I AM GENUINELY FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW ABOUT THIS WHOLE BREXIT
THING.
AFTER WE DID OUR FRIDAY SHOW, I WENT HOME, AND I WAS PRETTY
TIRED, I WENT TO BED.
I'M LYING IN BED AND IT'S NEARLY MIDNIGHT EAST COAST TIME AND MY
WIFE IS ALREADY ASLEEP NEXT TO ME AND I'M GOING THROUGH THE
IPad, AND IT SAYS CHAOS IN EUROPE, BRITAIN FALLS.
WEIVED TOLD IT WAS GOING AWAY FROM BREXITING.
I HAD BEDROCK BELIEF AND FRIENDS WHO SAID, DON'T WORRY, WE'RE
VERY SENSIBLE PEOPLE.
IT'S A LOT OF TALK, WE DON'T DO THAT SORT OF STUFF HERE.
THEY WERE WRONG.
AND IT REALLY KIND OF CRUSH MISVIEW OF, LIKE, WHAT CAN
HAPPEN THAT IS BAD THAT WE DON'T THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
LIKE, IT'S JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
JEB'S SUPPOSED TO GET THE NOMINATION!
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
AND IT JUST KIND OF PROVES PEOPLE OVER THERE ANT LIKELY
SMART, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S JUST THE ACCENT MAKES THEM SEEM
SMART.
IT'S REALLY JUST A LIE.
( BRITISH ACCENT ) "EVERYONE IS JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE, SO SHALL I
AS WELL."
(LAUGHTER) "YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT IF I STILL HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY."
(LAUGHTER) "SAY, IS THIS ELECTRICAL SOCKET
STILL WORKING?
I WILL FIND OUT BY PLACING MY TALLYWACKER IN THERE.
AW, MY WORD."
OH!
ZOUNDS!
(LAUGHTER) YOU IDIOTS.
WELL, YOU'VE HAD YOUR LITTLE VOTE AND NOW THE BRITISH ECONOMY
IS TANKING.
THE POUND HAS PLUNGED TO ITS LOWEST LEVEL SINCE 1985.
RIGHT NOW, THE MOST STABLE CURRENCY IN THE U.K. IS THE
CADBURY CREME EGG.
(LAUGHTER) OKAY?
THAT'S BEFORE THE VOTE.
THIS IS AFTER THE VOTE.
AND IT AIN'T JUST OVER THERE.
HERE IN AMERICA, ON FRIDAY THE DOW LOST 611 AND THEN ALMOST 300
MORE TODAY.
DOW POINTS.
WHATEVER THAT IS.
IT WAS SO SHOCKING, YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED ME OVER WITH WHAT'S
LEFT OF YOUR 401K.
(LAUGHTER) ALL IN ALL, ON FRIDAY, GLOBAL
MARKETS SUFFERED LOSSES OF OVER $2 TRILLION, THE WORST SINGLE
DAY LOSS IN HISTORY.
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME I'VE HAD TO SAY THOSE WORDS IN LAST EIGHT
YEARS.
WHICH MEANS I GET TO PUNCH MY GLOBAL ECONOMIC MELTDOWN CARD.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
THERE YOU GO.
AND THERE YOU GO.
I GOT TWO.
I GOT ONE, TWO.
JUST ONE MORE AND I GET A FREE --
EVERYTHING, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO MORE CURRENCY.
WE WILL BARTERING WITH BABY TEETH.
MM-HMM.
(LAUGHTER) YOU PUT THE BABY TEETH IN A
GOURD AND IT KEEPS AWAY THE EVIL SPIRITS!
(LAUGHTER) I HOPE THAT'S A JOKE.
(LAUGHTER) SO THAT'S THE MADNESS.
HERE'S THE CRAZY PART: IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST TWO YEARS
FOR BRITAIN TO LEAVE THE E.U.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING TO YOUR WIFE, "THINGS ARE NOT WORKING OUT, I
NEVER LOVED YOU, I WANT A DIVORCE.
BUT I AM GOING TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH FOR TWO YEARS.
YOU'RE COOL IF SHEILA CRASHES HERE TOO, RIGHT?
YOU WOULD LIKE EACH OTHER."
(LAUGHTER) AND IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF
BRITISH PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON.
HE KNEW THE BREXIT WOULD BE A DISASTER, BUT HE PROMISED A
VOTE JUST TO GET ELECTED.
AND WHEN THE DISASTER HE PREDICTED CAME ABOUT, HE
ADDRESSED A PANICKED BRITISH PUBLIC.
>> I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN AS PRIME MINISTER TO STEADY THE
SHIP OVER THE COMING WEEKS AND MONTHS, BUT I DO NOT THINK IT
WOULD BE RIGHT FOR ME TO TRY TO BE THE CAPTAIN THAT STEERS OUR
COUNTRY TO ITS NEXT DESTINATION.
>> STEPHEN: BOLD LEADERSHIP.
IT REMINDS ME OF THIS COURAGEOUS MOMENT FROM THE TITANIC:
>> "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. I'VE STEERED THE SHIP
INTO AN ICEBERG.
I BELIEVE IT WOULD BE BEST IF SOMEONE ELSE TOOK OVER AND
STEERED IT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE ATLANTIC!"
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: MM-HMM.
OF COURSE.
(APPLAUSE) OF COURSE, NOT ALL BRITS ARE
SITTING AROUND ASKING "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?"
MOST OF THEM GOOGLED IT.
THE SEARCH: "WHAT HAPPENS IF WE LEAVE THE
E.U.?" SPIKED BY OVER 250% "AFTER" POLLS CLOSED.
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE GOOGLING "WHAT HAPPENS AFTER UNPROTECTED
SEX?" ON YOUR WAY TO THE BABY SHOWER.
IN FACT, THERE'S BEEN SO MUCH BREXIT REMORSE THAT PEOPLE ALL
OVER WERE TWEETING WITH #REGREXIT.
VERY CUTE.
BUT I GOT TO SAY, NO DISREPEXIT, BUT YOUR BREXIT REFER-EXIT COULD
CAUSE A GLOBAL ECONOMIC DEPREXIT.
WHAT THE FEXIT, REGREXIT!?
YOU CAN SUCK MY DEXIT!
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL LEGAL!
OF COURSE, MANY BRITS ARE TAKING THIS WITH THEIR TRADEMARK STIFF
UPPER LIP.
JOINING US NOW, LIVE VIA SATELLITE, IS ONE BRITISH VOTER
WHO HAS STAYED CHEERFUL.
SHE'S A CHILD CARE WORKER, AND SHE'S ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.
PLEASE WELCOME, MARY P.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HELLO, MARY.
>> HELLO!
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?
>> OH, PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!
♪ JUST A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR HELPS THE MEDICINE GO DOWN...
MMM.
OH, MUMMY'S SUGAR BURNS.
(LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: WOW, MARY, SEEMS
LIKE THIS BREXIT VOTE HAS REALLY FREAKED YOU OUT.
>> NO, STEPHEN!
NOT AT ALL.
YES, I VOTED TO LEAVE, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN.
I JUST WANTED POLISH IMMIGRANTS TO STOP STEALING ALL THE NANNY
JOBS!
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANY PANIC OVER THERE?
>> NO, NO.
NOT A WHIT.
>> SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, LOVE.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
>> HE'S RIGHT.
GAME OVER, MAN!
I'M OUT OF HERE!
>> Stephen: MARY, MARY!
O LONG, SUCKERS!
I'VE GOT AN AUSTRIAN PASSPORT!
♪ THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND --♪S
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: MARY P., EVERYONE.