-Whenever Donald Trump holds a press conference,
his rambling nonsensical answers
raise more questions than they answer.
So we decided to hold another one right here, right now.
That's right. Donald Trump, and the "Late Night" Press Corps
are here in our studio and ready to go.
So without further ado,
it's time for the "Late Night" White House press conference.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Mr. President, Mr. President, Mr. President, Mr. President.
Mr. President, yes, thank you.
Seth Meyers, "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
President Trump, how would you describe the current state
of your presidency?
-In the final couple of weeks.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Mr. President, what would you say to Mike Pence,
who was probably hoping that you'd be impeached by now,
and he'd be the president?
-Too bad, Mike.
[ Laughter ]
-How long have you been president?
-For like 44 years or something.
[ Laughter ]
-I haven't seen Jared Kushner in a while. Where is he?
-Being held hostage...
in Venezuela.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, did you hear that my wife and I had a second child?
-Congratulations. I'm sure you're very unhappy about that.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You bragged that when you ran the Miss Universe Pageant,
you used to barge into the dressing room.
What did you do when you went in there?
-I'd say, come on, let me see what you have.
[ Laughter ]
-What do you tell your barber?
-Make it look like not good.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Hey, how's Melania?
-I don't know if she likes me anymore, but that's okay.
She used to.
-What do you see when you stand on the bathroom scale?
-Large, large numbers.
[ Laughter ]
-What's the hardest part about having a threesome?
-You can't do them simultaneously, by the way.
Just think if somebody said, "Oh, you can do them both."
No, you can't. Because if they're doing that,
we're not doing the other.
[ Laughter ]
-What's between your ears?
-Beautiful, perfect air.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Can you tell me what words
would you use to describe yourself?
An ignorant, narcissistic, racist?
-Those words. Those exact words.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-How often do you have an empathetic human thought?
-Averaging one per decade.
[ Laughter ]
-Every time I make biscuits -- you know when you make biscuits?
Well, when I make biscuits, they turn out really dry.
What should I do?
-Speak to Mr. Pillsbury.
[ Laughter ]
-Important question here -- how many children do you have?
-It looks like three.
Could be four.
Perhaps it could be two.
[ Laughter ]
-Is that your final answer?
-Two, or one, or three.
-You're almost there.
-One, or two, or three, or four, or five.
[ Ding! ] -Hey, you got it!
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, I'd like to finish
with the same question I always ask.
President Trump, how's your penis?
-It'll never hold up.
[ Laughter ]
-How's your penis?
-Little, almost not at all.
-And how is your penis?
-That's such a racist question.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, then how's your penis?
-Pretty nasty to be honest with you.
-Well, looks like we're out of time.