- I was at a restaurant.
I walked in a restaurant, recently,
and there's a couple sitting in the front booth.
Lady and a man.
And the lady looks at me and smiles, you know.
And she has that knowing look, and I'm like, "Yeah."
(audience laughing)
And I gave her some Arsenio shit.
You know, I did that to her.
(audience laughing)
As I walked away, I heard her say to her husband,
"Honey, it was the guy from 'Blade.'"
(audience laughing)
You bitch, you.
Poke your fucking eyes out.
"Stop it, Wesley, Stop!
"Stop!"
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
That's God's way of putting the Hollywood ego in check.
(audience laughing)
That's happened to me before.
I was walking at Universal City
and there's a family of four coming towards me.
And they were all happy, and looking for a Sharpie
in Mommy's purse because they thought
they saw Wesley Snipes.
(audience laughing)
And I knew they didn't know who the fuck I was.
I knew it.
You know, the kid was doing this.
(audience laughing)
I knew they didn't know who I was.
And my job is to make the people happy.
Making people smile.
And I'm thinking, "I won't even tell them
"who the fuck I am."
You know?
Just let them think they had a brush with greatness.
Let them think they met Wesley.
(audience laughing)
Why not?
Fuck it.
(audience cheering)
As they got closer, I said,
"I'm gonna act just like Wesley."
(audience laughing)
I kicked the boy in the throat.
The little boy, I caught the little boy,
who was like eight.
I fucked the little boy up.
Caught him right on the adam's apple.
(choking)
Now, he has a memory from when he met Wesley.
(audience laughing)
He talked like Miles Davis the rest of his fucking life.
"Wesley Snipes kicked me in the throat.
"Mother fucker said, 'Always bet on black.'
(audience laughing)
"I don't fucking get it."
Right as I was walking away, they said,
"Can we get autographs?"
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- Yeah, and I'm thinking, "That's forgery.
That's forgery."
I know the law.
But they were smiling.
They were so happy.
So, I'm like, "Fuck it."
(audience laughing)
I know what my job is.
I'm gonna make them happy.
I'm gonna write this shit Wesley would write.
(audience laughing)
So, I wrote, "Fuck the IRS.
"Love, Wes."
(audience cheering)
"Uncle Sam, suck my tu wong fu.
"Love, Wesley."
I got creative with the shit.
"The asian vagina is the tightest vagina on the planet.
"Love, Wesley."
Oh, I was in Alabama.
Arrived at the airport in Alabama.
Got out of a SUV at curbside.
This is a crazy one.
I'm still in therapy over this one.
This is crazy.
I stepped out of the car.
There's a man and his son.
And the son's holding the basketball.
And the man steps to me, swear to God.
The man steps to me and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Rodman."
And I'm like, "Whoa, shit.
"Mother fucker, no you did not."
(audience laughing)
"You did not just mix me up with, fucking, Dennis Rodman.
"No, you did... No, you did not."
I know white people have that, all black people look a like
thing, but stop it y'all.
Stop it!
(audience laughing)
Dam white people.
You gotta start looking at details and shit.
(audience laughing)
We, do not, all look alike.
And if we do, it's us and that nigga over there.
Dennis is... he's not with us.
The fuck.
We all look alike.
(audience cheering)
No, that fucked me up.
He was sincere.
He wasn't snapping.
He was sincere.
And I'm like, "Look at details, mother fucker.
"Look at details"
I aint got no tattoos.
I aint got no nose ring.
I aint got no Hepatitis.
I don't understand.
What have you seen?
(audience laughing)
Oh, shit.
I will kick your son in the throat, Mr.
(smooth music)