. The problem
is, is that you're putting all of your your trust, your power,
your sense of self, everything into other people, and you want
to be the main driver of your life, you want to be your
biggest champion. So why do we do this? I talked about the
three reasons, right? Well, there are I can, I can spend
hours talking about this, but I'm gonna hit the highlights the
three main reasons why we seek outside validation. Number one
is it's part of our DNA, we were born and we are, you know, we're
born as babies, we're very vulnerable, we need to be loved
and accepted by our parents. And once upon a time, we were once
cave persons, we were all out in the world, it was all about
survival. And so you had to be part of a tribe, a group, and
you have to be accepted by that group. And if you weren't, you
were out. And that met that woman death. So it's part of who
we are as people, then what happens is we go off into the
world, we get older, and then we enter into late elementary and
middle school, and all of that stuff gets reinforced again, the
need to belong, the need to be approved, then need to be seen,
as you know, like everybody else. Right? Those years are
really hard, because if you're anything different, you're
criticized and judged, though, I want to say that life has gotten
a little better over the years. But it still is incredibly
difficult to be a young person. Right now, no matter who you
are. So Middle School, we have the K person DNA, middle school
reinforces it. And then you get out into the world and social
media almost kind of hammers at home, right? Suddenly, in the
world of social media, right? approval likes, it gets really
easy, and it gets almost addicting. And so what happens
is, is that you post a picture on Instagram, and suddenly
you're judging whether or not it was a good memory or a good day
or a good picture based on how many likes you get how many
comments you get, when in reality, it's your life and you
should be enjoying it, it shouldn't matter how many people
like it. So how do you handle this? How do you deal with this
these issues? How do you seek validation within? Well,
these are my five top tools that I want you to start using. The
number one is you need to start making a list of all of your
accomplishments all the times when you really nailed it, the
times where you felt so in control and really good, you
know, and I want these to be in a list form and you can be
constantly adding them. If you're at work anytime that you
get praised. Or someone says hey, great job or, or you really
nailed it on this thing. I want you to save that email. You
should have something kind of running list that you've created
based on events of your life that you deemed awesome,
wonderful events also from other people, this becomes your
success list, this becomes you at your prime, so that when
you're feeling down or low, or you're looking at your social
media feed going, Why doesn't anyone like my photos, go back
to that list, that list is your master list to show you that you
are awesome, and that you've accomplished so much. Okay.
Number two is, this is a great one, if you're about to give a
presentation, if you're about to do something new and different,
is to do what we call a success review, which is about five
minutes before five minutes before a big presentation, close
your eyes. Visualize yourself at a time where you felt so in
control. So happy, so fulfilled where it felt really like
everything was coming together. And I want you to visualize and
put yourself back in that moment in time. And really walk
yourself through it walking, see yourself going up and walking up
on stage, whatever the moment was. visualization is really
important. And it's very important our brains, our minds,
don't they we can visualize something and our brains will
think it actually has happened. So that's what is so powerful
about it. So success review. All right. So I want to give a shout
out to all of you out there. Who here drop a line, drop me a
note, tell me. Okay, that's it test. I'm going to do this, I'm
going to do a success review or I'm going to do this list. Tell
me about it and tell me how it's going for you. All right. Three
is social media, get off of it. Give yourself like a month long
cleanse, have no social media, no Instagram, no Tick tock, no,
nothing. Social media is one of those things where you really
have to limit it. And I know this for myself as well. If I'm
on it too long, I start to go I'm not as successful as this
person, what am I doing with my life, they have such a better
life than I do. I just go down a rabbit hole just like you. So
avoid social media. That's the third tool. Number four is when
you're feeling low, go and do something you're really good at.
So confidence is a muscle. And so when we do things that make
us feel confident, and sure of ourselves, what happens is it
builds more confidence and more confidence makes us really go
and say okay, I'm going to do this now. And I'm going to you
feel the start to feel even more confident. And then that builds
upon itself, right. So a lot of times when we're feeling low, or
we feel like we have a new job and the new job is really tough,
it's hard to figure out and there's so many new things, go
do something that you're really good at, whether you're an
awesome writer, or you love to run and you're super fast. Or if
you are a master knitter or you love trivia, whatever it is, go
do it. Okay, and so finally, number five is this. have
empathy for other people, and compassion for yourself. empathy
for other people means being able to put yourself in their
shoes and understand, you know, things are really difficult for
that person. And I can put myself in their shoes and
understand that, that life is hard for them at times, and
compassion for yourself is being able to look at yourself and go,
I am human. I make mistakes. I don't do everything perfectly.
But when I think about other people and and what they're
doing, I try to be kind to them. So why can't I be kind to
myself, I add this in because a lot of this validation stuff is
about our judgment of ourselves and other people what we value
as being successful, what we value as being beautiful, what
we value as being like they have a worldly life and I don't have
a worldly life. It's not about being in a competition with
anybody else.
It's about you focusing on you. Alright, I know you've got this.
So if you feel like you're trusting, if you're struggling
with trusting your own instinct, I actually have something for
you right here. on my YouTube channel. I have a 30 day
challenge called Out with the old in with the you it is 30
days, you can do all 30 or just a couple but it is all geared
towards helping you understand your instincts. If you like this
video and feel like you have a friend who would appreciate it,
please share, share it out to the world. You know, spread the
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it, subscribe. I'm here every single Thursday. Alright, that's
it for today. I'll see you next time. Bye.