greetings Ted community so good to see
you welcome to the latest of our daily
live conversations in these weird days
of the virus good to have you with us
whether you're getting isolated at home
maybe with with a loved one or with
family
maybe you're by yourself maybe you have
symptoms our hearts go out to you maybe
you've lost someone maybe you know
medical workers on the front line and
you're worried for them or maybe you
think this whole thing as a pumped-up
panic by the media whoever you are
you're welcome here for for this next
hour I think it's an important
conversation you know every morning I I
the first news headline I look at it's
not a headline it's it's a graph there's
a site war domitor dot info that has
grass side I want to show you the the
graph for that today here's it looks
like I don't if you can do this I hope
you like the super high-tech production
values here by the way that is not a
pretty graph that is what exponential
growth looks like more than sixty
thousand new cases outside China today
and in the last two that you know that
in the whole time in China this was
raging
they notched up about eighty thousand
cases on the official numbers the world
outside China in the last two days said
one over a hundred thousand cases and
u.s. is now number one the more the
nation when this was supposed to go away
pretty quickly now has more cases in
anywhere else in the loss of my
eighty-five thousand and growing fast
and New York where I'm sitting where the
whole ten team is based is the epicenter
in the US so it's a scary time to be
here in New York there's some truly
horrible stories coming out of some of
the hospitals that are in danger of
getting overrun huge efforts being made
there but and of course many other parts
of the world we've we've we've heard
some of the darker
boys that are out there so it's you know
it's it's an alarming time I'd like
anyone who looks at the numbers
understands what exponential growth is
it's an alarming time there'll be days
in the coming couple weeks where sixty
thousand new cases in a day will seem
wonderfully good news and I wasn't going
to go higher and and so I suspect we're
in this for a long time to go basically
for many of us just our lives completely
different from what they normally are
many of us isolated in some form or
other at home and in a way we're the
lucky ones as others who can't afford to
do that we're having to go out the works
somehow makes some kind of living and in
doing so may feel that they're putting
themselves at at risk though you know
these are hard our days and we're gonna
have to get used to a bunch of new ways
to be a new ways to connect with each
other because we can't actually be
isolated we're human beings we're social
species we have to connect with other
people we just have to and thankfully
there are many ways that it is still
possible to do that many beautiful ways
and ways that we're discovering and
we're going to spend this hour devoted
to that and thinking about that I like
to invite on my car's Whitney Pennington
Rogers that's currently fair's curator
Whitney hello how are you I'm doing okay
I'm doing okay and I'm really looking
forward to hearing more about what
you've shared just how we can and really
stay connected which i think is so
important for us and so you know where
we're bringing you an interview today
with Priya Parker she's the author of
the art of gathering and her work really
focuses on how we can develop and and
and really sustain those meaningful
connections and she's sharing some
insight onto how we can continue to have
gatherings that are intentional and add
great value to our lives during the
pandemic as Chris mentioned you know on
the point of connection we had some
connectivity issues that would have made
it really challenging for us to invite
Priya to do this interview live so we
pre-recorded it
and you know we really are looking
forward to seeing what you all share
about your own experiences with creating
these connections and so we stopped took
a lot of value from this and look
forward to hearing what your thoughts
are and hope that this is something that
you enjoy listening to well thank you
especially given the comp special
accommodations you had to make thank you
so much for for making the time for this
and I you know I think especially about
having as we're having a conversation
about connection this feels somehow
really really related and relevant it
seems like it makes a lot of sense that
you know we're talking about how we can
have connections in these trying times
and create creative ways to do that and
I think Before we jump into this
conversation a little bit more I'd love
to just talk a little bit first about
your own background so you are the
author of a book called the art of
gathering and you know you think a lot
about how we can have meaningful
connections create meaningful gatherings
but you're not an event planner so I'd
love to hear a little bit more about the
the lens through which you approach
gathering sure so I'm a group conflict
resolution facilitator I'm trained in
the methodology of group dialogue so
basically how do you bring together a
group of people three or more though I'm
often doing it with 12 people or 40
people or 300 people in a room and have
meaningful conversation meaningful
dialogue that actually creates a
different outcome for that community
based on how you structure the
conversation and I wrote this book the
art of gathering in part because I was
frustrated by kind of what popular
culture tells us about what creates
magic between people which if you kind
of boil it down very simply it's like if
you get the things right if you get the
fish knives right or if you get the food
right or if you get the tablecloth right
everything else will take care of itself
that that magic will happen through
people because of the luck of their
chemistry and I know as a trained
facilitator that that's just not true
and going to gathering after gathering
in all types of contexts at schools and
the public square
you know conferences birthday parties I
would get really frustrated seeing hosts
take a lot of time and a lot of care and
a lot of love pouring their time and
energy into broadly stuff that doesn't
really matter or at least doesn't
actually make connection and intimacy
and meaning and transformation among
people it creates beauty but it doesn't
necessarily create connection and I
wanted to bring the facilitators lens to
how anybody regardless of where you are
you don't need a fancy house you don't
need the right fish knives you don't
need a specific you know computer
program how anybody can create meaning
with the people in their lives any and
you know at work at home and their
community or in the public square that's
great and it seems like you know that's
something that now more than ever we
need to be really thoughtful about that
and I'm curious you know you started to
talk about this a little bit about
people really focusing more on visually
what these gatherings look like I mean
do you feel like collectively we really
struggled with how to create meaningful
gatherings even before we got to this
moment with the coronavirus I think that
many of our gatherings aren't up to
snuff in terms of being memorable and
transformative to the people in them and
I think this is for a lot of different
reasons I think one of the things that I
studied worse were rituals that actually
create transformation in people and and
powerful rituals tend to be specific and
specificity tends to come from sub
communities so for example like 2
million Romanian red thread tying
ceremonies was a very specific ceremony
from with them for a very specific
community or javanese like tooth filing
ceremonies where where there's a
specific act and the people part of that
gathering or part of that community
understands like the symbolic act of
each thing they worship the same God
they eat the same things they dress in
the same way and as we've become
globalized and diverse and and you know
modern in
in a lot of different ways I would argue
all good things
many of our gatherings in part to try to
not offend one another or assume that we
share the same beliefs have become vague
and diluted and so part of what we're
struggling with even well before this
with this pandemic is when people are
coming together to mark a specific
occasion or to meet in a specific way we
tend to under structure and under give
less context and under host our
gatherings in a way that actually
creates meaning among people who don't
all share the same beliefs that's great
I mean and I think that it's now that we
are in this moment and we're spending so
much more time apart from one another
physically it seems like you know
thinking about how we can stay in touch
and how we can stay connected in a
meaningful way that that creates of
course a new challenge but it sounds
like it's much more than just staying in
touch with each other
so I mean how should we change the lens
of how we think about gatherings now
that we are in this in this moment with
this pandemic so we don't know how long
this will last and and the biggest
mistake we make whether you're gathering
online or off is we tend to assume that
the purpose is obvious we tend to assume
that if you're having a work meeting
it's to discuss work or if you're having
a birthday party it's to mark a birthday
and in this time specifically the
biggest way to actually create a
meaningful gathering for your community
is to first ask what is the need like
what is the need for this specific
community at this specific moment in
time and one of the things I've been
watching is as as you know gathering
after gathering is getting postponed or
canceled the ones that are trying to
figure out how to make they're off on
offline Gathering online need to pause
and actually ask given this new reality
what is the need my community now needs
and not assume that the gathering online
should look exactly the same way as it
did offline just sticking a video camera
in front of one another
I knew you know if you're a teacher and
you're trying to figure out how to teach
a course that is you know you have
always taught with people physically
your students physically in the room to
actually pause and not say is my purpose
to teach math perhaps your the purpose
now for the next multiple weeks is to
give confidence to your children to your
students to keep trying through the
mechanism of math I mean I'm kind of
making this up here but part of what the
the key of all of these gatherings is
we're coming together to make them
meaningful is to actually pause and to
not assume we know what the need is or
we know what the purpose is and to begin
by asking first for the specific
community for my family or my friends or
for my cousins or for my group of
activists or for my board members or for
my neighbors this week this day what is
it that we most need and how might we
gather around that or for some people
who are getting zoomed out you know zoom
caught resumed call after zoom call the
need might actually be to cancel a
gathering so I'm not saying gather more
I'm saying gather better and it seems
that doing that also would be different
for those people who maybe we're living
with or you know are isolating with and
those who are not actually physically
spending time with so I guess how should
we think about those connections
differently yeah it's a great question
so you know most many of us are
isolating with family members or
roommates or partners some of us are
alone and most of us are also finding
ways to be connected with those were not
with so I'll sirs first start with the
communities that we're that you're if
you're isolating within which is a
couple of things you know in conflict
resolution one of the first one of the
first things you do as a as a
facilitator is is create ground rules
you know I think of as EA's every
gathering as an opportunity for an
interruption and we right now are in the
greatest moment of global interruption
we faced in a long time and one of the
opportunities for an interruption that
this allows is when for those that
you're you know quarantine
whether they're the people you normally
live with regularly live with or whether
that you have you're an adult and you've
gone home to your you know your adult
parents and you're renegotiating what it
actually looks like to live together
during this period when you weren't
expecting it is to actually first pause
and let's create some ground rules you
don't have to call it that but for some
ground rules they say how do we want to
live together how do we want to be
together do we want to have specific
evenings a week where we come together
and we have dinner and are the rest of
the week we're on our own how do we want
to actually share food and to not assume
that you kind of have to be together the
whole time all the time but to actually
have clear honest conversations to
navigate both physical and psychological
and interconnected space together and
then and then once you've done that I
think the the second thing around those
who are isolating and creating
meaningful gatherings together at home
is to really think about you know there
there's this in my in my book I talk
about the Passover principle which is
the first question I'm not Jewish but
studied many different types of
gatherings in my research and one of the
questions that that the Jews ask during
Passover Seder the first question is
roughly translated as how is this night
different than all other nights and I
think that that is a question that is so
powerful and is applicable to every
gathering you've ever hosted
so as you're home with your family or
with your friends or with your partner
to begin to ask how do you begin to mark
the days so that they don't all blend in
with each other you know what is Tuesday
evening how do you want to come together
could you you know set up a list of
questions of questions you would never
you know typically ask one another at a
normal evening but how do you actually
come together and answer the you know
thirty four questions to fall in love
with anybody questions or or find a way
to have conversations with your parents
or with your grandparents that that
normal times don't allow for and then to
your second point around how do we
create meaning or connection with those
who with whom or not with there are you
know melot's sort of the same question
which is map out your community
and ask what is what do they need and
what do you need and in some cases it
might be just a simple kind of passive
experiencing something together through
connecting and kind of sync watching
something so like the Metropolitan Opera
every night is doing live streams of
their operas around you know online
there's many types of cultural and art
institutions that are actually making
free a lot of their content and so at
kind of a low participation rate but
just kind of wanting to do something
together the equivalent of going to
watch the movies you can actually sync
watch these things together at a higher
level of engagement one of the forms of
meaning-making is to actually think
about what are the conversations or how
do you want to engage with one another
through either a shared activity or or
or sharing activity over this course of
time I went in 2012 Bruce Springsteen
gave this amazing talk at South by
Southwest where he basically kind of
gave his a musical autobiography so like
the songs that most shaped him as a
seven year old as a 13 year old as a 19
year old as a 23 year old it's one of
the most amazing speeches you can ever
read and you can you can look it online
actually this is like what a nerd I am I
like read through the speech and then
just played the song on each song and
Spotify to kind of like have the
experience and I was telling this to a
friend and he said why don't we do that
as a circle of friends
over a series of dinners we you know in
my case is a group of friends who know
each other pretty well and we can kind
of get into the same rut when we hang
out it's great but it was a sort of this
idea of an interruption in the way that
how do we actually have a different kind
of conversation and so we made up the
rules and we called it seven songs and
the invitation was that each friend each
person gets one evening one dinner one
salon where they come and they bring the
seven songs that most shaped them over
the course of their life their their
full life and the rest of us would agree
to kind of listen to them and also to
the songs and there's no reason you
couldn't do that virtually and so when I
say create meaning together you know
meaning is created through specificity
and structure and
a specific purpose and so in this moment
a time when we're not sure how long will
be social distancing or at least
physically distancing to find really
interesting forms of interruptions among
friends and families to say how do we
actually want to use this time together
and to have perhaps conversations that
we typically wouldn't have in this kind
of different moment well I love that I
love how it seems like there's so many
ways that we can take the events that we
already have there are the ways that
we've already been connecting and I
really just modify them and adapt them
to this situation that we're living in
so one thing I'm curious about you you
sort of mention this at the beginning of
your response and thinking about the
ground rules um I'd love to talk a
little bit too about you know what might
some of those ground rules look like
when we're thinking about how we're
connecting and gathering with folks you
know as you mentioned in some cases
where maybe you're isolating together
but maybe that whole living experience
is different that if you're maybe an
adult child who's moving home you know
what is what does that look like how do
you have create those ground rules so
that you can connect to meaningfully
gather meaningfully in a space that
maybe is very different from what your
living situation was like before ground
rules help us create a common social
contract to be able to enjoy each other
so the first thing is people often think
like little rules but actually there are
implicit norms that were sort of
navigating implicitly around each other
and often fights come up because our
norms clash or expectations clash and so
before even having a conversation around
sort of ground rules to answer questions
together like how do we want to think
about who uses what space when and
depending on the physical infrastructure
of your house that might be rotating
through there might be one room and one
office and then six different people
wanting to use it it might be who gets
to use the kitchen at different times so
so norms around physical space asking
questions around are there times where
we would like to actually like how much
together time do each want or need
how much like a part time do we each
want or need I know that in some
families and extended families there's
sort of this norm that when you come
together whether it's Thanksgiving or
whether it's you know Easter or Passover
there's a sense that well we're never
actually together so you kind of do
everything together all day long right
you eat every meal together you can and
yeah it's easy to kind of get fall back
into the routine of what it's like when
you suddenly go home but this time is
very different than that and so part of
this is sort of zooming back and
particularly with adult children within
their parents to begin to ask what are
all of our individual and connecting
collective needs and then how do we
begin to navigate navigate an orient
around this around this this moment
other types of conversations to ask to
have potential years financially are we
sharing costs around certain things how
do we think about if somebody wants to
spend money on something that's shared
and somebody else's want to have it like
how do we want to think about that
what are you know rules around
quarantine you know this is also this is
an inherently relational disease right
that's what a pandemic is and so what
are the rules around which we agree to
enter or exit or procure food and and to
basically you know relationships many of
us are being put into a situation that
we weren't expecting and one of the best
ways again to begin to navigate that and
not just have it be a defensive time but
a generative time or a creative time
with those with whom you're sharing
space is to talk about it early and
often and begin to hear about what are
again what our individual needs what our
collective needs and you can also make
it fun but this is you know living
together creates a context in which it's
better to talk about how you want to
navigate it first and and not just kind
of the hygiene of it but also then how
do we want to actually come together
during this time and use it differently
I love that and I mean I guess also in
thinking about it from the work
perspective you talked about you know
not getting zoomed out but maybe it's
the reverse it sounds like where you
might come from a space where you're
constantly seeing your co-workers in
person
day to day for those people who are
working remotely now and the dynamic of
how you gather in those situations also
seem like they might change and benefit
from some rules around what those
gatherings look like you know I guess
what are some unique things that you
think people might face in their work
lives as a result of social distancing
when it comes to gathering absolutely I
think it raises an entire new set of
questions I mean to be clear there have
been MIT there are many global companies
that have already been distributed have
been doing distributing distributive
teaming for for you know decades the
disabled community has very interesting
and has long been advocating for you
know simple things like live-streaming
let alone thinking about digital
participatory ways of coming together so
this is not new for everybody and it's
new and this scale for most of us and I
think some of the things that these that
that you know the sort of the first week
or at least in the u.s. contacts but you
know the cycles of weeks is it's putting
us in a situation where all of a sudden
questions of intimacy come up so for
example for many of us were where we're
showing sides of ourselves this this is
an example of that that we wouldn't
normally share and in a work context
that could be that could be meaning
having your colleagues see your kitchen
or that could be having your colleagues
see your child or your dog or whatever
it is that typically you would actually
in a work context have the power to
choose to show and so I think the
questions of intimacy are ones that are
going to come up and I and you know
intimacy for intimacy sake particularly
in a power context isn't necessarily a
good thing
but within within a conscious set up
intimacy to actually bring people into
this moment together and not pretend
that it this isn't strange is also
helpful so for example questions that
team leaders and people hosting calls
should think about is do you purposely
want to have people actually just have a
white background in the back as a
relative equaliser or do you want to
purposely invite people to put the
camera and
of a part of their home that is
meaningful to them and one isn't right
or wrong but just to be really
thoughtful about what are you asking
people to share and what are you asking
people to hide or allowing them to keep
for themselves we have different spaces
for different reasons and that's a good
thing and so part of what's happening in
this moment is when you're allowing
because the technology that we have is
is penetrating into spaces that usually
we have more choice whether or not we
want to share and so it sounds like a
big part of that it's just it's really
just having those conversations with
each other about what makes the most
sense for that particular group that and
I think the host and particularly the
person who has power in the context you
know to really think about what is the
purpose of this gathering who needs to
be there and what is the need that we're
trying to fulfill and how do I
temporarily equalize people so the role
of a host I believe has has you have
three roles as a host the first is to
connect people to the purpose of the
meeting and to each other
the second is to protect them from each
other and the third is to temporarily
equalize them and in some context
temporarily equalizing people might mean
showing your background and in other
context temporarily equalizing them
means don't show the background because
of the stark difference or imbalance
between the people in the room and I
think part of like the responsibility to
host the gathering should not fall
equally across the spectrum of power and
so a boss should really think about what
is needed and how do I set my people up
so that they're so that they're able to
focus on the need at hand you know I'll
take one more second and just say I
think another question that's coming up
quite often is when do you cancel when
do you postpone and when do you just
bring it on zoom' and again for a host
to say for the person who's really
thinking about the need of the community
to say well what is it that is essential
in this moment in time and who needs to
be a part of that and to not assume that
every person has to be part of every
zoom meeting but also to not assume that
that everything that you were going to
do anyway still needs to happen there
was a there was a I think it became a
New Yorker cartoon but a joke going
around that said something like
I guess that I guess that work meeting
really could have just been put in an
email so there will be some gatherings
that are canceled and like we will be
better for it and then there will all be
other gatherings that are invented and
we will be better for it I love that and
I just love how there is this is such a
creative poem and it sounds like and and
I'm curious I mean you already shared
some examples of ways that you can turn
some of the meetings and gatherings that
you've already had and sort of adapt
them to this moment but I'd love to hear
- you know what are some I guess unique
ways that you think really it just
applies to the moment we're living in
that this is the kind of gathering that
only can happen as we're all you know
spending so much time apart as we're all
connecting virtually or however whatever
the circumstance is you know what what
our gatherings that feel really unique
to this moment um one of the ones that
I've been watching that's been written
about a lot is a DJ called d-nice last
Wednesday he started basically like
DJing sets from 6:00 p.m. to midnight
six hours at a time Eastern Standard
Time and Friday night and Friday night a
number of kind of famous artists joined
to you know joined the party and then
Saturday night it just kind of took off
in this in this kind of electric way
over a hundred thousand people joined
through Instagram Live and at some point
like people from all around the world
but also a lot of political leaders in
the u.s. like kind of joined and came in
came out Bernie Sanders came in
Elizabeth Warren made a cameo Michelle
Obama came in and and you know that kind
of collective moment of people all
dancing in their own like living room
wherever they are but being able to come
into a virtual Club you know it reminded
me of studio 54 Andy Warhol was was once
asked about his like red in the red rope
and why he like referred to like that
the you know it was like a dictatorship
to get in like no one could get in and
he is he said it's a dictatorship at the
door
so we can have a democracy on the dance
floor and Dean Isis like experiment to
me was that except it didn't need to be
a dictatorship at the door and I think
that is unique to this time it was a
democracy at the door and it was a
democracy on the dance floor and I think
people are experimenting in all sorts of
ways of how they can meaningfully gather
there's there's a work context which a
lot of people I think most of us have
lost unexpected forms of income by
actually having to not you know be able
to provide a service in person that's
particularly true of in-person gathering
based businesses like restaurants or
in-person speed-dating companies you
know yoga instructors all types of
people who rely on in-person connections
to to you know for their livelihood and
I think one one thing that you're seeing
is people who kind of always in the back
of their head thought yeah I should
probably have you know Instagram live
sessions I should probably figure out
how to do this online this is kind of a
forcing mechanism to do that and you can
see every day experiments with from
dance studios like forward forward
spaces to you know
virtual choirs rehearsing I think
they're called the sofa singers you know
every every week once a week on Sundays
there's there Casper Turk you'll is
having something called Sunday
sing-alongs the resistent revival chorus
is doing is also experimenting with how
can they also have you know chorus
rehearsals choir rehearsals but also
have others participate people are
trying a lot of radical experiments
around how do you actually be together
apart and how do we use these
technologies to do it I had a friend who
texted me a picture of she threw a
surprise birthday party for her mother
over unzoom and to me it was also you
know we're experimenting how to get
online in part this is an
intergenerational experiment
so in that case most of her mother's
friends weren't on zoom' and so part of
the act of love was her having to go and
like getting each friend and texting
them and explain them how to down
the app and then getting online and then
having her mother's partner say hey
honey you know come walk over here in
the laptop I think there's a show I
think you might want to watch and she
walks over and then he you know opens up
the screen and every all of her friends
are sitting there on these tiny little
squares saying surprise and so I think
we're experimenting around how do we
actually be together apart in a moment
where we have some of the technology
that other generations couldn't have
imagined but we haven't necessarily
thought about using it in this way hmm
that's that's great I mean and I think
that that makes me wonder too just what
does this mean for the future you know
when we come out of this do you think
that this there's going to be a real
shift in the way we think about how we
gather I hope so I think that there will
be some gatherings that will go by the
wayside I think some some work meetings
that are cancelled that nobody misses
and but we're kind of too weak so we
were too weak to end before or for
political reasons we'll go and no one
will mention them again and we will be
better for it I think that there will be
certain gatherings that will be
preserved or come back you know kind of
in full force because we realized how
much we value those gatherings there was
a beautiful piece a couple of days ago
it I think it was a video that went
viral online
and then I believe the New York Times
wrote about it of the Irish week and
there's certain you know there are
certain communities that already have as
I said at the beginning of this call
deeply powerful embedded rituals and
specific sub communities and there are
certain there are certain communities
that actually are very sophisticated
collective gatherers and and the Irish
wake is you know is one of those
examples of people actually coming
physically together people marking
marking death and also remembering and
singing songs together and and and you
know actually gathering around the wake
and in a moment where because of
physical distancing that's no longer you
know possible one family created this
this ritual this idea that as they drove
their their mother's body to the
graveyard
neighbors came out and stood six feet
apart to basically pay their respects
and I think that's a you know it's an
exist a beautiful example of a temporary
invention of how do we remember and how
do we think about honoring because the
the the desire and the need is so deep
that even if we can't do it in the way
that we usually do it we can actually
invent ways that still allow for that
collective witnessing and marking and
holding to happen and then I think that
after I think a big change after this
this period this pandemic is our
assumption of what we can do virtually
and and what what do we actually crave
to be together and want to do together
and then what actually is okay to do
apart and I think will become much more
sophisticated and using tools that have
you know that are that are popping up in
all sorts of context digital tools to be
able to do certain things apart and then
I think we will also be very very
grateful to be back together again well
it's really nice I mean because you
don't sound fearful I I guess that this
moment is going to ruin the way that we
stay connected it sounds like you you
have a really optimistic approach to
this and that in many ways it sounds
like it might be a good thing that we're
kind of going through this I wouldn't
say it's a good thing that we're going
through this I think that this is a yes
in a global crisis I think that I and I
think that like any pandemic this will
this affects different communities
differently I think that this is very
dangerous for for communities that are
already isolated I think that this will
exacerbate social and economic
inequality as it already is and I think
you know I there's been a discussion you
know we are we are in a gathering
recession and I think the question is
whether or not we can stave off the
loneliness boom if we can do things that
allow us that even during this time a
very dire straits if we can find
inventive ways to still to still get
through this together and I think in any
I think
a massive interruption and anytime
there's a massive interruption it allows
all of us to pause and to ask the
questions well why do we do this in the
first place and I think that's powerful
thank you and thank you for clarifying
of course I agree that I don't think
this is a good thing but I instead meant
an opportunity it seems like it presents
an opportunity for us to to reflect and
that seems to be a positive element of
this so thank you for that and you know
I think I'd like I'll just also oh go
ahead Priya sorry I'll just say one more
thing I think um the way we gather is
contagious
meaning we define how and what we gather
around if somebody all of a sudden
decides to have a birthday party in a
very different way not only is it kind
of fun and interesting for the people in
that birthday party but every guest
leaves thinking huh maybe I could do my
birthday party a different way or huh
maybe a few no doesn't have to look that
way or huh maybe a meeting doesn't have
to look that way and you know one of the
things that's contagious during this
time also is its courage and one of the
reasons I love collecting all of these
different stories and inventions of how
people are coming together and being
extraordinarily creative about it is is
in part to give each other ideas and
inspiration and one of the things I
would I would ask if you know those who
are watching to send me the examples
that you're seeing and particularly the
examples that you're creating yourself
because it actually gives us us hope and
ideas of how we can all do this
differently I actually send out a weekly
newsletter of examples from around the
world of how we're actually gathering
together apart and and you know I don't
know if the you know if you can its
Priya Parker calm if you want to send me
emails or examples of gathering ideas
that you've been seeing that I've been
that have been moving because we all
decide how we want to gather and we
inspire each other by trying to do it
differently that's great skree and that
sounds like you know thinking about
resources folks might look for if they
just you know decide they want to try
and implement some of these examples you
shared or some of the things you've
suggested
that seems like that's a great way for
them to to do some of that so thank you
you know I'd love to we had some
audience members who sent in questions
in advance to aspirin so I'd love to
dive into a few of those which I think
might be really interesting so one
question from our audience was what tips
would you offer to meaningfully engage
with family or friends who can't access
vigils that virtual spaces excuse me
like grandparents those who might have
disabilities or impairments or those who
just may not have connectivity strong
connectivity issues in terms of internet
and phone
how could you stay connected with those
those folks it's a beautiful question a
couple of things one is if they have a
phone line and that's a big if but if
they have a phone line a landline ways
to one regularly call and create some
kind of moment that they look forward to
there are other types of rituals from
other communities I've been told that
German theater groups have a practice
where they come together and read a book
aloud like one book aloud until they're
done with it
so like over the course of 15 hours
communities come together and one person
reads a chapter and you pass it around
and you eat and you you know drink and
you can and you basically read an entire
book together and you know somebody you
can absolutely do that by like dialing
and the person who's who's who can't
necessarily zoom in but to read together
on the phone if you if four communities
are for people who are completely
isolated digitally or through technology
to find ways at least for the time being
to you know to send them to send them
letters like one of the things we're
starting to see is to go back to things
like why we why we knit why we make
bread why we learn to create the things
that we do without the help from you
know the outside world and to find ways
to to perhaps pass objects or passed
letters but for those who you know if
there's no way in and no way out I think
that's one of the communities that I was
talking about that's actually
you know that's a very high risk so
another really great question we had was
how can you get a sense for the feel the
energy in the room when we're not
physically in the same space what are
some ways that we can recreate that
those connections and that bond when
we're connecting from apart this is one
of the harder parts about being apart
because we have to at some level created
in our mind psychologically together and
then also create that physical feeling
you know with one's own body without
actually sharing space with others
around the room so a couple of tips the
first is give your gathering a name and
you know don't just call it meeting or
don't just call it birthday party you
know call or dinner party call it the
worn out mom's hootenanny or call it the
seventh song salon or call it the you
know dance until you drop disco I mean
again I'm making this up but but part of
what names do is that they're acts of
social priming to get people actually
into a specific psychological and
physical space and so give your
gathering a name the gathering starts
from the moment of discovery meaning
from the moment that the guest actually
understands oh this is something I
attend look forward to the second is
half people bring some kind of physical
object or show some kind of physical
object on their side of the screen
whether it's starting with you know
asking everybody to bring a vessel with
a favorite drink inside depending on
your time zone and then share a story
about where they got that coffee mug
from third is and this sounds kind of
simple but remind people that they have
a body meaning like they themselves have
a body and that could mean that could
happen in a number of different ways but
whether it means having them actually be
showing they're like more of than just
their head but actually for like the
intent you know the entire torso though
that also Again's go if you remember the
early part around intimacy you decide
what you're what you're optimizing for
and invite people to also bring a
physical object and put it within the
within the frame of the video a couple
we also we may not be able to be
physically together but audio is a
really powerful connector and so whether
it's playing a song or inviting somebody
to choose a favorite song that they want
to share at the group or some kind of
again audio response to begin a to begin
a a moment with can also kind of just
help you unify people but the the feel
of the physical connection being in the
group being in a room is one of those
things that I think we will be deeply
craving after this period and you know
you talked a lot about the workplace you
talked a lot about home and another
really great question that we have from
our audience is about the number of
children and students who are now you
know learning remotely and and what are
some tips I think for educators and even
for parents to try and create these
meaningful gatherings for for children
yep
so first is particularly an educator to
really ask what is the deepest need now
what is it that I'm trying to teach my
students and at the deeper level like
what is the purpose of this class and I
use the example of my my mother-in-law
who's an educator and she's a ceramics
teacher she she so she teaches in a form
that is deeply physical right and you
actually need certain materials a kiln
you know clay and she now has to figure
out how to teach ceramics for the next
many weeks you know virtually and so she
paused and she said what is the purpose
of my class is it to teach students
ceramics and she realized no ceramics is
her medium but the deeper purpose is
twofold
one is to is to help her students her
art students have a relationship with
three multi-dimensional art so not just
flat art not just photography or
painting but multi-dimensional and then
the second is she told me the other day
it's to give her
students a sense that they can create
something from nothing and so she
thought about it and in her case what
she decided to do over the course of the
next multiple weeks is change her
curriculum to teach these two lessons
through paper mache and found objects in
the home and I love this example in part
because for each of us whatever we're
trying to do as educators or parents is
to pause and to ask like what is the
need of these students or was the need
of these children now and to look at the
people in front of you but to also ask
your own deeper mission or purpose is
like why do I do this and given the
constraints now how do i how should i
structure this gathering now given these
new constraints so that i can still
achieve my purpose but the activity may
actually look very different it's great
and you know I mean I think also and
you've talked you've touched on some of
this too like great smaller ways that
you can sort of break the ice with folks
and and really find a path into these
great connections virtually and apart
and and so somebody asked you know that
they said they're organizing a digital
birthday party and they were just
curious for ways to bring people look
together who maybe don't know one
another so how can you connect with with
people who you had no connection with
before before entering these digital
these digital events and gatherings I
actually think this is an opportunity
where virtual gatherings connect can
help depending on how you structure it
so at many birthday parties people come
together and don't know each other and
leave not knowing each other I mean
memories and hello or met one person out
of like 40 people they don't know but I
actually think in a context where you
kind of have to like play turbo host
this is an opportunity and an excuse to
have people actually meaningfully
participate and get to know each other
in a way that they may not otherwise so
a couple of examples if it's a birthday
party
virtual birthday party to invite each
guest to bring with them like a sweet a
drink a hat of their choice and a story
of of a value or a quality or a tray
that the birthday girl a birthday boy
hold and how they know that and invite
each person to share story you know and
again you're gonna have to have like a
chief like birthday facilitator and it
shouldn't be the birthday girl or boy to
actually you know when you ask people's
stories that relate to the person
they're interesting not just because
you're saying oh this person's so great
or but it's actually giving a lot of
people context about the person but also
about your relationship to them and so
find ways to have people come together
and each have a moment to share
something related to the person but
again through a story not necessarily
advice or an opinion because stories
have legs stories are easy to listen to
stories also have a lot of data in them
that very few other vessels do that's
really great this has been so wonderful
pre I feel like I I know that I'm really
excited to try some of these these tools
and tips that you've offered and these
suggestions I think will really help
assisting a lot of people through these
next few weeks and months and beyond as
we come out of this so I you know I
think before we end I just love to give
you an opportunity to to share any sort
of parting thoughts you have about your
really big takeaways from what we should
take from this moment as we think about
connecting in meaningful ways I think
that we are all in the neck in the
coming weeks and months going to be
hosts of many new types of gatherings
and guests of many two new types of
gatherings and as we do have an
opportunity in each of these moments to
not go on autopilot which is often one
of the dangers of our in-person
gatherings and to ask for every
gathering like why are we doing this do
we still need to do this now what is
essential to preserve and how do we give
life to it in this new medium I think to
think about power dynamics and to ask
what are you actually asking of people
in this moment and is it you know is it
too much this this this pandemic will
weigh on us in different ways unequally
and so as you're beginning to think
about how and what do we mark
how do you ask and what do you expect
from different people given given a very
difficult and dire time and and again
I'll say what I said earlier which is we
really inspire each other through
through specific examples of invention
and so too as you as you as you try out
new things and and also in the work
context as you think about what is it
that actually makes meetings work and
meaningful experimenting with shortening
the time of meetings experimenting with
spending more time on checking in and
perhaps only having meetings for
decision-making and not doing meetings
for anything else like to actually start
really sharing lessons with one another
and to please share your examples with
me because I learn every time I hear of
ways that wherever people are in the
world they're inventing new ways of
coming together in ways that communities
need thank you so much Priya this has
been wonderful and I really appreciate
you taking the time to chat and sending
best wishes to you and all of your loved
ones to stay safe and healthy during
this time thank you thank you so much
for having me and be well