All right,
we are alive.
Hey everybody,
this is Clay from modernlove.life.
And before I go ahead and get started,
I want to let you know that this video is going to be about how to stop being
needy in relationships or in dating.
And if this is something that you want to learn more about,
we do have a book called Be Loved for Who You Are.
If I can get my words out right over at modernlove.life/book.
You can go ahead and pick that up if that's something that you're interested in.
Anyway,
let's go ahead and get started.
Today we are talking about the topic of how to stop being needy in dating and
relationships.
Now I think that we all know on some level or other that neediness is not
something that is really going to help us have a great relationship,
a great love life.
There are a lot of reasons for this primarily because if somebody is needy,
they often have this taking energy.
And if there's too much taking involved in a particular social dynamic,
it becomes less than enjoyable for the other person.
And so they start to distance themselves from the taking person and try to
protect their own energy,
try to protect themselves from being in that sort of dynamic.
But anyway,
it is very well known that a neediness is not a great thing in relationships.
And that's definitely true.
And because of this,
a lot of people have taken on these beliefs that you have to pretend to not be
needy.
You have to hide your inherent neediness.
You have to do things like play hard to get,
play mind games,
pretend like you don't care or something like that.
And this has even caused a lot of people to develop a sort of core underlying
belief when it comes to relationships,
dating attraction and all of that stuff.
And that belief would be that we all want what we can't have.
Therefore,
if you just seem like you don't care about other people,
then they're going to like you.
They're going to want to be with you.
And to a certain extent,
that will get you some results simply because you're not having that taking
energy.
Right?
But this is really just kind of masking over a sort of neediness that a lot of
people are experiencing or projecting out into their dating or relationship life
in one way or another.
And so when it comes to mind games and all that stuff,
that's really not a great way to go because although it will get you better
results than just being like totally super needy,
it's not a great way to go,
especially if it's just a mind game layered on top of a underlying neediness.
And the reason for is because you can't put up the act forever.
You can't put up the mind game for ever.
You can't play hard to get forever if that's not your natural state of being,
if that's not your natural way of being.
Eventually there will be things that come up,
circumstances that come up,
situations that come up,
where you'll just let things slip and you'll let it be known that,
hey,
I'm needy in some way.
I'm insecure in some way or something like that.
And that can really cause a lot of people to pull away.
That can cause your partner or dating interest to pull away because they get
this impression,
oh,
I'm dating a person that's like this,
but then suddenly they're this other way like what's going on?
Is this like a bait and switch?
Are they pretending to be something that they're not?
Are they playing hard to get when really they're just sitting around at home,
I don't know,
watching TV or goofing off on some video game or something like that.
And then they start to think that you're playing mind games and they start to
think that you're using them.
Then they start to really want to distance themselves from you in one capacity
or another.
So that's really not the way to go about this whole not being needy thing.
The way to go about actually doing it is not to try to mask a sense of neediness
with mind games,
with playing hard to get or anything like that.
The way to do it is to look at how you're bringing yourself to the relationship,
how you're bringing yourself to the date,
how you're bringing yourself to the other person.
That is to say,
do you have needs that you are unable or you believe that you are unable to meet
on your own
and as you do this you'll start to say,
okay look I'm noticing that I'm starting to not take responsibility for getting
my own needs met.
I'm just going to offload them onto somebody else and hope that somebody else
gets my needs met for me so that I don't actually have to do it.
And this can be a big set up for all sorts of things such as covert contracts,
ulterior motives,
things of that nature.
You know,
Nice Guy Syndrome,
Nice Girl Syndrome,
people pleasing and all that stuff.
That's definitely not
an ideal thing to be stepping into.
And so what you want to do is you want to take ownership and take responsibility
for your own needs.
Understand that you can meet your own needs.
You can get your own needs met.
And it may not be easy.
It may not be comfortable.
It may not be something that you want to do,
but you can do it,
right?
You can,
you can take care of yourself.
I mean,
a lot of us we have had an experience of being single and on our own for a
period of time whether was a couple months,
a couple of years,
or longer,
or less long.
We have been alone and we have been able to function in this world around us.
And
what you want to do is you want to learn how to get your needs met in that way.
Because I mean,
you don't really need to be in a relationship to get your needs met.
You don't need to be in a relationship to be validated.
You don't need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself.
You don't need to be in a relationship in order to feel love.
You can love yourself.
That's what self love is all about.
And when you start to take responsibility for your own needs and make sure that
you get your own needs met,
that is when you can start to end that neediness because you start to trust
yourself.
You start to trust yourself that,
hey,
I don't need another person to meet my needs.
I don't need another person to take care of me.
I don't need another person to validate me.
I don't need another person to prop me up emotionally,
you know?
Sure.
It would be nice if our partner would do that.
It'd be great if our partner would take care of our needs for us.
It'd be great if our partner would do all of these wonderful things,
but it's not necessary.
Like if it really comes down to it,
I can go out and take care of my own needs.
And so as you are coming to this realization,
you might be wondering why,
if that's the case,
what is the point of even being in a relationship at all then,
if we're not just supposed to have somebody else meet our needs for us.
And the point of a relationship is not to just get your own needs met.
The point of a relationship is to create something that is bigger than what you
can create on your own.
Something that's bigger than just getting your own needs met.
I mean,
the purpose of life isn't to just get your needs met and to just get by.
That's not really a very fulfilling life,
I would imagine for most people.
The purpose of being in a relationship is to create something more,
or at least the ideal purpose in a relationship is to create something more,
than you can create yourself.
And this is something that I've done in my own relationship,
my own marriage with my wife,
is that we've been able to create a life together,
a lifestyle together,
a business together.
It's getting kinda sunny in here.
And obviously we've been able to,
I mean,
the most obvious example of this would be
that my wife and I've created a daughter,
right?
That's obviously something that I would not be able to create on my own.
And so as you look at this,
you can take care of your own needs.
You can take care of yourself.
You don't need somebody else to prop you up.
You don't need someone else to tell you that you're a good person.
You don't need somebody else to love you.
You can love yourself.
You can take care of your own needs.
You can support yourself.
You can have self esteem,
right?
But the point of a relationship is to create something bigger than just you on
your own.
To create something bigger than just kind of getting through the day,
to create something bigger than just getting your own needs met.
And,
once again,
if this is something that you would like to learn more about it,
this is something that you'd like to experience more in your life.
Please head on over to modernlove.life/book and you can get a book that I wrote
called Be Loved for Who You Are.
You can also get a special bonus book if you sign up over at that website called
the Self Esteem Solution,
both of which would help you if neediness is something that you are dealing with
in your love life or your relationship.
So,
let's see.
I've been on for a while,
so I think some people have managed to come into the chat.
Let's see if we have any interesting questions here.
Um,
love the topics.
Really guide me through your love life.
Oh,
thank you Andrew.
Well,
I love how clay chips away at the whole alpha male BS.
Well,
thank you.
I mean in a lot of ways I think that whole Alpha male movement,
the whole Red Pill movement and all that stuff is really just kind of men trying
to mask over their own insecurity.
And in a lot of ways,
I think if you can just let go of anything that you might be insecure about,
it's just a moot point really.
Like there's a lot of things that I could be insecure about.
You know,
people make fun of me all the time for being slender.
I mean,
I don't think I'm like gaunt or anything,
but they make fun of me for not being some like either big bulky guy or some,
I don't know,
big boned person or something.
And I'm okay with that.
Right?
Like I don't need to get a huge pectoral muscles as a Ren might say from Ren and
Stimpy if that kind of dates me a little bit.
I don't know.
In order to feel good about myself,
I mean,
I still exercise for health and all that and I'm sure maybe I might gain some
muscle someday,
but,
I'm okay with my body the way that it is.
But anyway,
that's kind of beside the point here.
Um,
let's see.
Wanted to thank you so much for your programs.
They've helped me so much and healing from my breakup.
I got hope for the future,
but I am living more with each day.
Oh,
well thank you very much.
Um,
let's see.
Mankind has degenerated to choosing an animal as a companion.
I don't know.
You know,
Since my wife is allergic to cats,
I totally get that.
Whenever we want to go somewhere or visit somebody else's house or something,
it's really hard because most people,
for some reason that we meet have cats.
And I think that the reason that many people do have these pets,
these cats is as a substitute for human companionship.
And you know,
there's nothing wrong with having pets.
It's totally fine to have pets,
but if you're using it as a substitute for actually having friends in real life,
then I think that can be a difficult thing.
And so just because my wife is allergic to cats we're pretty aware of the whole
pet thing.
Let's see,
where did we leave off the comments?
Got to
learn how to be in the moment.
Yeah,
totally.
Great
advice.
Keep it up.
Thank you.
Hello to everyone in the chat.
How are you there?
When everyone is telling you to give up,
going back to your ex,
should you give up?
Well,
that's really a choice that you have to make.
Ultimately it's your life.
You have to live your own life and you have to live a life that you can be proud
of.
And if the only reason you would want to give up on a relationship or give up on
trying to work things out with somebody,
is because everyone else is telling you to do that and your heart is telling you
something else,
then that is probably not going to be something that you're going to be really
proud of at the end of your life.
When you look back and you're like,
oh,
well I did this because everybody told me to.
I didn't do that because people told me not to and all that stuff.
Ultimately this is your life and you have to own it.
Just like how,
what I was talking about today,
you have to own your own needs,
take responsibility for them.
But you have to own your own life and you have to own your own decisions.
And if you want to be in a relationship with somebody or see if it's possible to
be in a relationship with somebody,
then I think that you should really pursue that because this is your life.
This is your one life that you get.
And if you're just going to live it based off of everyone else's opinions,
that is probably not going to be a fulfilling life.
Let's see,
where did we leave off?
Killing it?
Oh.
Thank you very much.
If you follow your heart,
people.
Don't listen to people because it's,
you're happy.
Yeah,
exactly.
Exactly.
Okay.
How would I go about not being needy of my ex's attention?
I feel restless when I don't get it and I get angry.
Um,
well,
okay.
If it's,
if it's not necessarily neediness,
but it's just like,
okay,
I'm contacting this person and they're not giving me their attention,
I'm contacting them,
they're not replying to me.
I'm like trying to do something,
invite them to something and they're not acknowledging me for one reason or
another,
then that's a different issue entirely,
right?
Because there's a certain expectation that I think most people have as members
of this society that we can interact with one another in a civilized way.
And if somebody is not doing that,
it can kind of be like,
Hey,
what's going on?
Right?
And one of the key things that I teach,
one of the core principles is that you have to accept somebody the way that they
are.
If you can't accept somebody the way that they are,
then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them.
Because really bad things happen when you try to change somebody else in order
to be with you.
When you try to turn somebody into your own improvement project so to speak,
it can be really difficult,
really problematic,
really challenging.
And so,
I mean it's also really unloving to try to change somebody to say,
Hey,
I think that you're 80% awesome.
So I'm just going to like really try to make you 100% awesome and just say,
hey,
I don't like you the way that you are.
I don't accept you 100% the way that you are.
I am going to turn you into my own personal improvement project.
And so,
if you can't accept somebody the way that they are,
which in this case,
maybe somebody who's not responding to you,
which might be somebody who is not giving you the attention that you need,
then you need to say,
okay,
that is a deal breaker for me.
And when it comes to my relationships,
when it comes to the people that I want in my life,
when it comes to the people that I want to be in a relationship with,
I need somebody who is actually going to acknowledge me.
Somebody who's actually going to respond to me.
Right?
And it doesn't mean that your ex is wrong for behaving the way that they are
behaving.
It doesn't mean that you're wrong for wanting what you want.
It just means that the two of you aren't a good match for one another because of
their way that they are and your way that you are.
And you just don't mesh well together to create an optimal relationship or an
optimal dynamic that you actually enjoy.
And so in that case,
it's better to let go of your ex so that you can have the space in your life to
find somebody who is willing to give you the kind of attention that you actually
want.
Okay,
so I see that there's a lot of comments here.
I don't think that we're gonna get to all of these.
This video's been going on for quite some time and I don't want it to be super
long because I know that when people watch the replay of this,
if it's like an hour long or something,
it can be really off putting.
So I'm going to end to this livestream,
but if you do have any questions that we did not get to,
please go ahead and put those in the comment section once this video is done
being processed and it's a regular youtube video,
and I'll do my best to go through and answer as many of those as I can.
Anyway,
thank you so much.
Again,
that book is over at modernlove.life/book modernlove.life/book.
Once this video is complete,
I will put that link in the description for this video.
And once again,
this has been Clay and--